re. Tenses

Permission Request by Sneezier on 2010-06-19 22:00:00 UTC Reply

Here's my request for permission. I am so nervous.

Agent Joseph Trevor
Age: 19
Home Continuum: World One
Department: Floaters
Species: Human
Height: 5’ 6”
Hair: Black
Eyes: Green
Weapon Preference: anything rope-like (usually chains), flails, sledgehammer
Lust-Object(s): Kallen Kozuki (AKA Kallen Stadtfeld), Rosalina, Samus Aran.

Appearance: A caucasian male with a usually build and normal limbs. His black hair tend to be messy and often obscures the back of his neck. His attire consists of a black worker shirt with a Floaters flashpatch, goggles (*usually on his hat), a plumber's cap, a jacket, overalls, a tool belt, and boots. He sometimes wear a leather jacket.

Personality: Joseph is best described as a childish pervert and somewhat of a comedian. His quality of jokes may vary and they tend to be groan-worthy, especially during missions. Dispite this behavior, he's extremely good in video games and very knowledgable in gaming and anime. Many people wondered how this immature dude got into a university. When partnered with Centurio, he tends to annoy the robot, either directly or indirectly.

Agent Centurio
Age: 5
Home Continuum: Superior Defender Gundam Force (Neotopia to be precise)
Floaters:
Species: Robot (Combat Mobile Citizen to be precise)
Height: 4' 9'
Hair: N/A
Eyes: Red
Weapon Preference: Swords, Guns
Lust-Object(s): Angleyne, XJ9, Splash Woman.

Appearance: He looks a lot like a short and stubby Hyaku Shiki from Zeta Gundam. Because he can't wear clothing, his body painted black with thin red strips on his arms and legs. The only clothing he wears is an army beret with the DF Flashpatch on it.

Personality: Centurio has a persona of businessman, a spoof of robots being mindless drones. He usually acted all professional and snarky. Due to his personality, some view him as cold and uncaring but his inner campassion contradict his coldness. His fandoms are mostly fantasy oriented, which was unusual. He's secretly a Harry Potter fanboy but when people pointed it out, he tried to deny that. Sometimes, he'll make up conspiracy theories which were usually ridiculous in content. Much to his dismay, he has put up with Joseph's antics.

My writing sample is on this link: http://sneezier.livejournal.com/602.html

Don't be nervous :) by Sedri on 2010-06-20 04:33:00 UTC Reply

Permission-getting isn't scary, I promise. Even in the worst-case scenario, that of being outright rejected with a list of areas of improvement, it's only a question of working on your problems and re-applying. We all want to give everyone Permission, you know - it's not an exclusive club.

In any case, I'm afraid I can't give you a firm answer today as I'm in a hurry today and have no time to read your sample, but as a PG, the first thing I notice is that you have a few tense and punctuation issues in your request ("Neotopia[no comma] to be precise"; "Centurio has a persona of businessman, a spoof of robots being mindless drones. He usually acted all"), as well as one glaring typo ("campassion"), the former of which I believe has been mentioned below. This doesn't bode well. Obviously, you can't edit the post anymore, but based on this, I would hesitate to give you Permission without knowing you'll have a beta-reader to work with, at least for your first few missions.

From what I see here in the profiles, your agents look fine; nothing too extreme and a fair amount of contrast between them, which could lead to some funny situations. My only negative-ish comment there is that I feel like I've seen these character descriptions before; is this your first Permission request? Because if so, there's someone who has very similar agents to you, and that's probably not much fun. Your agents will gain more individual quirks as you write them, of course, but at this point the most interesting thing I see is Joseph being described as a "pervert" - so perhaps you'll want to give them a little more individuality. You don't have to do so right now, though - not to get Permission. They're just fine for that.

Sorry again that I don't have time to read your writing sample and make an official decision - I'll try to come back and do so later if no other PG steps in, but I have a busy week ahead. Feel free to nag the others or repost your request in a week or so if no one has time (or I forget - it happens) to give a proper answer.

Yeah, lack of edits sucks. by Sneezier on 2010-06-20 06:15:00 UTC Reply

Also, the tense problem is my main problem since I was a third grader. I blame on my minor form of autism which I viewed it as a curse which hindered my grammar.

