Subject: The "the enemy" one is fine.
Author:
Posted on: 2014-01-26 02:51:00 UTC
It's a somewhat-popular expression in English to refer to a massed force of opponents as "the enemy". I'm slapping myself for having missed the mini-Agent and all of those "though"s, though.
AT LAST! Marvin and Printworthy's first mission is finally complete! After almost a year of procrastinating and ignoring it, it somehow got written! You can read it here:
Mission One: The Death and Resurrection of Shining Armor
If you have not read the first meeting of Marvin and Printworthy...don't bother, really, this mission introduces them just fine. But, if you absolutely must read it, see them at RC #901\1Y
Thanks to sonofheaven176, Herr Wozzeck and the Irish Samurai for all of the help they gave, be it beta reading the mission, checking charges, or helping me come up with an ending. Thank you all so much!
And now, there are some wigs-on-sticks that I have to give away. Who wants one?
I think this mission was a success. The major point that dawned on me as I read was that it "fit" so well into the LMPverse. Aside from the one unavoidable badfic scene where Shining Armor got stabbed, all the scenes felt appropriate for a cartoon aimed at children. One example of this was the relationship between Marvin and Printworthy; their friendship read very naturally to me, very simply buddy-buddy. Even the more serious ones were handled properly so that they didn't fly in the face of the canon's values. You did this by either toning down violence and aggression (like in the final fight scene), or adding a bit of little silliness when the badfic inflicted overwrought emotion on us (as when Cadence started acting insane--love that "Neighcronomicon" joke, by the way). At the same time, you still allowed the characters to express emotions appropriate to what was happening around them, which helped the mission get across the damage the continuum was suffering from the badfic. The absolute epitome of this was the ending scene between Cadence and Shining Armor. I like that, after the removal of the sparkle specters, the characters still felt the consequences of what they (thought they) had done, and own up to it. I like it when we show a bit of the canon characters back to normal after a mission; it's something I need to get better at, myself. All in all, this mission did an excellent job of involving both the agents (and mini!) and the canon characters in the solution to the badfic problem, even including the Changelings.
Other things I enjoyed include your excellent use of cartoon physics (another example of making the mission feel in the MLPverse); some of the actions the agents make feel like they belong in the flash cartoon-style MLP. Your interpretation of the rather unique time distortion's effects was good as well. You went beyond stating the agents felt sick from it, and used their speech to demonstrate what was happening to them in a more concrete form for the reader. Rartiy's characterization was also excellent, and you made good use involving it in the finale, especially since you had it act through aspects of Discord's personality. It was a perfect way to show off the more negative aspects of a mini-Discord's personality while still keeping the mini allied to the agents and canon. I also liked that the agents used their foreknowledge of the title to realize what was coming and modify their plans as a result. It's something that a person reading the badfic would have done, and helps link the reader to the characters.
There were a couple of very unique things you tried, which I don't see in missions very frequently, but which you accomplished quite well. First, you used one of the badfic's own events (resurrecting Shining Armor) against it. This doesn't really make sense when you think about it, but canon is stronger than fic, after all, so I can interpret this as the canon words seeing an opportunity to regain some influence and seizing it. It wasn't just a standalone event for convenience's sake, either, but a clue to the agents as to the nature of the wraiths present in the other canons. The second, and especially interesting thing, was providing a "rewrite" of Shining Armor's death scene. This made stronger the assertion that the death had been neglected by the single paragraph in-fic, and also made it easier for the reader to understand why Marvin got so upset over that, simply by showing (not telling) a very obvious contrast between the two different portrayals of a single scene. It does contradict our typical reporting (whatever the fic says is what happens, and if the fic says it stupidly, it happens stupidly), but you made this scene do so much work that I personally find that a negligible problem.
One thing that confused me was the "manes and tails on sticks" thing. I'm sure it's the result of something in the words, but I can't quite see the connection between what was written in the badfic and what resulted from those words, based on what you show us in the mission right now. Also, at a couple of points you refer to the MLP characters speaking English. I doubt the Ponies speak the same languages as appear on Earth, but I know this gets confusing between universal translators and such.
And now, your first exposure to doctorlit's really quite obnoxious listing of minor errors he found (I read the mission yesterday and wrote this comment today, so I apologize if you already fixed any of these):
"Rather, happiness is a sign to those in the Legal Departments that the agents are getting too comfortable, and need to be reminded of the nature of their work." Pretty sure we only have one Legal Department. I think. Have I missed anything, guys?
