Subject: I'll fix those now. :)
Author:
Posted on: 2015-04-09 21:51:00 UTC
Though the last may take a little bit.
Subject: I'll fix those now. :)
Author:
Posted on: 2015-04-09 21:51:00 UTC
Though the last may take a little bit.
In which Alloy is not very good at not being a pushover. At least she's getting a bit better at it.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WiUS9BqX7s4eAi6uucLEfnLdHmrnLDqZdprubEV0Es/edit?usp=docslistapi
I'm catching up after a quite busy week. So, what's to say? I like Ginger and Alloy's banter. There are only two minor issues at the beginning and the end of the interlude:
Ginger had just finished rolling the metal club in plain brown wrapping paper when it rolled onto her fingers, and Ginger swore at it viciously.
I'm not a native speaker, and I can't tell exactly what feels wrong here. It may by the repetitiveness of “rolling” and “rolled”. Maybe “Ginger had just finished wrapping the metal club in plain brown paper when it rolled onto her fingers...” would work better.
"Can I read my book now?"
I remember that Alloy apparently intended to read Guards! Guards! when Ginger distracted her with the wrapped present, but somehow Alloy asking this question now feels still wrong. The reason is probably that it doesn't fit the situation, because Alloy was the one who didn't shut up. A statement like “I will read my book now” may work better.
Speaking about something different:
If I didn't remember your Permission request, it would be a bit disconcerting that the first mission starts with “the newly-renamed Alloy“, and now the agents talk about the renaming, but new readers didn't see the event. It would be nice if you made your Recruiting prompt an interlude and linked it before the first mission on Alloy and Ginger's pages.
HG
Though the last may take a little bit.