"Your challenge is to write crossover fanfiction combining Kill Bill and Dilbert. The story should use floods as a plot device!"
So, I probably don't know Dilbert well enough to do this quite properly; this is based more on wikipedia research than anything. In fact, I'll go on record that I dislike Scott Adams for his misogynistic comments, and probably would have skipped this prompt, except that it wound up paired with a movie that's all about empowered women. And, hey, it's a crackfic anyway, so . . . Dilbert belongs to Scott Adams and Kill Bill belongs to Quentin Tarantino.
Wally was on his way to his third restroom break of the hour. Up ahead, Alice had just turned the knob to the ladies' room when a massive wave of water threw open the door and splashed down both halves of the hallway.
As the flood passed by, Wally held his cup of coffee over his head. he then lowered it and took a sip as he regarded Alice, laying prone on the floor before him.
Her face was contorted in fury. "WHAT."
"Plumbing problems," Wally said dismissively. "Oh well. Not the first time I've used the parking lot."
Alice looked up at him. "Do you have no shame?"
"I don't see why I should. I don't get for experiencing shame." He walked over to the men's room and held the coffee cup over his head again. With his other hand, he turned the knob and opened the door just a crack, big enough to peek through. "Oh," he said, then opened the door the rest of way, walking into the dry restroom.
"You've got to be kidding," Alice said, sitting up. "Don't tell me all the women's restrooms, and only the women's restrooms, are flooded."
"Only the women's restrooms are flooded," said a very wet Tina the technical writer, walking past one end of the hallway.
Alice climbed to her feet and began marching down the hallway. "This is the last straw," she whispered hoarsely. "The last one. The only one left. And when I arrive at my destination, I am gonna kill Bill."
A sudden chord of dramatic music was interrupted by Wally, who had caught up to her. "Who's Bill?"
"Our boss."
"Which one?"
"The one with the pointy hair."
"Since when is his name Bill?"
"Since always!" Then Alice paused. "You got here awfully quickly. Did you even wash your hands?"
"Sure. Just like I do in the parking lot."
* * *
Alice kicked open the door leading to her boss's suite, but immediately ducked as a wooden shaft flew out of the doorway. She glared at carol, the secretary. "What are you doing?"
"Target practice," Carol replied, loading another bolt into the crossbow.
Alice glanced at the door. Instead of a ring target, a giant cardboard cutout of their boss was stapled to the door. "Why would you hang that on the door?"
Carol shrugged. "I hoped I might get lucky. Maybe next time."
Alice growled and charged at the other door, that led to the pointy-haired boss's office. IgnoringCarol's angry protest, she crashed through, finding their boss behind his desk and Dilbert seated in front of it.
The boss looked confused. "I'm already doing a meeting. You have to wait your turn!"
Alice ignored him. "Bill! Why are all the women's restrooms flooding?"
Dilbert raised an eyebrow. "Who's Bill?"
"He is!" Alice pointed at their boss.
"Since when?"
"Since always!"
"It does sound familiar, yes," admitted the pointy-haired boss, "although no one ever calls me by name anymore. I don't know why."
Alice repeated her question as she stormed to the desk. "Why are all my bathrooms flooded, Bill?"
"Well, half of the bathrooms needed to be flooded. Since only seventy-nine percent of our employees are female, the logical choice was obvious."
"What? If there are more women than men, you should have flooded the men's rooms!"
"Hm?" The boss looked puzzled. "Oh, sorry. Seventy-nine is the percentage of the average male employee's paycheck that most of our female employees are paid. Our workforce is only thirty-nine percent female."
"Why did any bathrooms need to be flooded to begin with?"
Dogbert suddenly appeared from one of the white square tiles in the ceiling. "He isn't able to disclose that information at this time. A memo will be released when the hour is right. And then the whole world will know . . ." He retreated, slowly and ominously, and replaced the ceiling tile.
Alice huffed and leaned over the desk, grabbing her boss by his collar. You still could have alternated which bathroom was flooded on different floors, you idiot!"
He stared at her blankly. "But what if I were on a floor with a flooded men's room?"
Alice began shaking, with a growl growing louder and louder in her throat. Finally, she yelled, "Five-Point-Fist of Death Exploding Heart Technique!" She dealt a series of punches into the pointy-haired boss's torso, knocking him and his chair backwards.
"Oooow. My . . . uh . . ." he gestured around the center of his chest with his finger.
"Heart," said Alice.
"No. Pan . . . Pangkrie?"
"The pancreas is lower down," said Dilbert.
"Hm. I could have sworn . . . Oh, well. Close enough." And he collapsed.