"Shining Armor and Cadence magically appeared in the middle of the room and, by the sound of it, an argument."
I think a verb "had" is missing in front of "an argument." Unless you're saying that the argument appeared along with the characters, but if so, that sounds a little clunky.
" . . . said Printworthy. I know how important grooming is for pegasi . . ." A missing open quotation.
"Printworthy stared, baffled at his surly insane partner . . ." I think you meant "surely" instead of "surly" here.
"With a final whistle from the Agent, the Wraith flew out of Cadence’s body . . ." That should be a lowercase "a," so as to avoid kidnapping Lily Winterwood's Time Lord character.
"'I will open the portal to the Medical department.'" A capital "D."
Finally, the alrights. "Alright" is not a word; the phrase is "all right." I won't list them all; just use the search function for that.
This is a very thorough and thought out review, and I thank you for posting it.
Yes! I was worried some bits got too violent in the mission, so I'm thrilled that you noticed that I tried to make it sound apropriate for the universe of MLP. I thought, if I am going to be writing missions set exclusively in Equestria, I can't have them feel inappropriate to the tone of the show, as I would be far too hypocritical for blasting fic that felt wrong in a way that was also contradictory to the show. I also thought Marvin and Printworthy should be friends because of this. While agents who can't stand each other can be funny, it is the Magic of Friendship that will pull these two through.
I like to explore the effects of badfic, which is why I used the canons in the way I did. Just because they have been released from the Specter's, erm, Wraith's grasp, it does not mean the fic never happened. The end scene with Shining Armor and Cadence is one of my favorites, as it drives home one of the points I tried to make: this story can work. Yes, as it is, the fic sucks, but the core story has such potential it hurts! So, I take glimpses into 'what could have been,' to both tell good fic and to show how it is done.
Ah, Rartiy. You know, I missed this mini the first few times I read it. Originally the mini was going to be griffon. Turns out, in Equestria, griffin is spelled griffon, as shown in the merch and the episode 'Griffon the Brush Off.' I was so sad to lose my mini, but then I found Rartiy and, well, you saw what happened from there. Rartiy's personality is a bit of Discord blended with the drama of Rarity, as well as her pension for 'organized chaos.' This was not too evident in this mission, but will come to provide Printworthy with no shortage of headaches.
I debated with myself for a long time on how to present Shining Armor's death. I wanted to do the rewrite version, which I did, yet I also knew how the PPC usually treats these scenes. In the end, I desided that ultimately what was important was that the Agents were physically there in the fic. The paragraph left too little information to make a joke out of, so I showed how it 'really' happened. I am thrilled so many people like that scene, and that I had made the right decision.
The Wigs-on-Sticks were made because when the badfic tried to insert description, it always described the pony's mane. It was jarring and very sudden when it happened, so I desided to make the strange mane descriptions a joke item. Perhaps if you read the fic, it would be funnier. Sadly, the fic is deleted, though I do have it saved. Oh well.
I think I remember one of the ponies referencing English in the show, though I may be wrong. I do know that Equestrian is suspiciously like English though, so perhaps I'll make a joke out of that.
Ah, more things to change. Some things I caught, others are new to me. However, I will not be changing the alrights. To me, alright and all right are two similar, but different phrases. Alright is a synonym for acceptable, fine, OK, ect. All Right means correct, factual, ect. Plus, alright is becoming more widespread and accepted, enough that my Kindle dictionary recognises it as a word, with the definition I used. So, to do my part to make alright an accepted word, I will use it when appropriate. Thank you, though, for voicing your concern.
Thank you so much for this review. I am thrilled you enjoyed it, and I hope the next one is as good, if not better.
I could post the descriptions, since I have a copy of the badfic, but now that you've said that the fic is deleted, I'm having second thoughts. Was the fic deleted before or after you sporked it? Apparently, the author knew that his fic wasn't as good as it should have been.
As for the question of how the wigs on sticks came about, it was due to clumsy phrasing. Since the mission almost quotes the text leading to the Cadence wig verbatim, I'm not that squeamish about posting that:
Shining Armor told his pink alicorn wife with a long blonde mane and tail that has shades of dark pink and purple in it as he wiped the tears from her purple eyes "hey don't worry there's no way i'll let a griffon/ changeling hybrid get the best of me plus do you want them to attack and take over Canterlot."
