I considered letting Stormsong gut them, because ...

Subject: I considered letting Stormsong gut them, because ...
Author: Laburnum
Posted on: 2010-06-19 17:56:00 UTC

... being a Mossflower vermin, he makes his lutestrings out of actual catgut. (Yes, I know in the real world catgut is actually sheep gut. Close enough for government work.) However, I don't think that's painful enough for them. Since they're Sues and could possibly survive a lot more damage than a normal being (plenty of Sues recover at unfeasible speeds from life-threatening injuries) maybe he could gut them before the proper execution, since whatever we do to them is likely to ruin the intestines beyond usefulness. We thought about drowning them, since that's what one traditionally does with unwanted cats, but again, not painful enough. And Drake's idea in Part 2 is a) unlikely to actually work and b) disconcerting to say the least, so no-go there.

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Part 3 of the dreaded Naruto kittensquick fic ... by Laburnum on 2010-06-19 12:40:00 UTC Reply

And this time, we have a new recruit!
http://chelonianmobile.livejournal.com/105076.html

Oh gawd. by PitViperOfDoom on 2010-06-20 05:37:00 UTC Reply

You know how you're always saying your death-by-rape assassinations (i.e. Drip and the Redneck Trees) are tasteless and unethical? Well, you could have S&S decide that that's the only thing that could possibly be bad enough for them, and then have a moment where they look at each other and agree that Laburnum and Foxglove must never, ever find out about this.

That, or you could do a reenactment of Tybalt Montlet's death. You know, from Suicide for Hire.

I was thinking something like Evelyn Eliza's death ... by Laburnum on 2010-06-20 11:57:00 UTC Reply

... in Technical Errors, where they read to her from the canon until she exploded. Or having the Naruto OFU staff take turns stomping them. Not sure what they'd have to be raped to death BY if we did that ... I knew I need to watch more anime ^_^ Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion?

Though I was considering, at some point, having S&S and/or L&F leave Sues for the Nighthunt as a peace offering. Don't think even that would be unpleasant enough for these, though ...

Are you sure the Nighthunt under Kiern would kill them? (nm) by Wide Eyed Idealist on 2010-06-20 17:38:00 UTC Reply

Re: Are you sure the Nighthunt under Kiern would kill them? by Laburnum on 2010-06-20 18:33:00 UTC Reply

I was thinking back at the beginning of the Nighthunt sideplot in VQ, when Veneno and Deathcry were still alive. Though I think Kiern would want these things dead as much as any semi-sane being would, if he just heard them speak for five minutes.

I thought the first two parts were bad... by doctorlit on 2010-06-20 01:12:00 UTC Reply

...but the fact that this story even exists in a supposedly good world is doing cruel things to my outlook of humanity. I know we aren't supposed to talk about the authors, but I sincerely hope this one never rises to a position of power over another human being. Or any other animal, for that matter.

I will confess that it was hard ... by Laburnum on 2010-06-20 02:06:00 UTC Reply

... not to put a long vitriolic rant against the author in there somewhere. The original draft of the author's notes had me calling him a number of things which I sobered up and realised I'd likely get kicked out of the PPC for openly saying, so I took that out.

I will, however, say that, to steal a metaphor from Neil Gaiman's "Neverwhere", calling his writing creepy is like describing the planet Jupiter as being larger than a duck.

There's more than one way to skin a cat... by Firebird766 on 2010-06-19 18:05:00 UTC Reply

Or would that be TOO extreme? Live skinning would probably get HQ on their case right quick, but if you're looking for a particularly nasty death...
Thank you... by Elorie on 2010-06-19 15:48:00 UTC Reply

... for dealing with this - thing. I can't believe someone did that to Naruto! I know slash is abundant there, but a monstrosity like that... Ugh.
Thank you again for killing it. I hope the Author rots in hell for that. Trivializing rape, implied paedophilia - just yuck.

Thank you, and I pray you survive this with you (in)sanity mostly intact.

I shall donate a full filling of the Bleepka Fountain for you to use and scub the images from your brain when the mission is finished.

You're welcome :) by Laburnum on 2010-06-19 16:41:00 UTC Reply

We're not supposed to hate on the authors, I know, but with this guy, it's REALLY REALLY HARD not to. Particularly since all of his fics are equally creepy, though with most of them we are at least spared the babytalk and cat ears.

Someone on LJ summarised his work thus: "So, according to him, Sakura is too stupid, weak, and sexual (because clearly her crush on Sasuke makes her bad, therefore sexual woman = evil slut), so having her be tortured to death by her crush is somehow striking a blow for women everywhere." (Yes, the guy has apparently openly expressed this view.) "Meanwhile, he casts Naruto as feminine, but his idea of femininity is Naruto being weak, stupid, and sexual, exactly the same things he despises Sakura for. The only difference appears to be that Naruto has a penis and Sakura doesn't. Meanwhile, as if this wasn't bad enough, he casts Sasuke as the icon of masculinity, so ... his idea of masculinity is someone who tortures and kills women because he hates them and they deserve to die, and who rapes and tortures the 'pure' feminine boy on the pretext of loving him."