Oh, I'll add some quirks in my missions.

re. Tenses by Calista on 2010-06-20 08:45:00 UTC Reply
1. Tenses are a property of verbs; so you need to be able to pick out the verb in a sentence. If you can't do that, I suggest googling it and learning.
  
  2. Once you know where the verbs are, determine your tense.
  Present tense (something that's happening right now): "The cat sits on the chair."
  Past tense (something that's already happened): "The cat sat on the chair."
  Future tense (something that will happen): "The cat will sit on the chair."
  
  (There are also past perfect, present perfect, and future perfect tenses. They're not as important; basically, they're used for describing what has been happening at some point in time, rather than what is happening.)
  
  You may actually look up verbs in the dictionary. They have the tenses listed there.
  
  Mainly, though, at this point if you're going to write anything, you NEED a beta. It will probably take you a good few months to nail down tenses properly, especially with a learning disability in that area. It's very much like a dyslexic writer: You're going to have to learn as much as you can yourself, and then get a very good editor to catch what you can't.

I'd be more than happy to beta by Pretzel on 2010-06-20 09:02:00 UTC Reply

Feel free to contact me over LJ. I'm on summer break at the moment, so I've got quite a bit of free time. I can also help with LJ formatting as well, if you'd like.

Thank You very much by Sneezier on 2010-06-20 09:25:00 UTC Reply

Whenever I get permission sooner or later, I will need beta readers since I tend to overlook mistakes.

My first target is a Mario Mpreg story, I kid you not.

Oh my. by Pretzel on 2010-06-20 09:26:00 UTC Reply

That sounds like quite a doozy. I'll make sure to have a lot of bleeprin on hand when I beta it.

Out of morbid curiosity, just who knocked up who in the story?

Luigi by Prince Peasley *headdesk* (nm) by Sneezier on 2010-06-20 09:47:00 UTC Reply

I'm not familiar with Peasley. by Pretzel on 2010-06-20 09:51:00 UTC Reply

What game is he in? I'm afraid I've only played Super Mario 64, Mario Galaxy, Super Smash Bros (Brawl and Melee), and Mario Party 8.

The prince is from... by Sneezier on 2010-06-20 09:54:00 UTC Reply

...Mario & luigi: Super Star Saga, a GBA RPG game.

The prince is often slashed with Luigi since 2003.

Here's the wiki article: http://www.mariowiki.com/Prince_Peasley

But it's a... bean. by Pretzel on 2010-06-20 10:02:00 UTC Reply

Admittedly, an odd little humanoid sapient bean with hair, but still. I can see possibly slashing Wario with Luigi, but Peasley's like a poorly caricatured version of Prince Valiant. Yeesh, what some people do for their jollies...

Coupla points by Eclectus on 2010-06-19 22:40:00 UTC Reply

I'm not allowed to give permission, but I figure there's nothing wrong with me giving a few pointers...

In Centurio's personality description, your tense is all OVER the place. Present, past, present progressive, future, past... Sometimes in the same sentence. I'd try and work on that.

I'm just being nitpicky here, and I don't know what they call them in Gundam, but technically the term for a robot designed like a human is an android. Centurio looks and acts like a human, therefore he is an android... and while I'm on the topic, why can't he wear clothes? I can't think of a good reason... Unless his machinery tends to overheat, or something.

Your right by Sneezier on 2010-06-19 22:51:00 UTC Reply

I'll work on that.

In most continua of they are giant mobile suits but in Superior Defender Gundam Force. They are called robots in general or to be technical, Mobile Citizens in the Neotopia dimension. These types are human sized.

The the reason he can't wear a jacket is because those fins on his back are in the way and those thrusters on his back and his legs can set clothing on fire. Hats and ties the only attire he can wear.

Ah, I see. by Eclectus on 2010-06-20 00:48:00 UTC Reply

Still, the PPC has some pretty epic technology goin'--someone at DoSAT could probably fix somethin' up.

Argh. Typing with an accent. Must stop.

I had a feeling the robot/android thing was something to do with the canon. If that's what he's called in his home continuum, then by all means use it. ^.^ I don't know anything about Gundam.