The author clearly intended to integrate a description of Cadence into the sentence, but as PPC humor requires badly-written sentences to be interpreted in the most humorous way possible, voilà! Shining is talking to Cadence while holding a Cadence-mane wig!
Similar clumsy phrasing led to the Twilight and Celestia wigs.
My eyes are practically tripping over that sentence.
I only learned that it was deleted because I was looking to provide links to the badfic for the Wiki and other such places. So, I can't be sure when it was deleted, though it was up while I was sporking it, and a good way into it. However, this is not the first time the author has done this. He likes to put his stories up, leave them there for a few months, then take them down and put them back up with relatively minor canon edits and barley any grammar changes. He's allowed because he's making it "up to date," when really, he's just having his story on the front page. I may seem like I'm attacking the guy, but when I watched him do the same basic thing to three other stories, I feel fairly safe on this assumption. So no, he does not think it could be better. He wants more traffic.
Also, based on my philosophy on how works are separate from their creators, I may post the whole thing. I'd have it as a link only view at the end of the mission so that nobody could just stumble across it and bring the guy any more embarrassment then the mission itself would. I would also note that he is likely to come out with a (slightly) edited version at some point, and encourage readers to see his new work and support his improvement as a writer. He seems like a nice guy, just a bad writer who has (thus far) ignored criticism of his work. I want to bring support to his new works, while also laughing at the old, worse ones.
...That said, this is not likely the last fic from dbzponyninja that Marvin and Printworthy will 'fix.' Really, he seems to be a good guy with an honest heart and some great ideas, but just terrible writing. All of his fics so far have been bad. All of them. I'm almost convinced he is the nicest troll ever.
Congratulations on your first mission!
This one was a real treat to read: your characterization, description, and PPC humour are spot-on. I especially loved the banter between your agents.
I'll be looking forward to seeing these two again...
I wish I could write battle scenes like this. And Cadence showing Marvin her grief, and – well, essentially everything others already said.
Unfortunately, I had to maintain my own charge list:
Marvin gave his full attention to the console, applying the most accurate and sophisticated manner he knew to get to console to behave as he wanted.
Should be get the console
Printworthy walked over to the case Marvin pointed towards, and began searching though the assorted titles.
Should be searching through
What you see here is an extra space in front of a backslash: a griffon \changeling hybrid
What is seen in the badfic, supposed you quoted it correctly, is an extra space at the back of a slash.
There is a word, probably at, missing in “Evidently,” he said, still looking the Words?
swinging and stabbing at the enemy, forcing most of them back. Shouldn’t this be enemies?
their victory having came at last (Tense shift?) Shouldn’t this be having come at last?
Shining Armor’s corpse laid on his back, My Dictionary says that lay would be the past tense of to lie, while laid is the past tense of to lay.
Each bend he turned, the louder the sounds became. This sounds weird. I would expect another phrase following the louder the sounds became. You probably meant Each bend he turned, the sounds became louder.
The swarm began back down their original path. Is there something missing?
He had to remember to go the inverse direction he went before. I’m not sure, but something may be missing here as well.
At some point though the reading Should be through the reading?
Please catch this mini-agent: Mavin looked into Cadence’s eyes.
And there is a minor continuity issue: Last time we saw Shining Armor in the battle, his mouth had been bound shut with multi-colored rope by Rartiy. When we see him again, he is outside, resting from his regeneration and subsequent fighting for his new life and he can smile and speak without difficulty. A lot has happened meanwhile, but I still wonder who removed the rope.
But I enjoyed it anyway, it’s a fantastic first mission.
HG
It's a somewhat-popular expression in English to refer to a massed force of opponents as "the enemy". I'm slapping myself for having missed the mini-Agent and all of those "though"s, though.
Heh, you know how much work it took to get that battle scene to feel right? I'm sure you can write battle scenes just as good if you try. May take a while, but you'll get it.
Oh, jeez, that many errors? I'm building up quite the list. Ah well, such is to be expected. I'll add these to the list of things to change. Thanks for pointing them out though!
Oh, on the continuity issue: I'll just say that Printworthy removed it when he caught up to him. I'll think a bit on if I should address this in the story, but the way I'm thinking now, it's probably going to be left alone. Still, thank you for pointing it out!
