Subject: First Mission and co-write!
Author:
Posted on: 2015-08-02 21:49:00 UTC
Greetings ladies and gentlemen... and everything in between!
Here's Edhelistar's first mission, and one more co-write from SkarmorySilver.
What happens when you insert in a The Incredibles badfic, a badly written Batman with a superiority complex? Well, you get a KnightFail!
Enjoy fellow Boarders!
... The girl turned to see the blue-eyed blonde woman that was her psychiatrist.
“So, Solvig, what have you learned today?” she said.
I became a bit confused here. Yes, the psychiatrist is the last female character mentioned, and there is a paragraph break. But to me it still looked like ‘supergirl’ is speaking and Solvig is the psychiatrist’s name. I had to think about it before I realized what’s going on.
She shrugged and put the feather back in the bag, then takes out a piece of paper.
Tense shift.
After a while of walking, she arrived at a Response Center door, compared the numbers and sighed when realized that wasn’t the same, then double checked.
Missing words?
Your angel partner acted like a total pervert, and then some DIA guy tried to beat up him ...
Shouldn’t this be "beat him up"? Or is this just how Solvig speaks?
Yuuna smacked her in back of the head.
Missing word?
... the agents soon found themselves in in the Parr’s living room ...
Paging the Repetitive Department of Repetition.
Dash smiled back her.
Missing word?
... something’s may show up there.
Is this meant to be plural?
... where they barely could see their hands in front their face.
Missing word? And I think "their faces" should be plural.
Once the the alarm was triggered ...
Repetitively paging the Repetitive Department of Repetition.
When they have finally arrived to the shore, Solvig turned to them ...
Tense shift. Also, I’m not sure whether that should be "arrived at the shore".
Something tells me that relationship may just a teeny bit strained ...
Missing word? Or is this how Feratu speaks?
Luckily, her impact-resistant frame gave her enough time to recover and scramble out of the way before the rocks fell on top of him.
Shouldn’t this be "her"?
Batboy set off another smoke bomb tried then to escape in another direction ...
Missing word(s) and/or punctuation? (There goes my promise.)
... Meta-Man released the structure his grip ...
Missing word?
Solvig walked to her, covered in a blanket she took out from her bag.
I assume that Solvig "had taken" (past perfect) the blanket out from her bag before she was covered in it.
When she read it, her eyes opened wide, and said, “What? ...
Her eyes said that? (Missing word?)
Also, I like the idea of giving Batman a sibling or other family; lot of opportunity for drama and character development there.
I think that should be either "lots" or "a lot", but I may be wrong.
... as long it makes sense within that universe.
Missing word?
Huh, that was long, and I probably didn’t get half of the references. But I enjoyed it anyway. And I liked #TheDress.
HG
1.- Clarified.
2.- Fixed.
3.- Added both missing words in that sentence. (Yes, I noticed there was another one besides the one marked.)
4.- Nope, she doesn't speak like that. Fixed.
5.- Added missing word.
6.- Fixed
7.- Added missing word.
8.- No, it wasn't supposed to be a plural, in fact, I have no idea how it got there. Fixed.
9.- Added missing word and 'face' got pluralized (is this even a word?).
10.- Fixed.
11.- Fixed the tense shift. I don't know either, but I'm playing safe and changing it for 'at'.
12.- Added missing word.
13.- I'm not sure either, maybe SkarmorySlver could clarify it.
14.- It's actually missing punctuation and misplaced word. Fixed both.
15.- Yup, you have assumed correctly. Fixed.
16.- Added the missing word. Though, it would have worked metaphorically, that wasn't the intention.
17.- Mmm... weird, I had written 'lots' originally. Someone must've changed it and I didn't notice. Returned it to the original.
18.- Uh... I find nothing missing in this one. As long it makes sense, I think I will leave it like that.
Thanks again for your concrit, and glad you enjoyed the mission! :D
Those rocks fell on Not!Xerek, not Sarah, so I clarified that, too. Thanks for enjoying the mission!
That's what I thought for the last one. But I'm not a native speaker and don't know whether your phrase is also valid.
HG
...'cuz I'm not a native speaker either.
The phrase is "as long as it makes sense," with two ases. It's pretty much the same as phrases like "as long as it is wide." You're basically drawing a comparison between two concepts, though in this case it's a little more abstract: my acceptance of your AU changes exists to the same extent that said changes make sense.
Does that make sense? ^_^;
~Neshomeh
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Seriously, it's awesome, and it's free, too. Well, there's both a free version and a premium one, but the free version suffices for me. It's saved my computer from unwanted software way too many times to count.