Clones of J.R.R. Tolkien?

Subject: Clones of J.R.R. Tolkien?
Author: Outhra
Posted on: 2013-11-27 21:54:00 UTC

Look what you made me do.

In a world plagued by writing that is unoriginal, illogical, or otherwise downright terrible...

In a world where the once bright and beautiful Elvish language has been ruined by fangirls and terrible translator websites...

In a world where The Hobbit, part of a world that has been fondly remembered across the years and echoes by hundreds of writers, is now subject to unneeded canonical additions and questionable CGI by the very movie series that formerly raised Middle-earth from the dust of Bakshi...

Only one man can save us all. But one man isn't enough for the job.

Nearly one year ago, the tomb of the world-renowned fantasy author John Ronald Reuel Tolkien was broken into, and several seemingly random body parts were removed with clinical precision. Police had never found the culprit, and had never deduced the motive behind the desecration of the famed genre-definer's sacred resting place... until now.

Now, three men, identical in memory and appearance to the lost legend, have arrived to save our world!

Witness the combat against failed adaptations and derivative works alike!

Witness the acts of cunning and intellect as these three men infiltrate the world that still remembers their name, but knows nothing of their return to life, ready to face off against threats to its stability!

Witness the stunning revelation of the mysterious benefactor who has thrice resurrected the once-deceased author from the grave!

(Spoilers: It's Mecha-C.S. Lewis.)

Witness the return of a legend!

CLONES OF J.R.R. TOLKIEN
Arriving this January in theaters everywhere.

Who would the villain be, though? Making it Peter Jackson would not only be obvious, but unfair. I see his studio's role in the hypothetical scenario here more as the means that the true villain is using to an end.

I've got it! The villain would be the ghost of Amanda McKittrick Ros, still seeking vengeance against Lewis and Tolkien for mocking her purple prose so long ago!

Through brief possession and ghostly exhortation, she caused the movie versions of Prince Caspian and Voyage of the Dawn Treader to be nothing like the books, and has now turned her wrath on Tolkien, seeking to ruin both famed authors' names and sully their literary reputations!

Maybe she would also be responsible for the supposed Tolkien biopic, inspired by the absolute ruination of the characters of other famous people from other biopics. Nefarious!

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So, now we might get actual Tolkien fangirls? by EileenAlphabet on 2013-11-23 10:00:00 UTC Reply

There's a movie about Tolkien being developed. Not a lot is know at this time, but the thought is intriguing.

http://screenrant.com/tolkien-movie-biopic/

I don't think so... by Autumn_68 on 2013-11-24 03:38:00 UTC Reply

There's a lesser possibility of teenage girls digging an old professor of Oxford University who often discusses literature with more old university professors. Don't get me wrong, I love that genius, Professor Tolkien, but I don't think the director would choose a "totally haaaaaaaaaawt" guy to play Professor Tolkien.

~Autumn

Well ... by EileenAlphabet on 2013-11-26 11:13:00 UTC Reply

They will most likely start with him being young. Have you seen the picture on Wikipedia? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J.R.R._Tolkien

He won't need much of a Historical Beauty Update to be played by a hot actor. I mean, if I squint and tilt my head I can almost see Benedict Cumberbatch (think War Horse) in that picture.

So while we probably won't get people fawning over the actual Professor Tolkien, we could get a fictional version, who is popular enough to get fanfics and badfics. And if the movie is good enough that PPCers would want to protect it, well, this could reach an extreme level of meta.

Well, look on the good side... by Autumn_68 on 2013-11-27 00:26:00 UTC Reply

That mustache would probably attract less fangirls. According to some, (not me, it isn't me!) he in that photo "looks nerdy even when he was young". This came someone who actually liked Tolkien's works, I forgot who, so...

~Autumn
Squints and *Shrugs* by Sevenswans on 2013-11-26 22:07:00 UTC Reply

Well, if you say he's hot, I suppose I'll have to trust your judgement, since I don't do aesthetic attraction, especially in those historical mug shots. :D
He looks a bit more like Tom Hiddleston to me. by DawnFire on 2013-11-26 19:25:00 UTC Reply

I think it's the expression--Benedict frowned more in War Horse, while Hiddleston...well, I've seen pretty similar expressions on his face.

Meta. Meta is good. I like meta.

I don't much like the thought of badfics about Tolkien himself, though.

~DF

I see what you mean by EileenAlphabet on 2013-11-26 20:15:00 UTC Reply

The picture reminded me of Cumberbatch, but that's probably because of the moustache. But Tom Hiddleston is as much a fangirls-magnet as Cumberbatch, so the point remains the same. (And that sounded a bit flippant; they are both amazingly talented actors, who just happen to be knicker-dropping dreamboats.)