OK, so, it seems like everybody loves the scene where Cadence exorcises Twilight. If one of the artists in the PPC could draw that scene, I would be so happy and eternally grateful and everything. Please?
This was AWESOME.
I did notice a few misspellings- unfortunately, the only one that comes to mind is 'faithfull' and that's already been pointed out- but aside from a very small number of those, this was flawless.
I really loved your characterization of Marvin and Printworthy, and how you didn't give Marvin an easy time during his transformation into a pony. Hopefully, he'll get the hang of it soon!
But to be honest... I think what really made my day with this were Rartiy (How in the hoof do you pronounce that? Rare-tee-ye?) as your first mini, and Cadence finishing the exorcism. I really loved that. :3
Good luck with your next mission! Now that you have one mission under your belt, maybe the next one won't take as long to write. ;)
(The capital letters were because of emphasis on the first syllable, but I'd also imagined the second and third syllables flowing together, and I'm not sure how to denote that.)
That could easily be wrong, though. It's just what made sense to me. World-Jumper, can we have an official pronunciation confirmation?
Still, I like your way. Say it however you like, she loves the chaotic nature of having mutable pronunciations to her name.
(And yes, Rartiy is female. I decided that more then just mini-Discords, they were mini-Draconequis. As such, due to being named after Rarity, Rartiy would be female. She would just look exactly like a miniature Discord. Don't question how it works.)
(the "i" already makes it plural; the "s" is superfluous and, frankly, ungrammatical. Don't ask for details unless you want a quick Latin lesson.)
Given the recent thread about naming minis after species instead of characters, it would make sense to refer to MLP minis as mini-draconequi than as mini-Discords.
But then again, there is also the rule that the first person who makes a mission or OFU in the fandom gets to name the mini, so even though your missions can refer to Rartiy as a mini-draconequus (since that is Discord's species (though technically, what he really is is a chimera)), the official name PPC-wide would still be "mini-Discords."
Mini-Aragogs were considered to be small acromantulas rather than simply little versions of Aragog from the beginning, and they were the second or third mini to be created, so not every character-derived mini has to be the character, just a being with a similar appearance and some similar personality traits, such as a propensity for chaos with the mini-Discords. But the mini-Aragogs are still called mini-Aragogs, because that's what they are and that's what they've been for years.
What I think World-Jumper meant was that he was planning on fleshing out mini-Discords as a mini species capable of more variance than their name would imply, like the mini-Aragogs are. It makes sense, since Discord is a spirit of chaos, after all, and his mini-selves would probably be opposed to acting the same, especially if they already have to look the same. I don't think World-Jumper wanted to change the species name. If he did, he probably wouldn't have called Rartiy a mini-Discord in his mission.
I was thinking that they are still called mini-Discords, but can be expanded from just the character they resemble.
Actually, I was thinking if a particular misspelling became popular enough, the mini would start to look like a draconequus version of their namesakes. For example:
Twilit
Pinky
Flutershy
Just a thought. May not do it, we'll see.
Discord is referred to as a draconequus, so that makes him a draconequus, doesn't it? Even if his design was based off the Chimera, that doesn't make him one. (And besides, the original Chimera was usually depicted as an amalgam of three creatures, not... however many Discord has.)
Also, random thought: In the show, if you're a female pony, you have eyelashes, and if you're male, you don't. Whenever Rarity isn't wearing her fake eyelashes, she's animated as not having any. Make of that what you will.
Couple of minor things, though: faithful is spelled thus and occasionally you call the wraiths Sparkle Spectres rather than Shimmer Spectres. Other than that, it's a great fic. Marvin and Printworthy have a lot of chemistry.
Also, I'd like to claim one of the wigs; Wobblevision will shortly start airing MLP:FIM and Wobbles will need to make plushies for the kids. =]
--parp
Glad you enjoyed it!
Alright, I'll change those errors. The Spectres are supposed to be Shimmer Spectres, so to not cause confusion with Twilight Sparkle.
Alright, which one do you want? I got a Twilight one, a Celestia one, and I think another Cadence one. I don't know about the Cadence one, as sonofheaven has one, but the other two I'm sure! The Celestia one even moves without wind!
She is the main character, after all. It's just a shame that there aren't any ones for the other Mane 6; then Wobbles could do 'em to order for competition winners or something. =]
--parp
I think Rartiy can make the other five if you want. Hold on, let me ask.
