Re: Time out! Please read this!

Subject: Re: Time out! Please read this!
Author: AdmiralSakai
Posted on: 2013-08-29 22:00:00 UTC

Let's see... if I were to make my criticism constructive, I'd suggest first off explaining what a Mary Sue is and why they are bad, with the appropriate links to litmus tests, well-developed characters, etc. I'd also suggest that the author has a decent enough job of describing things, but that she needs to spread it around a bit more appropriately to convey the right amount of relevance. It IS good that Elliot seems to have a normal family life and isn't too imperious, but if the folks aren't going to be relevant later on, I'd suggest not including them (maybe put the beginning scene on the Hogwarts Express, so she can still interact with her brother, and relegate the events at home to just "my letter was delayed. By the time it finally came, I was wondering if Hogwarts was even interested in me." or something like that. That, and some of the phrasing is awkward, but that's easy to change in a drafting process. The... many... ellipses and sort of backwards-seeming dialogue attribution I'd actually keep in- with more practice, and as long as the author worked to stretch her wings a little and use structures OTHER than those, it could develop into a distinctive personal style without being distracting.

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Mary Sue Alert by KittyEden on 2013-08-29 13:31:00 UTC Reply

www.fanfiction.net/s/9640716/1

Another badfic update by hermione of vulcan on 2013-08-29 18:42:00 UTC Reply

For those of us following THE NEW GIRL on Voyager, there are quite a few new chapters since it was last reported to the Board. I don't remember how many, so here's the first chapter: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7089561/1/THE-NEW-GIRL-on-Voyager

And some Bleepolate. As one to the reviewers said "Half the fun of reading is deciphering what exactly people are saying, right?"

Re: Another badfic update by AdmiralSakai on 2013-08-30 22:57:00 UTC Reply

Trollfic. Has to be. "Calf hanger", "pooped a bubble", " WE WILL ASSIMILATE HARRY KIM"... Some of the goofs are just a little bit too convenient...

Although of course, I may be wrong... stranger things have happened...

And I steadfastly maintain... by hermione of vulcan on 2013-08-31 15:09:00 UTC Reply

It is not. My sister and I checked the author's profile with the author's notes of a chapter posted at the same time and the information matches up too closely for it to be a troll putting random crap together. Here it is:

From the author's note in chapter twelve - sorry i ditched u guys for so long,, i visited my bro he just move in buffalo and i spent lots of tim at the waldin galleria witch is a WAY better mall then we have in canada, they even have a dsw and also a maceys and a cheese cake factorey! i cold totally live at that mall! also i saw the sabres but they lost.

From the author's profile - I got 2 yonger brother and 2 sister and also way older brother she has a wife from flordia and they got maried 2 and a hlaf years ago and they live just over the river in buffalo new york near the walden galeria (the big mall) so i go there for cheese cake factory

She updated her profile and that chapter within the same time frame.

Also, there's a recurring theme through the fic of her being a "good Christian girl" who doesn't hang out with boys, and on her profile she has links to blogs that a quick search confirms support that idea.

She also has a cousin on fanfiction.net, which means one of two things.
1. One person can set up two accounts on fanfiction.net and the troll has gone to the effort of doing it for no purpose whatsoever - their co-written fic isn't being updated and while still bad, doesn't look troll-like.

or

2. "Shaundrah" and "Amy" are real people.

Either the troll is really dedicated, or this is actually for real. Both are actually kind of scary, though.

Thus a question is raised by son_of_heaven176 on 2013-08-31 19:49:00 UTC Reply

(aside from the obvious "Why wasn't this posted as a reply to my post?")

Assuming arguendo that the author is not a troll (and it is starting to look that way), WHY doesn't she listen to her reviewers? It's not like she hasn't been told nicely that her spelling needs work. Perhaps she has something against using spellcheck/consulting a beta? From the looks of the co-written fic, it seems that the cousin at least has a grasp on the mechanics of writing in English; our Suethor could have at the very least consulted her to make the atrocious spelling go away.

As I mentioned before, this level of ineptitude requires a special type of stubbornness.

As you mentioned, either scenario is kind of scary.

Re: Thus a question is raised by AdmiralSakai on 2013-08-31 22:21:00 UTC Reply

Maybe she's just lazy. I know how it feels to want to push through a story and write the really cool climax... whatever... and not have to deal with the boring but necessary leadin. Maybe she wants to cut corners on proofreading and such to expedite the process?

