Ah, I see.

Beta request by Pretzel on 2010-06-20 00:48:00 UTC Reply

Hey, everyone. I've got my second mission written, but I was wondering if anyone would mind looking over it before I post it on my journal. I've put it up on GoogleDocs, so feel free to nitpick at it:

http://tinyurl.com/28bb5hu

Just please make sure to add your name in your comments.

Thanks!

Pretzel

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Re: Beta request by Miah on 2010-06-21 00:50:00 UTC Reply

The only problem I had with this, is that I am not familiar at all with the canon, so I was often trying to figure out who was being referred to, and how they were related to each other. I had no idea that Lindsey was a teenager until the end where it said she should have been in school. I am guessing that she is the daughter of Wendy?

I don't know how you could work in a line or two about who is who without getting into "As you know, Bob..." since both of your agents know the canon.

I liked the interactions between Ian and Lee. The opening banter about blowing up an attacking house was great, but I did have a little trouble following who was the Sue, who were the canons and everybody's relationships to each other, which made it a little hard to fully enjoy the mission.

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show, don't tell works here too by IndeMaat on 2010-06-21 06:09:00 UTC Reply

Rather than saying: Lindsey is a high-schooler, one of the agents could demand and explanation of the fic: what's she doing here? Shouldn't she be in school?

Fic won't answer of course, but never hurts to ask.
Ah. by Pretzel on 2010-06-21 01:39:00 UTC Reply

Okay,Crash course- Lindsay is Catherine Willow's daughter, who the writers of the show tend to forget unless its either a) a throw-away line or b) crucial to the plot at the moment. They recently had an episode where she figured somewhat-heavily into the plot (a dead body was found at her high school), and she looked to be in her senior year, thus why she's in her junior year of high school in the 'Sue-fic, and therefore the mission, since the 'Sue-fic was set in 2009.

I'm slightly confused by your second point, in that I'm not sure what you're trying to say. Erm. That may be a major fail on my part. I'm not sure.

And thanks! I'll try to not be as confusing, but honestly, the 'Sue-fic itself was pretty darn confusing itself. The next mission deals with a relatively tame Sister-Sue in POtC, so that may be more your thing.

Hope that helps. If not, I apologize for confusing you even further.

Pretzel

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Sorry about that. by Miah on 2010-06-21 04:11:00 UTC Reply

No, it was me using a term more particular to sci-fi writers than the general population. Apparently it goes by many names.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AsYouKnow

Ah, I see. by Pretzel on 2010-06-21 04:42:00 UTC Reply

Thanks for clearing that up.

Great stuff! by Clockwork Artichoke on 2010-06-20 01:49:00 UTC Reply

First of all, my comments may not mean so much what with me being new, but... well.
Ian and Lee's banter is superbly written.
My only problem is the quotes from the fic being a bit long, though that's a problem with the fic itself, not your sense of pacing. The fic hurts me.
I'm not a CSI fan and I enjoyed reading this, which is definitely a good sign.

Re: Great stuff! by Pretzel on 2010-06-20 01:52:00 UTC Reply

Awesome! I tried cutting down the quotes as much as possible for this 'fic, but found that I couldn't do much more than I'd already done because then the quotes wouldn't have made any sense at all instead of the just-barely-there sense that was needed.

And by the way, comments, regardless of shiny newness of their commenter, are always welcome and appreciated.

Also- by Pretzel on 2010-06-20 00:49:00 UTC Reply

The html tags are supposed to be there; it's easier for me to put them in beforehand, so that way I can post my 'fic quicker on LJ.