Yeah, she can, but she wants something in return. Um... I don't know, if you give her something when she drops off your Twilight wig, I'm pretty sure she will make you the other five wigs in return! Right, Rartiy? Good draconequus.
Oi! I saw that evil grin! Be nice!
She might not be nice.
(Here, take a story prompt. I'm sure you want it. A spirit of chaos interacting with Wobbles and the Notary? Sounds like an interlude if I ever heard one. Take the prompt if you want, but the Twilight wig is yours!)
Sure, I'll be along with something for you. You like teddy bears? Just kidding, everybody likes teddy bears. Except the Notary, but I'm currently sewing a plushie filing cabinet for her so it's all good! =oD
I think Wobbles may well be my favorite agent right now. If your characters stay this consistently awesome, I can tell your missions are going to be a treat! Interludes too, if this is confirmation that you'll write one about Rartiy dropping off the Wig-on-a-Stick.
Also, is it wrong that I hear Harley Quin's voice when I read Wobbles' dialogue? Not that I think Wobbles would be as sadistic as Harley, I just hear that voice. I wonder why. Maybe it's because they are both clowns. Sorta.
One of her lust objects is Harleen Quinzel - not, and this is rather important, Harley Quinn. She thinks of Harley and her Mistah J as a perversion of everything clowns are supposed to be.
That said, their voices are kinda similar, so you can keep doing that, I guess. =]
I know literally nothing about MLP, and I still loved this mission so very much. The bits from the perspectives of inanimate objects, especially the RC who just wants peace and quiet, were my favourite parts, I think, because they were both funny and, in the case of the second RC POV, oddly, unexpectedly, poignant. And original. Very original.
The action climax was unexpected but well-executed, and Cadence doing an exorcism was wonderful. All in all, great job, and I wish you luck in future projects.
-Aila
I really liked the way this one started. Most first missions either aren't really an Agent's first excursion into the Word Worlds, personal chrononology-wise, or have the supposedly fresh-from-recruitment Agents jump right in, taking to the experience in a strangely natural way. It was nice to see Printworthy being somewhat anxious about his first mission and see Marvin have no idea how to work the console. It felt very genuine.
There seems to have been a consistent name misspelling here. In every official work I've seen, the alicorn known here as "Princess Cadence" was spelled as "Princess Cadance". I noticed the "Cadence" spelling in both the badfic quotes and in the Agents' dialogue; while the instances of the former would simply cause the team's first mini-Discord to fly around and pester people far before Rartiy shows up, the instances of the latter should be fixed, unless the "Cadence" spelling is supported by another official source that I'm just unaware of. Actually, since every time Princess Cadance should appear in the original badfic, the misspelled name is shown instead, under normal circumstances the mini-Discord would either take her place in the story, which is beyond suggestion at this point since it would require too much rewriting and take out some of the mission's best scenes, or follow her around, copying her actions and speech, which isn't used very often in the PPC, but it would stave off the potential problem of rewriting a load of descriptions and would also be funny to watch.
"Printworthy’s quill stopped as he slowly raised his head, watching the once proud Captain of the Royal Guard get reduced into having the vocal capabilities of a foal who had just learned how to speak, only with far less enduringness, and much more mental pain." Is it Printworthy who is experiencing mental pain here, or Shining Armor? The way the sentence is phrased now, it seems to say that Shining Armor is speaking with more mental pain than usual, but that doesn't make a lot of sense for Printworthy to recount, unless he's telepathic. It would make sense if Printworthy's mind was hurting as he watches Shining Armor act in such an undignified manner, but the sentence doesn't imply that. Also, something about the word "enduringness" is rubbing me the wrong way. It's a real word, at least according to Google, but it seems out of place somehow. It might be connected to the same confusion involving the owner of the aforementioned mental pain.
"intently, waiting for the three to use it, waiting to see how the spell works." The tense switches to present from past at the end of the sentence there. It should probably say "would work" instead of "works".