But really, even if I just tpa msadkly at my keyboard and throw formatting to the wind, I don't make nearly that many errors...

Believe me, by son_of_heaven176 on 2013-08-31 07:01:00 UTC Reply

you're not the only one to believe that the author is a troll. I cannot fathom it being otherwise.

Re: Another badfic update by AdmiralSakai on 2013-08-30 15:48:00 UTC Reply

This is exquisite... I'm still trying to imagine what "crab rain goons" would end up looking like..
Long badfic is long by son_of_heaven176 on 2013-08-29 23:14:00 UTC Reply

Are you waiting until the badfic is over to spork it? I'm asking because there are bleepfic reports that do not go all the way to the end of the fic (I believe 'Ring Child' is of that sort), and given how long this fic is going, your agents should have amassed more than enough charges!

Or does the PPC not spork fics until they are complete/the author stops writing?

I'm waiting because... by hermione of vulcan on 2013-08-30 00:00:00 UTC Reply

I had it planned as my second or third mission, but my first has hit some snags and I want to work them out first.

I might change that, though. Get to this one before it turns into more of a My Immortal than it is...

I'm also keeping an eye. by Cyba Zero on 2013-08-30 11:24:00 UTC Reply

I have a link to it that I check periodically. It certainly qualifies as a Bleepfic, possibly contending for Legendary if enough people remember it. So, when the mission comes, it needs to be one to remember. I'm not sure just what type of end would be fitting for this 'Sue - but something that involves showing her what some of the OOC characters are actually like might be in order (there isn't exactly a lack of OOC characters to choose from...).

I really want to see this thing noted as a Legendary Badfic; it is just *that* painful.

Re: OOC Characters by hermione of vulcan on 2013-08-31 15:21:00 UTC Reply

Which characters do you think are character replaced? All of them are OOC, but they aren't all gone. For example, Harry has a canonical history of falling for the wrong people, so falling for a Mary Sue isn't too OOC.

I think Seven, because she's gone completely evil, Naomi, because she's been aged and personality changed beyond all recognition, Q Junior, because he's a powerful being and very OOC, and maybe Chakotay, because he's been de-aged. Vorik - for the one chapter he appears - could be possessed. Everyone else is just character ruptured - except for Tuvok, who feels obligated to state that something is logical or illogical every line because he's clinging to the logic by his fingernails.

I'm not sure how to kill her either - in the early chapters, I was planning to strangle her with Red Vines, because she seems to have a strange obsession with them, but she backed off of that and now it doesn't seem appropriate.

And I'm still not sure what to do with my agents anyway.

Re: OOC Characters by Cyba Zero on 2013-09-02 12:11:00 UTC Reply

Evil!Seven is definitely a replacement, and I can't really judge the likes of Q Junior or Naomi because I don't know their characters well enough.

The Borg Queen could be debated between replaced and ruptured, depending on whether you counted her actual appearance (very much ruptured, but not quite replaced) or the behaviour of the rest of the Collective (particularly Seven, although there is also debate about whether she is connected or not).

I agree that the rest would be a case of ruptured/possessed.

I trhink I'll spork it... by AdmiralSakai on 2013-08-29 18:29:00 UTC Reply

First sporking, good thing it's a short fic!

Elliot gave sighed walking into her old pink bedroom [Have I mentioned recently that I do NOT LIKE PINK? I suppose that as a color it has its uses, but whenever I see it I just think of Pepto-Bismol and Victoria's Secret and... ugh]that had white lace curtains with pink flowers, and the furniture made of oak [THE furniture made of oak? She has ALL of it? Must be a pretty big room.]. She lived with her muggle mother and pure-blood father, along with her older brother Anthony. Anthony was in his fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Elliot was eleven and hadn't gotten her invitation to Hogwarts. Her long brown hair sat perfectly behind her shoulder [None on her head, just behind her shoulder]. "Elliot I'm sorry you haven't gotten your letter yet..." Anthony said entering the bedroom slowly. "Maybe I'm just not Hogwarts material.." Elliot murmured, Anthony sighed and ran his hand through his wavy brown hair "You've still got a whole week" he said.

