I’ve got a character in a story for The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion who I’ve given amnesia to solve ten thousand issues with the pre-game story. This has the unfortunate side effects of a) having no name, making me constantly call her ‘she’ for the first and second chapters minimum (hey, it’s better than the first-person present tense prologue) and b) causing this scene to make me tear my hair out. After six rewrites, I still can’t get it right. Basically, she woke up in the Imperial City prison with no memory of who she is or what she did (and yes, it’s the later Champion of Cyrodil). She’s called a guard to get help for her, but no matter how I write this scene, I can’t think of any ways to get it more… well, interesting and realistic would be good. The guard is practically a plot device/mild exposition guy and I can’t really disguise that fact. He never appears again barring once later (later) scene where he re-encounters her long after she’s escaped from the prison and fills in a bit more of the amnesia checklist. Can anyone come up with any advice for me to rewrite this scene well? Or is it actually good as it is? If you think I could use a bit more description of some things, be aware that this is a flashback, so I’ve already described quite a bit already, but in case I haven’t, tell me anyway.
X
“All right, all right, I’m here,” the guard said, annoyed at being disturbed. “What is it?”
She leapt to her feet and promptly hit her head on the ceiling, only now realising how small the room was. She yelped in pain, a headache forming on the spot, but tried to ignore it as best as she could. “Please, I need to see a doctor,” she pleaded.
The guard frowned and looked her over. “Why? I can’t see anything wrong with you.”
“I…” She hesitated, afraid that he wouldn’t believe her.
“Out with it!” the guard snapped. “If you don’t tell me, you don’t get a doctor even if you do need one.”
“I can’t remember who I am,” she admitted. “I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember committing any crime, I don’t remember my life, I don’t even remember my name.” She paused and looked at him. “Do… do you know it?”
“I only arrived from Anvil this morning,” the guard said, frowning. “I don’t know what you did or who you are and, frankly, I couldn’t care less. You’re all scum if you’re in here.”
“But I didn’t do anything!” she protested. “Or, if I did, I don’t remember it. I just remember waking up five minutes ago. That’s it! Please, you have to help me.” She tried reaching through the bars to grip his hand for some measure of comfort from a law enforcer, but he drew back, his hand reaching for his sword instinctively.
His frown deepened and he looked into her eyes, seeing no trace of deception there. His experience, however, had taught him to always be cautious. “I’ll do some checking up on you,” he promised. “Who you are, who you stole from or killed or whatever… if I come away from that believing you, I’ll get a doctor to check you over. If whatever happened to you is curable, then you’ll do your time. If not, I would presume you can appeal against your sentence on the grounds of ‘you’ not being the same person.”
“Please,” she begged, her eyes watering. “I just want to go home… if I even have one,” she said to herself in a half-murmur. She looked up at him. “Help me.”
The guard hesitated before speaking. “Turn around. I’ll help you a bit as a promise to do more if you’re telling the truth.” She did so, not understanding his intent. After a second or so though, the guard approached her cell’s gate and put his hand through. A cooling feeling swept across her feet and the biting pain in her ankles was soothed away as they healed. She turned around, grateful, but the guard had already gone. She looked at the bars blocking her exit mournfully and returned to her bed, exploring her cell with her eyes, not wanting to actually touch anything in the grim chamber. She wondered if he would ever return despite his act of kindness. Even she could tell that it seemed like a flimsy excuse for an escape attempt and she was actually suffering from amnesia. The guard would be extremely doubtful. She wondered if she always had bad luck or if having a cautious guard come to her was just a blip in what was usually good luck. She looked around her cell again, spotting the rusty manacles hanging from a secure bolt in the ceiling. Guess I know the answer, she thought.
X
Well? Any ideas?
Oh, and on this note, I’m looking for a beta reader for the fic. While I would obviously prefer one familiar with TES lore (I’m not as familiar as I’d like to be, having entered the series with Oblivion), this is not a requirement in the least. I already have one TES fangirl helping me on that side of things (though that seem a bit of a mean thing to say, I mean it in the kindest possible sense because she’s quite wonderful (and very intelligent, too) and only gets fangirlish if I poke her by saying that BioWare can craft massively better RPGs (which they can and let no-one tell you any different either :P)). Therefore, even someone who can only help on the spelling and grammar side of things would be most appreciated (because, damn, I think I need it for the horrific prologue which, as I’ve said, is in first-person present tense). Thanks in advance.