Subject: My favorite book from my childhood
Author:
Posted on: 2015-04-19 00:17:00 UTC
This may cause some controversy, so sorry in advance.
I personally liked the stories of the Bible. The Old Testament, in particular, was what seems to me today like a very big story that runs off itself. Of course, I see it that way because my College requires that I study the Bible, but at the time of my childhood, I still loved it.
There's the story of the Garden of Eden, where the serpent lies to Adam and Eve about the fruit (which, as I learned, contrary to popular belief, was probably not an apple). And what's a good story without a good Curse?
Then there was the story of Cain and Able, who were most definitely not very good sibling role models. Well, Cain wasn't, but you could argue that a dead man isn't a good role model either.
After that was the story of Noah and the Ark. Whether you're a Christian or not, this story is a good example of how, in the words of my late grandfather, "not to take no s*** from nobody."
There was the story of the Tower of Babel. I will never look at John Lennon's "Imagine" the same way ever again. (Hippie) Sorry, I just don't trust hippies very much. One stole my wallet.
After that was Abraham, who was ready to make the sacrifice of his own son, despite the fact that he was his only son, and despite the fact that God promised to make his line into a great nation. If you ever want to brush up on suspense, try the story of Abraham almost sacrificing his son Isaac. (Not that I'm suggesting that EVERYONE read the Bible. I mean, you can if you want to, but I'm not going to make anyone do anything.)
Then there was the story of the life of Jacob. Interestingly enough, "Jacob" or Ya'aqov, in Hebrew, means, more or less, "liar." That doesn't really sound politically correct, does it? That the father of the Twleve Tribes of Israel, and therefore the Jews, is named "liar?" I'm not saying anything anti-Semitic at all, I swear. I'm just stating the facts. (If this is an example of the Laws of Cosmic Irony, then it's a rather offensive one, to the culturally sensitive, sort of like myself, I guess.)
After that is the story of Joseph and the coat of many colors. Who knows? Maybe the coat was tie-dyed. (I still don't trust the hippie movement. *hides wallet*) Interestingly enough for the story of Moses, Joseph was the one who built what Moses wanted to break apart.
The story of Moses was an interesting one. To start with, Moses was a killer. He killed a man, "with this thumb". (Reference!) Then he comes back to tell Pharaoh to screw off the Jews, despite the fact that Moses had a speech impediment of some kind. Then he did the Ten Plagues, and whupped Pharaoh's butt. Then after that, he had to deal with the whining people he had just saved. (You'd think that God's chosen people would have been more appreciative, but I'm saying this in hindsight, so...) Then Moses brought the Ten Commandments, and- And this is what most people don't know. Moses actually BROKE the Ten Commandments. By smashing the tablets in a fit of anger. Long day at work, I guess.
Then there was the story of Joshua. It's not just a story about walking around Jericho until it fell down. His story is a story about spies, and prostitutes (*insert Lil' Jon "YAYAH!" here*), and freaking GIANTS, and the simultaneous circumsion of an entire arm- eh, never mind...
After that was the gruesome Book of Judges. People get gang raped, children get burned alive, and an entire army of Philistines get slaughtered by a single man with the jawbone of a donkey. In the last case, I'm talking about Samson. A Canon Sue? I think he was. He was a jerk, he was uncouth, he was sexist, he was bitter, and he died seeking revenge. But if he were from the Lord of the Rings, Samson would have been on Jay and Acacia's hit list, no doubt about it.
Then there was the extremely depressing story of Job, but I won't go into that. We want happy thoughts here. (Despite what I have already brought to the table.)
Then comes a story that, even if you don't believe the Bible, is a very good story, if for no other reason than that it has a bad guy, a good guy who becomes what the bad guy should have been, and a freaking GIANT! David. Yeah, his is a great story, and it starts with King Saul. Saul was a great military leader, he was a hunk, and he was a political compromiser. He wanted everyone to feel happy. But he screwed up, so God decided that David should be king. David comes on the radar when he kills Goliath, a towering showoff who turns out was all show and no... No nothing, actually. He was beaten by a child who threw rocks at him. Come to think of it, Goliath kinda sucked. Anyway, David is the new superstar, and Saul feels threatened by this, and tries to have David killed. But David goes into hiding, and Saul is killed in battle with the Philistines.