"Hey... Elliot, Anthony come down for a minute" Elliot heard her mother call, "Hey maybe that's your Hogwarts invitation..." Anthony suggested pointing out the door "Doubt it..." [Yeah, Hogwards usually doesn't send prospective students a DOOR.]Elliot muttered before walking out the door and down the stairs. Anthony followed his sister down the stairs until they saw their father holding an envelope. Elliot stopped in her tracks "Is that my-", "Yes... I believe it is..." her father answered. Elliot skipped over and grabbed the envelope and read it out.[She can read letters just by analyzing the envelope? She IS a wizard!]

HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore

(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,

Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

Dear Ms Phantom,[Phantom? PHANTOM!?!?!]

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress

[blah, blah, copypasting blah]

Elliot's eyes filled with happiness [Sounds painful. They should definitely just be filled with vitreous humor.]; "Finally!" she squealed, "I wander what house you'll be sorted into... [Well, if she just sort of wanders into one I don't really see the point in speculating...]"Anthony said walking towards Elliot." Let's hope you get sorted into Griffindor like your father and Anthony" her mother said as she dried a plate.[She wasn't doing dishes or anything like that, she's just drying a plate.] "Maybe!" Elliot said rereading the letter over and over again. [Will we EVER see Elliot Phantom's family again? More importantly, would we remember them if we did?]

Re: I trhink I'll spork it... by Falcon7974 on 2013-08-29 19:31:00 UTC Reply

I'd be half tempted to put the author on notice if we could. Let him/her know the PPC is watching and ready to move in if the sue goes full blown.

Time out! Please read this! by Phobos on 2013-08-29 19:52:00 UTC Reply

First off, Falcon, I know you added the "if we could" in there, so you realize that this is a bad idea. However, other people will see it and not take the time to think before they do it. So this is more for them than it is for you.

We are not the fandom police. We do not "put the author on notice" and we do not keep tabs on people or threaten to "move in" if they cross an invisible line. We have had people do this in the past and it always ends poorly.

So don't do it. Ever.

-Phobos, nipping it in the bud

Re: Time out! Please read this! by AdmiralSakai on 2013-08-29 22:00:00 UTC Reply

Let's see... if I were to make my criticism constructive, I'd suggest first off explaining what a Mary Sue is and why they are bad, with the appropriate links to litmus tests, well-developed characters, etc. I'd also suggest that the author has a decent enough job of describing things, but that she needs to spread it around a bit more appropriately to convey the right amount of relevance. It IS good that Elliot seems to have a normal family life and isn't too imperious, but if the folks aren't going to be relevant later on, I'd suggest not including them (maybe put the beginning scene on the Hogwarts Express, so she can still interact with her brother, and relegate the events at home to just "my letter was delayed. By the time it finally came, I was wondering if Hogwarts was even interested in me." or something like that. That, and some of the phrasing is awkward, but that's easy to change in a drafting process. The... many... ellipses and sort of backwards-seeming dialogue attribution I'd actually keep in- with more practice, and as long as the author worked to stretch her wings a little and use structures OTHER than those, it could develop into a distinctive personal style without being distracting.

Yeah, please don't. by Neshomeh on 2013-08-29 19:47:00 UTC Reply

It cannot be stressed enough that we are not fandom police and we are not "watching." People have every right to make bad fanfic without some stranger using the PPC to threaten them over it. That is really, really not cool and not something we do.

Constructive criticism, on the other hand, is something we do! If you really care to see the story improve rather than get worse, why not try giving the author some nice, polite concrit? Then you can even say you're from the PPC without making us all look like a bunch of awful, creepy stalkers.

~Neshomeh

And this is why I usually check before I post. (nm) by Phobos on 2013-08-29 19:55:00 UTC Reply

I think our posts complement each other. {= ) (nm) by Neshomeh on 2013-08-29 19:59:00 UTC Reply

Re: Mary Sue Alert by Green Armada on 2013-08-29 18:07:00 UTC Reply

*Shudders*
The punctuation is alright, I guess (I have seem worse), but the...perfectness, for a lack of terminology, is horrible.
Since when do main characters become porcelain dolls?
Re: Mary Sue Alert by AdmiralSakai on 2013-08-29 13:57:00 UTC Reply

Lessee here... typographical abominations;... sporadic bouts of description;... an orphaned punctuation mark or two;... bland characters who will likely become 100% irrelevant;... *gak*... *shudder*... PRINCESSES!;... and a significant... overpopulation... of... the common... ellipsis.

It's hard to tell from just one chapter, but I think we have a bit of a doozy on our hands.