Unfortunately... by
Neshomeh
on 2014-03-15 15:37:00 UTC
Reply
I have several points of concern:
- Your introduction post is still on the front page. We generally prefer people to have been active in the community longer than one week before we give them the keys to the playground.
- The Konami Code is not even trying to be anything resembling number. Also, IMO, it's kind of an eyesore when it crops up in the midst of a narrative.
- I think Billy's backstory of chasing after an underage girl to show her that stalking is wrong is part of his badfic, but that's still exceptionally creepy. I'm not really seeing what redeeming qualities caused the agents on the mission to have recruited him. That coupled with his tendency to relapse into Suedom really worries me.
- In the first writing sample, there's a statement that the agents can't go to the Canon Library because they might get a mission and would have no way to contact each other. This is a bit silly, since if it were true, no one would ever leave their RCs. Most agents tend to settle for the low-tech method of "tracking the other one down on foot," but there are cell phones and even more futuristic communications devices to be had in HQ, too—and Bob has a Pidgey. I'm thinking carrier pigeon, maybe? Plus, what with the Laws of Narrative Irony, actively waiting for a mission would tend to make it not happen.
- In the second writing sample... that's AU, right? I mean, if Billy does enjoy badfic sincerely, and not in the sense that mocking it is fun, I really have to insist you find another partner for Bob. {= / (Note to PGs: This prompt is maybe not great? How many ways can we think of to write it in a way that shows us something good instead of worrisome?)
- Did you use a beta for your writing samples? I caught several SPaG errors, including:
-- "Man, I’m so bored!" exclaimed Billy - Missing quotation mark.
-- The hedgehog lashed out at this remark. “Are you kidding me?!" - Missing period.
-- “If you mean the fact that" - "man" should be "mean."
-- Billy was about to continue his argument when the console, in what was presumably a show of kindness - "wat" should be "was."
-- “Seriously?! My Little Pony?!” - Titles of long works, such as TV series, are italicized.
-- Too many missing or misplaced commas to account for here.
So, for those reasons, I must say Permission Denied for the time being. Hang around a good while longer, work on your agents, keep reading the Original Series and other spinoffs, and try again another time. {= )
~Neshomeh