TROLL IN THE ARCHIVES!
… thought you ought to know.
There are five stories by ‘Screaming MeeMee’, but I only know the fandoms of three of them (Harry Potter, Fable and Eragon) so I won’t comment on the other two, which are Kingdom Hearts and Super Smash Bros Brothers (or something).
Let’s start with the Potter fic: Harry Potter Son fo harry (actual title)
Author’s Summary: Harry Potter has son and JENNY AND KILLS BAD GUYS!
Actual Story: Why the hell are you asking me? I’m not exactly privy to the madness of this author’s mind (thank god). As best as I can work out, Harry and Hermione have a son who could be two, seven or eighteen. The timeline’s whacked. Johnny has balloon phobia. Voldemort is alive and unwell. He’s lost all his intelligence (like everyone else) and appears to want Johnny/Johhny as a sex slave… or apprentice. Who knows? If Voldemort becomes a Samurai (which wouldn’t surprise me), it’ll be both. Voldemort lived in Johnny’s eyes and burst out of one in a spray of blood and gore. Aliens are invading… somewhere. An office tower of some sort. Jenny (read: Ginny) plays baseball (despite it being a solely American game) and fights the aliens not with magic, but with kungfu, a new brand of martial arts which seems to involve hitting people with fried potatoes known as ‘chips’. Until description of the aliens arrives, I’m picturing Xenomorphs. It’s an amusing image. The Xenomorphs are also subject to bad boss fights with glowing red spots. I think the troll has played too many bad computer games. Jenny has a strange leap of logic and says that, because they’re aliens, they’re not working for Voldemort. How she worked this out is beyond me, especially since she shouldn’t know that Voldemort’s alive. She also has the inside knowledge that Xenomorphs corrupt souls. For some reason, the aliens are after Johnny too. Back to Johnny and ‘Vodlemort’, Vodlemort has killed Harry and ‘Hermion’ and Johnny decides that he doesn’t care and helping the bad guy rule the world will be a fun use of his time. Man, Harry and Hermion must have been bad parents. And that’s just the first chapter.
A Little Snippet of Hell:
Then she saw enemy Boss was not dead and was still alive by dying. She ran to him and talk "Who you guys are coming from? Is it Voldemort?"
"No...cough...we...cough...we are aliens from...cough...alien city town on plane...cough...t," he said.
"Why did you uys come here to England?"
"The...cough...boy...cough...WE WANT JOHNNY POTTER...COUGH..." then he died too, but his body disappearer! "Imazing!" Jenny said as the body was gone. "They are from alien town but that means they dn't work for Voldemort and...Oh no I must rescue Johhny Potter befor more aliens and attack and corrut his soul!"
And she went and got more kungfu chops.
Website Address: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4364314/1/
Okay… so, onto the Fable fic: Fable When Evil Men come. If no-one else wants to spork it or something, I volunteer. I’m rather defensive about that fandom.
Author’s Summary: What happen when evil men come and try destroy Fable's life? Se here!
Actual Story: The character’s name is Fable. That was what immediately made me think ‘troll’. Fable is a woodcutter. This means it’s not a short story about the game and is about something else entirely. I don’t know where in Albion it’s set or if it even is in Albion. He goes home and his family are dead. Somehow he knows who is responsible, despite him being nowhere near home. Two years on, he’s found some random teacher who is training him. In the use of a sword and a helmet. What about other pieces of armour like breastplates and greaves? And I don’t suppose it occurred to the author that, as a woodcutter, Fable is already trained in the use of an axe and axes are effective weapons too. The teacher appears to be somewhat evil and claims that defeating the evil people will somehow make him powerful. Randomly, a girl walks up to Fable. They like each other. They have a brat of a child. Notice I said girl. Now, yes, girl can mean woman, it’s brought up the incredibly disturbing image of a six-year-old having sex with someone who could be anywhere from ten to eighty. But the girl seems to leave him because, when the evil men return, they only kill the brat. You know, I’m starting to think that the evil men are actually the good guys, but it’s from Fable’s POV so he’ biased. Hmm? Anyway, it appears that the teacher dies (heart attack? Evil men? Balverine scoffing him down with a pint of lager?) and four years pass with absolutely nothing happening. Fable is ready to fight King Darkn, the lord of all bad guys, and is apparently only able to do this because he’s raided a museum and stolen thousand of helmets. Fable defeats Darkn (but doesn’t kill him apparently) and goes home. When he gets home, he notices that his sword has broken and that he can never fight any more. Now, most people would trot over to the nearest blacksmith and ask for a) a new sword or b) for the broken one to be reforged. Of course, most people would bloody notice that their sword has broken. I doubt it broke in the sheath, so it must have broken in the fight. Compare with Marek (my PC Hero). When his sword shatters in a fight with Jack of Blades, he rightly believes that he is totally, utterly screwed. Anyway, that’s the end of the fic, sort of. The final sentence is incomplete.