Anyway, the hypothetical badfics wouldn't be about Tolkien himself (the PPC also has a policy against doing missions in real-person fanfics, though I can't recall the details) but about a fictionalized version of him if that's any comfort?

Not much of one, no. by DawnFire on 2013-11-26 20:23:00 UTC Reply

In fact, odds are I'd be twice as annoyed--I greatly admire the real Tolkien, and if the fictionalized version were to have fangirls, he'd probably be pretty likable, meaning that I'd probably like him too, and so the protectiveness would be amplified--real Tolkien plus fictionalized Tolkien, the second of which one could feel a little closer to...yeah. It would be comforting that it wouldn't be true RPF, but worse because it's easier to know a character better than a brilliant and currently deceased author.

True, the mustache is very Cumberbatch. The expression, however...much more Hiddleston.

~DF

"Currently deceased"? by EileenAlphabet on 2013-11-27 11:09:00 UTC Reply

Do you know something we don't? ;)

Welllllllll... by DawnFire on 2013-11-27 12:29:00 UTC Reply

...

...

...

To be perfectly honest, no, I don't. Just a case of slightly clumsy wording.

Although, you never know with future technology...he could potentially return as a clone, android, or hologram someday... ;)

~DF

Clones of J.R.R. Tolkien? by Outhra on 2013-11-27 21:54:00 UTC Reply

Look what you made me do.

In a world plagued by writing that is unoriginal, illogical, or otherwise downright terrible...

In a world where the once bright and beautiful Elvish language has been ruined by fangirls and terrible translator websites...

In a world where The Hobbit, part of a world that has been fondly remembered across the years and echoes by hundreds of writers, is now subject to unneeded canonical additions and questionable CGI by the very movie series that formerly raised Middle-earth from the dust of Bakshi...

Only one man can save us all. But one man isn't enough for the job.

Nearly one year ago, the tomb of the world-renowned fantasy author John Ronald Reuel Tolkien was broken into, and several seemingly random body parts were removed with clinical precision. Police had never found the culprit, and had never deduced the motive behind the desecration of the famed genre-definer's sacred resting place... until now.

Now, three men, identical in memory and appearance to the lost legend, have arrived to save our world!

Witness the combat against failed adaptations and derivative works alike!

Witness the acts of cunning and intellect as these three men infiltrate the world that still remembers their name, but knows nothing of their return to life, ready to face off against threats to its stability!

Witness the stunning revelation of the mysterious benefactor who has thrice resurrected the once-deceased author from the grave!

(Spoilers: It's Mecha-C.S. Lewis.)

Witness the return of a legend!

CLONES OF J.R.R. TOLKIEN
Arriving this January in theaters everywhere.

Who would the villain be, though? Making it Peter Jackson would not only be obvious, but unfair. I see his studio's role in the hypothetical scenario here more as the means that the true villain is using to an end.

I've got it! The villain would be the ghost of Amanda McKittrick Ros, still seeking vengeance against Lewis and Tolkien for mocking her purple prose so long ago!

Through brief possession and ghostly exhortation, she caused the movie versions of Prince Caspian and Voyage of the Dawn Treader to be nothing like the books, and has now turned her wrath on Tolkien, seeking to ruin both famed authors' names and sully their literary reputations!

Maybe she would also be responsible for the supposed Tolkien biopic, inspired by the absolute ruination of the characters of other famous people from other biopics. Nefarious!

Wow! by EileenAlphabet on 2013-11-28 12:10:00 UTC Reply

That is so awesome! I would probably just have gone for a zombie!Tolkien joke, which would have been in poor taste and not really funny. Yours is so much better.
That is so stupidly awesome. by World-Jumper on 2013-11-28 01:55:00 UTC Reply

I mean, this is Sharknado levels of pure, refined, badass. I imagine that one of the clones only speaks the languages of Middle-Earth, another English and other Earth-based languages, and the third is mute, having to write everything down.

You know what I want to see? I want to see at least one of the Tolkiens defend the LoTR movies (though not the Hobbit films, as they are just disgraceful). I want to see him say that it was a reasonable adaptation, and while there were some things he would have preferred stay in, he understood why they were removed and truly loves them as films. Then have one of the other clones smack him for that statement. That one would hold the part of Tolkien that refused to change a thing for the editor.

Mecha C.S. Lewis? If he is not half-lion, I will be very dissapoint.

Who should the villain be... Not Peter Jackson, that much is clear. How about...Oh, what if it was that one kid who only wrote, "In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit," for his paper? He could be trying to get revenge for never receiving the proper recognition for inspiring Mr. Tolkien in the first place. No. No that's stupid.

Still, this was pretty cool. I love it.

The kid wrote that? by Autumn_68 on 2013-11-28 05:27:00 UTC Reply

I always thought that it was Professor Tolkien, who was marking his paper, had a sudden stroke of genius and wrote that very line down. Oh well...