"At some point though the reading, they said nothing slightly different, but whatever it was, it was clearly the right way" I'm just confused on what's being said here. Judging by the sentence directly before it, "The mares began to read once more, silence echoing though the room, building in strength", I think it might have denoted that all of a sudden, the two ponies began to be silent correctly, but that's just odd to me. Is there a wrong way to be silent? As long as no noise is emitted, silence is only affected by the context it exists in, right? I think that's how it works. Is that line paraphrased from a badfic quote? I liked most of your paraphrasings, since they translated the original badfic's ungrammatical mush into coherent actions and descriptions. However, if this was one of them, it might be best to leave it in its original form, because it wouldn't be beyond a badfic to make vaguely baffling claims on the correctness of a silence, so the section would make more sense, in a roundabout way at least.
That climax was awesome, by the way. My favorite parts were the scenes where Cadance was exorcizing Twilight and when the changelings turned against the Hybrids. I liked both scenes for entirely different reasons, and since you put a couple of great tonal shifts in there so that the story cuts between and captures the Agents' attitudes, the emotional responses of the ponies, and the simple, pragmatic malice of the changelings, it doesn't feel like anything was out of place, even though there was so much going on. I'm really looking forward to seeing more from these two!
I thought that the first mission should actually be their first mission. Marvin had some training before, and Printworthy was shown some of the ropes by Marvin beforehand, but otherwise, this is their first time actually on the field. The console VS Marvin gag is going to continue, with Marvin continually thinking that he finally has it figured out, and the console proving that he does not. It will just build and build until finally Marvin and the console have a sit-down together and talk out their differences. Or something. I don't know, we'll see what happens.
On Cadence VS Cadance. This is something of a debate that honestly, I'm just going to leave alone. In the credits to the season three opener they spelled it Cadence, as well in some of the books that nobody reads and promotional material for the Royal Wedding. Cadence is also a musical term, as you know, and fits better with the pony name formula. However, in most of the toys and the credits to Equestria Girls, it's spelled Cadance. So, which is the 'canon' spelling? Probably Cadance, but Cadence is so wide-spread and used in canon as well, I'm just going to accept both as canon, so no mini-Discords from either spelling.
What I was trying to say with that sentence is that babies mangled english is endearing, but Shining Armor's is painful to hear. I see what your saying though, and I'll see how to fix that line to make it more clear.
Whoops, my mistake. I'll fix it when I can.
Alright, I'll explain the silence magic. The reason I went with silence magic is because the badfic never said how the spell was cast, only that it was read. So, because there was no information on the nature of the spell, I decided to make it the crashing tones of silence. Then, later, the badfic said, "Twilight agreed as he and Princess Celestia reread the book again and performed the spell once again this time the right way." So, since the spell was merely cast again, only the right way, I had the silence spoken again, only the right way. I may change the 'silence magic,' but I think I'm going to just leave this as it is. I see what you are saying, I just don't know if it's worth it to change it.
Well, thank you. I had a heck of a time thinking of an ending, and Herr Wozzeck gave me the great suggestion of absolute chaos breaking out in the middle of the charge list. I took that idea and ran with it, making it as chaotic and clustered as I could, while still having the story make sense. I think my favorite parts were between Marvin and Cadence, as she finally got to express the grief she had bottled up inside this entire fic, through beating the tar out of Marvin. Plus, I think this was the first instance of a canon character performing an exorcism. Am I correct in saying this? I think I am.
I'm glad you liked it! Hopefully the next one won't take near as long to write! I'll be tackling the worst Gary Stu I have ever seen for the next one, and then... My Little Unicorn.
DUN DUN DUN!
Actually, I might take on My Little Unicorn next, though if I do, I may need some help. This is not a hint for people to start agreeing to help tackle that monstrosity, I'm just thinking ahead.
There are three or four My Little Unicorn stories, though. Which one are you going after? Is it one of the ones that takes place in space? Because dropping Marvin and Printworthy in the middle of a space battle between three-horned alicorns would be the cruellest kind of hilarious. (I don't actually know if there are any space battles; I've never read any of the series. I don't doubt that there are, though.)
I'd seen the Season Three credits instance of "Cadence", but I'd just thought it was a typo, since the rest of the material that I'd seen had it spelled "Cadance". If it appears officially in other official media, though, I suppose it can count as apocryphal canon or something. That's fine, then.
Regarding the "silence" lines: I can see what you meant now, but considering that the previous mention of the spell as silence was several pages before, maybe you could just rephrase the disputed section to be a little clearer. Maybe something like "At some point, the rippling of silence slightly changed, differing from the previous soundless spell in a way that, somehow, seemed to be indescribably more correct than the last reading."