A Little Snippet of Hell:
A girl met him one day and they both liksed each other and they had a child but the evil men killed it as well and Fable was ever angrierer. "I MUST GET REVENGE FOR HIM KILLED FAMILY"! And he trianed with his master again until it was dead by the evil men too. so Fable was all alone until he me t another.
Website Address: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4363234/1/
Please let me murder this fic. The troll too, if possible. Now the Eragon fic: How ERAGON SHULD HAVE BEN.
Author’s Summary: This is how Eragon SHOULD have ben wroten by Christofer Palini. he culd lern a lot and be a better lo writer, i hope he sees this an maks brisenger good ADDED: WiTH A LEMON! ERAGON/ARIA ;
Actual Story: *eye twitches* Ex… excuse me. I need to lay down and die. I think that even My Immortal is better than this is. I have to say, if this were written by a decent author, some parts would be a fairly good Paolini spoof. However, the rest of it is insane. It’s a crossover with Pokémon, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and probably a few other fandoms that I couldn’t identify. Worryingly, the troll feels the need to state that his/her fic is ‘A screaming meeme story by me’. The only possible explanation is that he/she realised that they spelt their own penname wrong and, instead of correcting it, decided to add a needless clarification onto the end. We start with Eragon’s dream. Eragon clearly snorted crack before going to sleep. He dreams of singing trees. And then, a mixture of book and movie stuff happens and the majority of the first book is completed in three hundred and twenty-four words. Oh, and Brom is killed by a pawn of Galbatorix. This pawn may or may not be a gigantic prawn. I think that’s all I can say. It’s totally nuts.
A Little Snippet of Hell:
So they fihgted to train and trained to fight. "Pucnh me,Eragon!" And he punhed him. "Exselent." He lerned how to be a sordsmen in two weaks and even how to read when tegy got to Tearm! But..unlike what hapened in the book a sea monser came from the waters by Tearm an fell from the out sky. "OH No, it is prawn of Galbatoritosix whe must get him" But it kiled BROM with tackle atack.
then ergaon had to fight it with his dargon. "Spahirea use flametrower!" And she used it did, but the seas monster nlock it with its tails and but it felled off. "How you do THAT" it asked? but eragon was mad it had killed Gandalf "Saphirea use thunder!" and saphirea killed it with her elektrisitty atakc.
Website Address: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4399664/1/
There’s also another author (’Ms.Ginny Snape’) which, while probably not a troll, has written a dreadful Harry Potter lemon between Hermione and Luna: Bottled Feelings.
Author’s Summary: Luna and Hermione finaly share there feelings. Luna x Hermione. Femslash. Lemon. REVIEWS PLEASE!
Actual Story: It’s mainly a badly-written PWP, but Draco is an attempted rapist in it. Bad author! No cookie for OOCness! Also, Luna is probably turned lesbian by the almost-rape and that has a million alarms ringing in my head, warning me to calm down before I go all Incredible Hulk on the author.
A Little Snippet of Hell:
"DRACO YOU BASTERD!!"
Hermione had been walking to the libray when she heard a scream. She ran towards it to find Draco attemting to rape Luna. He had ripped off her shirt and bra and was about to rip off her skirt.
Draco ran off and Hermione went to Luna to comfert her.
"Shh, shh, it's okay. Luna was sobbing uncontrolably. Luna sniff and looked up at Hermione and she did something Hermione didn't expect.
She kissed her.
"Th-thank you Hermione." Luna said when she broke away.
"Luna, was that a thank you kiss or a I love you kiss." Hermione asked, a little breath less. Luna blushed scarlet-which was cute to Hermione-and whispered,"Both." and then she kissed Hermione again.
Website Address: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4418348/1/
Now, I’m going to slip into a coma for a while. Bye.