Re: You're welcome :) by Elorie on 2010-06-19 16:50:00 UTC Reply

That's just...
That guy has some serious issues, methinks. I was actually thinking someone should post a link to your mission.

Not a good idea, methinks. by Laburnum on 2010-06-19 17:50:00 UTC Reply

It's not really the done thing to give the authors links to the sporkings, it could spawn horrible flamewars which'll never get resolved and it'd be humiliating for all concerned.

I'd say a review telling him the problems would be a good idea, but it's not like he's going to listen to a random internet stranger, so that's also a bad idea.

Oh. Ok. (nm) by Elorie on 2010-06-19 18:20:00 UTC Reply

Yuck... by OpinionedAngel on 2010-06-19 14:24:00 UTC Reply

This thing seemes to keep getting worse and worse! I can't wait until this... ambomination of a story is destroyed once and for all!

Thanks :) by Laburnum on 2010-06-19 14:38:00 UTC Reply

It's hard to come up with a suitably horrible way to kill the kittens (Drake is not allowed to test his theory about whether he can choose the kitten which dies when he ... you know). We're thinking mass execution in the abandoned Temple, a la Evelyn Eliza. Since they're cats, we may have to kill them nine times ... thoughts?

Barbeque. Live. Slowly. by Wide Eyed Idealist on 2010-06-20 03:45:00 UTC Reply

With hot sauce all over them and dripping into their eyes.

Unsure if it's safe to eat them, though ... by Laburnum on 2010-06-20 11:59:00 UTC Reply

As Naomi said in part 2, these things are diabetes waiting to happen. (I know diabetes doesn't work that way in real life, but these are Sues we're talking about.)

Feed the kittens to the humans, then kill the humans. (nm) by Wide Eyed Idealist on 2010-06-20 17:39:00 UTC Reply

What about... by PoorCynic on 2010-06-19 18:31:00 UTC Reply

A big sack, a brick, and the river Ankh?

I don't think they'd drown in the Ankh ... by Laburnum on 2010-06-19 18:34:00 UTC Reply

We risk them being able to walk ashore. 'Sides, we might need that for a Discworld mission some time, and S&S aren't very familiar with Discworld in the first place.

Re: Thanks :) by Elorie on 2010-06-19 16:58:00 UTC Reply

Mass execution sounds good. Lots of fire, maybe? Burn them on the stake (Maybe by Agents from the Naruto continuum using a Fire jutsu?) like heretics they are? And as they're not real kittens, I don't think you have to worry about nine lives.
But maybe you could lock them up, incapacitated, together with No-Drool videos, and watch them die from sexual withdrawal? I know torturing is frowned upon, but it seems like poetic justice to have oversexed kittens die from watching porn and sexual frustration?
But maybe that's too 'Ick'...
Hmm... I do have a few ideas, though some the Flowers probably would object to, and some are almost as squicky as the fic... Damn my imagination.
Anyway, I'll post some more when I have ideas that involve poetic justice and no squick. I just love poetic justice...

I considered letting Stormsong gut them, because ... by Laburnum on 2010-06-19 17:56:00 UTC Reply

... being a Mossflower vermin, he makes his lutestrings out of actual catgut. (Yes, I know in the real world catgut is actually sheep gut. Close enough for government work.) However, I don't think that's painful enough for them. Since they're Sues and could possibly survive a lot more damage than a normal being (plenty of Sues recover at unfeasible speeds from life-threatening injuries) maybe he could gut them before the proper execution, since whatever we do to them is likely to ruin the intestines beyond usefulness. We thought about drowning them, since that's what one traditionally does with unwanted cats, but again, not painful enough. And Drake's idea in Part 2 is a) unlikely to actually work and b) disconcerting to say the least, so no-go there.

Just a question... by Eclectus on 2010-06-19 22:50:00 UTC Reply

You say they're Sues, but they're masquerading as canons. Wouldn't that make them canon!Sues by definition, and therefore made for exorcism rather than murder?

...Unless the Sue is just too strong, and they're not so much canons as Sues with canon names. Since I'm not really willing to read the thing myself (squick! squick!), I'm just curious.

Nope, these are outright Character Replacements. by Laburnum on 2010-06-19 23:03:00 UTC Reply

To quote Trojie: "A name-change usually denotes a replacement. As does a complete moral transplant: for instance, Harry Potter driven by guilt and ANGST to wander around killing Death Eaters and capslocking about it is probably possessed; Harry Potter killing Death Eaters for fun and profit and not angsting OR capslocking about it is mostly likely a replacement." In this case, Canon!Naruto is quite definitely not a two-foot-tall babytalking hermaphrodite with cat ears, so it's a Sue/Stu(?) that stole his name, not a possessed version of him.