Subject: Damn, I really have to pay more attention to names (nm)
Author:
Posted on: 2013-09-17 21:05:00 UTC
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Back in Black by
on 2013-09-17 05:32:00 UTC
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Back in black
I hit the sack
It's been too long
I'm glad to be back
Guess who? Yes, like a cat taped to a boomerang made out of bad pennies, PoorCynic has returned. Hello and greetings to all you, both newbie and old guard.
The keen-eyed amongst you might have noticed me lurking around on the IRC. I've been weighing coming back in full for a few weeks now. Not only because I've got more stories to tell (which I do) but because I've got ideas (and plans, and schemes, and scheming plans) to bolster the PPC community. Stuff like writing workshops or advice on character creation or plot development or good concrit what have you. I want to see a vibrant community full of good writers with brilliant brains.
Speaking of more stories to tell, I have one all ready in the barrel. Since my last canonical story featuring any of my agents was set in 2011 HST, I decided to jump ahead a bit and show where they are and what they're up to in the present day. Yes, all of them - Danny and Laura, Xericka and Gremlin, even Rachel Calendar and Cornelius.I do intend to go back and tell some stories that occurred in the interim, but at least for now they're all up to the present day. Check it out here. (Warning: contains adult language and violence).
Finally, if you want to check out some of the things I've been doing since I left, go check out my website Tablet Tyrant. I write and record reviews of iOS games and applications, along with the occasional attempt at an LP on the side. Check it out if you've got the time or inclination!
Now then...
*takes his place back on the PPC couch* -
Hey! Welcome back! by
on 2013-09-18 00:15:00 UTC
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Hello, PC, oh hello, PC,
It's so nice to have you back where you belong!
You look swell, PC, I can tell, PC,
You're still glowin', you're still crowin', you're still goin' strong!
Man, it's cool to have you back! Welcome back to the PPC, man! -
Huzzah! Welcome back! (spoilers) by
on 2013-09-17 20:27:00 UTC
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I am so glad to see you back, both in the sense of being your friend, and in the sense of being a super nerdy fanboy of your spinoffs!
And good to see your agents active again! But what on Earth has happened to Laura and Danny? And who is this James interloper? Nice to see Cornelius still functional as well! I like the idea of the project the DIAU and DTO are working on, as well. It opens up some interesting space to write in involving different versions of canons . . .
And now my usual round of obnoxious pointing-outs of errors!
"Danny looked at both Defresne and Whisper in turn." A mini-agent! Alas!
"'What if Solid Snake failed to stop Big Boss at Outer Heaven in the original Metal Gear?'" "Metal Gear" should be italicized, as a title.
"'Divergent timeline generation has remained relatively stable apart from a notable upswing in the Homestuck and Lord of the Rings continuums, which I doubt are related phenomena.'" Again, italicize titles. (I guess webcomic titles would get the same treatment? I don't see why not.)
"'Some, however, become truly mentally unstable to point of being dangerous to themselves or those around them.'" A missing "the."
"'Sir, aren’t there any facilities here to deal to help agents cope?'" Extra . . . there's something extra. Maybe you meant "facilities here to deal with agents trying to cope?"
"'There’s a honestly a bit of both worlds in regards to PPC partnerships.'" Extra word.
"'Look, I don’t mean to piss or your methods or anything like that . . .'" "on"
"'In a one-on-one fight between an Agent and Sue, the Sue will win almost every time.'" Personally I would say "an Agent and a Sue," to give the two concepts equal footing in the sentence. If that makes sense. >_>
"'I am a member of the PPC’s Mary Sue Division.'" "Department"
"She grabbed the agent by the collar of his duster and yanked him onto his feet before backhanding him across the face." She apparently does this while still holding a gun? I know she's a Sue, but I wasn't sure if this was intentional or not.
"'Hey, since I didn’t hear you remind me about it at the time, so why don’t we call that a failure on both our parts?'" One of these . . . I don't know the name for the kind of part-of-speech "so" and "since" are, but one of them has to go.
"'It has its days, those are far outnumbered by days where agents suddenly swap their genders around or play incredibly violent ‘sports’ in pitch dark rooms.'" Either change the comma to a semi-colon, or add "but" in front of "those."
General notes: A few of the longer sentences would read better if they had commas in them, even in cases where a comma isn't strictly necessary. It would let them flow a bit better, at least the way I read. For example, in that previous sentence, a comma after "around" would help split up the ideas and break up the sentence.
Also, you seem to waver on the length of the agent training module throughout the story. In fact, each mention of the time frame switches between two months and three months. Almost as though it were deliberate, eh? As though you were testing our proof-reading, skills, hm?
Also, what on Earth (or off it) does "FNG" stand for? -
Doh! by
on 2013-09-17 21:23:00 UTC
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Uh... yes! I'm testing your proofreading skills, obviously! It certainly wasn't bone-headed errors on both my part and the friend I had read through it! *shifty-eyes* Seriously though, thanks for pointing those errors out. Consider them corrected/amended.