~Autumn

The story I remember... by World-Jumper on 2013-11-28 09:08:00 UTC Reply

...is that Professor Tolkien had the students write a story in about an hour, perhaps more, perhaps less. While most students thought about something to write about, some could not. When the kids turned in the papers, one student had only wrote a single line on the page. That line, that single line, inspired Tolkien to write more about hobbits, and the rest is history.

Of corse, I could be pulling things out of my hobbit hole. But that's good anyway. Old place could do with a good cleaning, especially with guests coming by.

I have no idea where you got that from. by Huinesoron on 2013-11-28 13:50:00 UTC Reply

It might help to note here that Tolkien wasn't marking his own students at all. To earn a bit of extra income, he took the job of marking essentially random papers over the summer. I believe he did this for quite a few years. It was one of the unused sheets from a paper he was marking that he scribbled that line on. (Interestingly, a fair amount of his manuscript work was done on exactly those spare bits of paper. Makes you wonder if he partly took the job for the office supplies...)

Ah, here we go:

"On a blank leaf I scrawled: 'In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.' I did not and do not know why." - Tolkien, letter to W.H. Auden, dated 1955

Another version:

It was on a summer’s day in the 1930s, and he was sitting by the window in his study, laboriously marking School Certificate exam papers. Years later he recalled: “One of the candidates had mercifully left one of the pages with no writing on it (which is the best thing that can possibly happen to an examiner), and I wrote on it: 'In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.' Names always generate a story in my mind. Eventually I thought I’d better find out what hobbits were like. But that’s only the beginning.” Source

hS

Ah. I see now. (nm) by Autumn_68 on 2013-11-29 02:07:00 UTC Reply

Ooh... by Autumn_68 on 2013-11-28 01:41:00 UTC Reply

I would actually love to see that get made. Tolkien-s giving a tongue-lashings about Mary-Sues? Tolkien-s lecturing the importance of not mangling the Elvish language? Tolkien-s verbally bashing plagiarists? Heck yeah, I'm in!

Go Tolkien! May justice prevail!

~Autumn

Imagine! by Valiril Erquentien on 2013-11-30 13:45:00 UTC Reply

I just thought of the Clone Tolkien trying his best to lecture in Elvish, while the Sues just go 'Eh?'

...Although, that would prove that they cannot speak Elvish. It's a win-win situation!

~VE~

Heh heh heh. by Desdendelle on 2013-11-24 08:03:00 UTC Reply

considering that's how Tolkien looked like, I'd say he looks more like a kind grandpa than a haaawt guy.

Oh! I know! by Autumn_68 on 2013-11-24 11:38:00 UTC Reply

Fan-Grandmas! Muahahahaha!

(Well...there's Twi-Moms...)

~Autumn

Thanks for making me spit-take by Sevenswans on 2013-11-25 19:04:00 UTC Reply

I'm trying to imagine my 87 year old grandmother in a fandom now.

Actually, my mom's a fan of The Hobbit, and is pretty much impossible about Dr. Seuss (notably The Grinch and The Lorax, but she owns almost every single one of his books,) so I guess I get my fannishness from her. :D

That isn't good... (nm) by Legacy on 2013-11-23 20:20:00 UTC Reply
Take heart by Sevenswans on 2013-11-23 17:17:00 UTC Reply

It's not like the movie they just did about Poe brought on a lot of historical person fic about him...

*Snuggles book of poe's short stories.*

Actually, you know what might make a great animated movie or short cartoon series? Farmer Giles of Ham. Because Tolkien did do some lighter work, after all.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FarmerGilesof_Ham

I would watch the stuffing out of that if it became a show... Actually, I made myself a stuffed animal of Chrysophylax when I was ten. :D

You may have a point. Although... by DawnFire on 2013-11-24 19:09:00 UTC Reply

...did the Charlie Chaplin one starring Robert Downey Jr. generate any (or many) fangirls? I mean, the half of it that I saw was really good, and RDJ does tend to have fangirls (see: Avengers, and probably Sherlock Holmes as well)...

~DF

Um... by Sevenswans on 2013-11-25 19:00:00 UTC Reply

Well... I haven't heard of the Charlie Chaplin movie, and I live with members of the fangirl genus, though no extremely dedicated RJD fans. (We've got Thor girls, Hiddleston girls, Whovians, and Agents of Sheild girls on my floor.) Take that news as you will.

... I dunno, I think the Sherlock Holmes movies have mostly had their fandom moved or stolen and absorbed into BBC's Sherlock. We're putting on our helmets for the January premiere of season 3, so the fandom was having a bit of a silly season all fall. :D

The possibilities... by 99Hedgehog on 2013-11-23 10:21:00 UTC Reply

...are truly horrifying.

The Emperor Guide us in this dark time...