David's son Solomon was an interesting character. He would probably not be on the list of Canon Sues of the Bible, despite his supposedly being one of the wisest men in history. (To all you ladies reading this, notice that I said "wisest man" in history. Gender equality, am I right?) Unfortunately for "the wisest man in history," he made some very stupid mistakes. He had I think seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines! I know, right? Imagine the reality TV show that would create. (*shudder*) But Solomon then gets clinically depressed, and gets in real deep to theology and the philosophy of being happy, and lots and lots of existential stuff that it isn't my place to explain without stepping into "I'm preaching a sermon" territory. And I have a responsibility not to do that here, because not everyone agrees with my views. This isn't about existential theology, it's about a good story. Or in my case, a lot of them.
Then came the Prophets. Oh boy, the Prophets. First of all, according to my Old Testament professor, these guys only showed up when people were screwing up pretty badly, so this is the point where stuff starts to get "good," to use a subjective term in regards to storytelling.
The most famous of the Prophets among the children of the church is Jonah, who was, according to the story, eaten by a fish and spat back out at Nineveh when he tried to avoid going there to preach. (Cosmic Irony strikes again!) The smell was probably pretty bad, but hey! At least he got a free ride, right? But Jonah was kind of a whiner.
- Jonah: "I don't want to go to Nineveh! I don't wanna go to Nineveh!"
- God: "Go to Nineveh."
- Jonah: "I don't wanna eat my peas!"
- God: "Jonah, eat your peas."
Then came a lot of other prophets who had hard to pronounce names, but they worked in the time that led up to the split of Israel into Israel and Judah.
Oh, I forgot to mention my favorite prophet.
Nobody knows his real name. Nobody knows where he came from. He couldn't read. He couldn't write. He didn't bathe, and he never knew how to use a comb or a razor. He never lived in a house in his life, and he ate grasshoppers. He was called a mad man, and these claims weren't altogether unsubstantiated. He called himself Elijah. He challenged the King of Israel, who succumbed to the peer pressure of his wife Jezebel, and began worshipping Baal. Elijah challenged the Baal prophets to a game of sorts, and set the date and set the rules of the game. The Baal prophets would pray to Baal, and Elijah would pray to God. If Baal set his altar on fire, then he was real. If God set his altar on fire, then He was real. But instead of going at the same time, Elijah waited for the Baal prophets. He laughed at them, insulted them, and got all snarky and sarcastic with them. Eventually, the Baal prophets began cutting themselves to get Baal's attention. (By the way, if there are any cutters reading this, know that we are here for you.) Then it was Elijah's turn. He was so confident that he actually poured three large jars of water on his altar. According top the story, God not only managed to set it on fire, but he disintegrated it. Marvin the Martian wants that weapon, and he wants to point it at our planet.
Eventually, Israel and Judah both get carried away into captivity in Babylon and Assyria. This doesn't last though, and the Jews return home. But things aren't the same anymore, and the Old Testament ends.
Now, I want to reiterate something very important. I am NOT here to evangelize to anyone. I'm not here to preach. All I'm saying is that the Bible has a healthy variety of fascinating stories. As a child, I had to read these stories. And I enjoyed them. I didn't understand the existential theological and philosophical implications of the Bible, and I didn't understand some of the big words, but I understood that these were good stories. My personal favorites were the stories of Moses the killer-turned-leader, Elijah the madman prophet, and David the king. From story telling standpoints, these could all be used to make some very great variations, and I believe that even secular people would enjoy them. Just my opinion, but still...
Now, if I could find a Quran to read, I may say something similar about the stories I find in there. I don't know, because I have never read the Quran. I would try to say the same thing about an Atheist work of literature, but I'm taking Biology here in college, and it's really not my favorite class. Okay, I'll admit that that may have been bad taste to say that about Atheists, because there are Atheists who are not Biologists. After all, Mark Twain was an Atheist. John Milton was an Atheist. Jason Aaron, a guy who wrote for Marvel Comics, was an Atheist. So I guess Marvel Comics could be a reasonable example of Atheist literature, and one that they can be proud of and be given credit for, even by us Christians. Credit where credit's due. Thank you, Atheists.
I'm floundering here. Just trying to avoid controversy. I promise that I am not trying to offend anyone, and I'm not trying to provoke a conversation about religion, or philosophy, or anything like that. That would be SERIOUS BUSINESS, and we don't like that here.
I'm gonna shut up now before I make things worse for myself.
Thanks for listening and understanding what I'm getting at here (hopefully).
Dark Brother 16