FNG stands for 'F***ing New Guy.' It comes from Vietnam military slang, but you hear it around today, usually in the military or law enforcement. -
Great to see you again! {= D by
on 2013-09-17 16:29:00 UTC
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And.... oh god, I'm such a jerk. I never reviewed your Five Stages story. >.
I'm really glad you decided to come back, and with ideas to boot! It would be awesome to see a dedicated writer's-workshop sort of thing take off, and I look forward to more stories with your agents. I think the couch missed you, too. {= )
~Neshomeh -
Welcome back! (and more spoilery concrit) by
on 2013-09-17 15:21:00 UTC
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Umm. Can I say “Welcome back” when I was not even here when you were here for the last time? I only joined last month.
Anyway, this lecture is exactly how I imagine an introductory lesson for new recruits.
But are you sure that Danny always said what he intended to say? “Well, whatever happens to be available in for us three months” sounds awkward to me (I’m not a native speaker). May there one or more words be missing? Also, “There’s a honestly a bit of both worlds in regards to PPC partnerships” has an “a” too much? And there seems to be an ambiguity: two months or three months?
“Hey, since I didn’t hear you remind me about it at the time, so why don’t we call that a failure on both our parts?” may just be how Laura talks, but it doesn’t sound right to me. And I’m not sure what James meant when he said “You were about to read the charges, if’n I recall correctly”.
I liked how the lesson was interspersed with scenes that illustrated what Danny had just explained. Niece work!
Hieronymus -
Thank you! by
on 2013-09-17 19:44:00 UTC
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Thanks for pointing out the two months/three months issue. I was going back and forth on how long it should be. I settled on two, but I guess I didn't catch and replace every instance of 'three.' Consider that and the other stuff - apart from "if'n," which is just an aspect of James' Texan dialect - fixed. It's much appreciated!
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Welcome back! by
on 2013-09-17 14:03:00 UTC
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Welcome back, welcome back! Have some decidedly not carnivorous tea as a welcome-back gift. Must say I missed your advice, and I'm certainly looking forward to seeing more Xericka and Gremlin missions.
(Now-a-Corporal) Des -
Welcome back! by
on 2013-09-17 13:19:00 UTC
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It's good to see you.
I like the idea of writing workshops and the like. I will probably avail myself of them, if my schedule ever clears up.
Anyway, I will check out your story when I get a chance tonight.
-Phobos -
Welcome back! (also spoilers) by
on 2013-09-17 12:05:00 UTC
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Nice to see you around again. I think I'd just started reading Xericka and Gremlin's missions when you left, so it's good to hear that there's going to be more of them. I really like how well those two play off each other.
In celebration of your return, and because you clearly have good taste in music, have this +1 Returning Longsword - just like a D&D Returning Throwing Knife it will return to your hand in time for your next attack if thrown (although it is a bit less practical than the throwing knife version).
I really enjoyed 'FNGs and Vets', it was very interesting to see the difference in attitude between the newbies and the long-serving agents - I particularly liked Gremlin and Zericka's first lines. The assassination at the end is also probably one of my favourites, mostly for James' stoic attitude at the beginning.
I did spot a couple of little bits that might need correcting. At one point Whisper says 'Look, I don’t mean to piss or your methods or anything like that,' - I think that 'or' should have been 'on'. Also, a bit later, Agent Pittman refers to himself as a member of the 'PPC's Mary Sue Division' - should that be Department rather than Division?
So yeah, it was good fun to read, and I also think it would work really well as an intro piece for people that are new to the PPC to read. It shows a lot of what we're about, and hints at even more. Nicely done. -
Thanks for the feedback! by
on 2013-09-17 19:42:00 UTC
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As well as the sharp pointy weapon. Always useful, albeit maybe a bit less so in this case.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciate you pointing out those errors. It's so often the little things that get overlooked. Consider them fixed!
Also, mini-agent. *points at Zericka* -
Damn, I really have to pay more attention to names (nm) by
on 2013-09-17 21:05:00 UTC
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Welcome back! by
on 2013-09-17 09:39:00 UTC
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This means I'm getting more Xericka&Gremling missions. Great, those are along my favourites!
*switches fanboy mode off* Ahem, welcome back! We missed you! -
Welcome back! by
on 2013-09-17 09:36:00 UTC
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Hello there! Nice to see you hanging around again. Have a welcome-back canteen of hydrophobic water, on the house.
You haven't missed much: just a couple of missions and a load of future!AUs. Speaking of which, I strongly suggest reading Phobos' Catastrophe Theory series, which is nothing short of awesome. You might also be interested in hS' Door From the Future RP, the in-universe followup to that, and the Irish Samurai's The Wrong Trousers, which is based on Huinesoron's future.
Cheers!