Or not so new. Oh, by the way, I'm glad to know I'm not the only "Lurker for two years until I decided to join in on the fun" around here.
Have this Beast From Below hat! Don't put it on, though, it will eat your face.

Welcome to the board and here is a Beep Blue Light Pen.

Have this replica of The One Ring that summons a random canonical Elf, Dwarf, Vulcan or Klingon to your aid when you're in danger, while you wear it.

Here's your starter pokeyman!

Iiiiiiiiit's Tentacool!

And your starting item!

Repulsion Armour from Risk Of Rain!

Equip it to your Tentacool and it'll function similarly to an Assault Vest, only this time it boosts your Defence stat instead of Special Defence and there's a 1 in 6 chance to deal 50% recoil damage to your opponent if you get hit by a move that makes contact. Fun! =]

Nice to meet you, there. ^^
Hope you're doing well/will do well in future!

Here, have this SACRED COOKIE OF INFINITE KNOWLEDGE!!! (: :) You will be omniscient as long as you eat it.

Anyway, glad to have you on Board :D

Also, there's nothing wrong with being a TF2 fan. It's a great game with an astounding sense of humor. (Also a bit like the PPC in that almost everyone is insane and no one takes themselves/others too seriously.) Own your fandom and no one else can use it to hurt you.

With that being said, here's a box of popcorn to eat while you read the Original Series and a butcher knife spare Flying Guillotine for use against Mary Sues! >:)

Don't worry about being bland or boring - we'll love you all the same, I'm sure, and you don't seem like it at all! For your newbie gift... hmm. Here, have this Strange Stuffed Archimedes. Don't worry, not a real dove - the Medic sells these on occasion! ...at least I HOPE it's not real...

You know, I was actually kind of similar! I knew of the PPC and obsessively read the wiki for a while before I actually posted.. About a week ago, I think? Maybe closer to two. Anyway, don't be nervous! This is one of the nicest corners of the Internet. Have an wilver sailboat in a bottle!

Have this cup of very good Earl Grey tea. No, the leaves are not going to eat you, why are you looking at me like that?

It's always nice to have more newbies in the forum!

Hey there, and welcome aBoard! For you newbie gift, take this barking squirrel! If the urple bow around its neck becomes too much, feel free to remove it. ;)

And YES, another Star trek and Firefly fan! You ever watch Doctor Who?

I'll point you to the Original Series and the Constitution, but other than that, I really have nothing else to say than hope you like it here!

IT'S AN INVASION! RUUUUUUUUN!

In all of our very small amount of seriousness, welcome! And have a generic newbie gift. Give it a description, and it can be whatever you want! Trust me, your introduction post is far more interesting than mine was. Paraphrasing, mine was, "Hi, I'm new, is this what I'm supposed to do?"

That seems to be the appropriate response to your username, right? XD

Anyway, welcome aboard! Have one of my own shed feathers, a bulletproof vest made from mithril mail, and a working replica of the Spy's knife!

Have a shovel enchanted with Ice Saber! Smack something you don't like with it, and it turns into an adorable little snowman!