Extending from that, maybe the altered version of the disputed Shining Armor description can just be a modified version of that sentence you just used while referring to it, i.e. "reduced into having the vocal capabilities of a foal who had just learned how to speak. However, while a foal's messy language could potentially be considered endearing, Shining Armor's was simply painful to listen to."
Maybe that was my problem with the word "enduringness". Because it was probably supposed to be referring to something as "endearing" rather than "enduring".
Heh, references to MSTs that most boarders have probably never read.
Which My Little Unicorn will I be killing? Eventually? Most of them. I'm going to start with the first one, then move on to Starfleet Magic (which has nothing to do with Star Trek) later. I'll recruit one of the characters, then have him sucked back into the sequel unexpectedly, which sends Marvin and Printworthy back for more Mykan. Yay.
Yeah, I suppose that works for the silence lines. I can't access the doc right now, but I'll change that when I get on to it. Same goes to the Shining Armor one.
I am waiting for an e-mail from you.
And I'd been waiting on one from you. I thought you said that after Chapter Six was published, you'd send over your plans for the sideplot for me to look over. Hold on, let me check...
Oh. I see it now. I'd missed the sentence where you requested confirmation that the published chapter hadn't introduced any new problems. Let me just read it over again.
Nope, no new issues. The last few detail changes seem to have been hammered out, and I didn't notice any typos or odd phrases, other than the "It looks like our pursuer found a new opponent" that I mentioned in the last e-mail, and on further reflection, Vestals do occasionally talk like that in canon, so it's not really much of an issue.
Sorry about that. One missed sentence cost about a week of progress. I'd been wondering why you hadn't sent anything by now.
expect an email from me later today.
Having worked on that mission, I think I deserve one of those, don't you think?
As for the story itself, you did quite a good job. I like the way that you've dealt with the suggestions that I made, especially the introduction of the term "Shimmer Specter." And congratulate your brother on a job well done; the formatting is just as it should be—with the exception of one word. He missed "definetly"; that should be italicized.
Overall, a very good mission, and I like the A/N that you put at the end. BTW, I believe you meant to say wasted potential, not waited potential.
Hopefully the next mission will not take another year to type. If so, I might have the entirety of Lost Luster up by then!
PS..: A few errors that you might want to fix:
"The Pegasus blinked for a few moments, processing the unicorn’s strange explanation."
"Pegasus" should have a lowercase P there. Microsoft Word AutoCorrects "pegasus" to "Pegasus," so please keep an eye on that in future missions.
"Oh! I see what you did there! Shimmer Specters, that’s an interesting name for them."
"Shimmer Specters" should be enclosed in single quotes.
“No, really, wrap it up! The Changelings are-!”
That should be an em dash at the end there, not a hyphen. If your keyboard has a number pad, the command to input an em dash is ALT + 0151. Otherwise (assuming that you are typing in Microsoft Word), you can use two hyphens. Word will AutoCorrect the two hyphens into an em dash after you finish typing the next word.
You more then deserve it. I cannot thank you enough for the help you gave in editing this mission. I had a heck of a time seeing some of my errors, so I thank you for taking the time to point out each of them and provide solutions.
I fixed the errors you pointed out. Once you start editing, you just can't stop... I kid, thanks.
Hopefully it won't take another year! I have two fics I have in my sights: one that is long as all heck but wonderful to mock; the other has the worst Gary Stu I have ever seen, but the fic is deleted. I have it saved, but the fact that it's gone... I don't know. We will see.
...so far this has been my favorite first mission from anyone in the PPC. Only this time, it's so much better with the new action climax. It was exactly as chaotic as I imagined such a situation to be, and it was incredible. Of note is the stuff with Marvin and Cadence, which was done beautifully. More of that, please!
But yeah, great first mission! Here's hoping your next one doesn't take a year to publish!
(Also, don't forget to add the mission to the Wiki!)
It seems like all the formatting disappeared. I distinctly remember some italics and boldface being in the mission.
No, I looked, it was all there. I checked before putting it up on the Board.
Hold on...
No. No way.
Alright, I'll be right back...
He is very kindly changing the formatting to what it is supposed to be. I have no idea what happened, but whatever it was, Google is to blame. It may take some time, so the mission is not exactly as I want it to be seen. It is still readable and understandable, but not the way it was supposed to read.
Dang Shimmer Specters sabotaging my mission...