Subject: Thirty Hs never fails to make me giggle.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-03-30 23:19:00 UTC
If only due to the sheer absurdity of it all. I mean, groinsaws? Moonbases that aren't on moons? Guitars named F*ckslayer? Dumblecop with cursed mummy armor and a leg made out of pistols that he uses to kick planets in half? Vampire cavemen on Mars? You can't get much more hysterical than that.
I'd like a short synopsis, plus a link, if you have one, to the worst badfic you have ever seen. Just a little way to let off some steam, you know? It doesn't even have to be NSFW/NSFB, just bad. Of course, if your most hated fic happens to be those things, don't hesitate to post!
Now, to reward you all for doing this, I dug this up. Enjoy! (Prototype goodfic involving kittens.)
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6360997/1/Mittens
Sounds like I have some new things to read, if I'm ever overcome with morbid curiosity. Which is quite often, sadly.
Well, I have read a lot of bad fanfic before. Sadly, the worst I have ever read no longer exists. Here is the basic rundown:
A Red and Black Alicorn OC (tm) becomes such after making a deal with the Devil. No, not some pony Devil, our Devil. He broke through the Fourth Wall, and came to our world, summoned Satan, and became a demon. Sort of. In reality, he has a demon trapped in his hooves. No, this is not a metaphor. It is quite literally trapped in his hooves.
So, now with a massive gash in time and space, religion comes to Equestria. Satanism and Christianity to be precise. Absolutely no other religions come over. At all. Now because of Christanity coming to Equestria, same sex marriage is banned in most places except Ponyville. Because. Reasons. Also, modern military weapons and tactics come to Equestria and they are now at war with:
a. griffons
b. changelings
c. another pony race
If you guessed a, NO DUH! It's always the griffons!
So, Gary Stu is a Modern Major General, who threatens to gut people with his katana if they misbehave. He is the most skilled swordsman ever in pony history. His katana was his cutie mark before his deal with the devil. Now it has 666 behind it.
Oh, this is all just beginning though! Turns out Pinkie is possessed by a demon. You get one guess as for what demon!Pinkie does. If it was anything other then make Cupecakes, you do not know MLP badfic. Turns out, ponies know she kills ponies and makes them into baked goods! It's OK! That's. Just. Pinkie!
No, let me rant some more. Those three words are used everywhere. Gary Stu hunts down Pinkamena, but most ponies don't see it as demonic possession. They see it as Pinkie just being Pinkie! Yep, crazy Pinkie Pie, always throwing parties, making balloons appear out of nowhere, and killing ponies to eat! That's just her, you know!?
And Gary Stu, oh, Gary Stu has the seventh Element of Harmony. Whoda think, there was another one. Turns out, element number seven, the mission element that represents an aspect of Friendship amongst others? DARKNESS! Because that's what we need!
This fic is one of the worst, on so many levels. The Stu is so OP he makes Rose Potter look weak, the religion bashing is over the top, almost every character is OOC, and it tries so hard to be funny but it just FAILS!
Reading back over this, this is just a huge rambling rant on my part. I am going to leave it the way it is. I hate this fic. Yet, at the same time, I wish it was still around. It was perfect mission material, and not because of how much I hate it. I saw so many gags, moments for character interaction, exploring how Pinkamena could exist after the Cupcakes mission, just... So many wonderful things to mission in here. But now, it is gone. I still have a copy. Perhaps, if I get very bored, I might mission it anyway, for myself. It is such a shame you all will never be able to read the worst fic I ever read:
Pinkamena, the Pink Shadow.
That's definitely some epic mission material right there. I hope someone has a copy or backup of this 'fic somewhere.
And it really is prime mission material. It was like some unholy mixture of every single bad MLPfic trope, brewed in the deepest darkest parts of the Pit. It was like the author looked at a list of what not to do in fanfiction, and used it as a checklist! PC, I can feel you glaring disapprovingly, but I swear, I'm not just saying this out of anger. I had so many gags, exploration of characters and themes, everything! It was going to be epic! But...
Well, it was deleted. And it's just darn rude to mission a fic that was taken down for a reason, you know? Still...
I am leaning towards not missioning it, or if I do, keeping it private. For now, I have to get My Little Unicorn finished first. Which, speaking of horrid fanfic... Ah, another day.
Now that right there was a nice rant. I hope you spork that thing someday, because it certainly sounds like mission material!
Like, for example, the fact that Gary Stu marries Twilight Sparkle, despite her friends all saying he is a bad influence, and how (I think, can't quite remember) HE HITS HER!
Or how Gary Stu wants to kill Celestia, because LUNA IS DA BEST ERMAGURD LUNA LUUUUNA!!! he is evilz, brah.
Or how Gary Stu is an alicorn but HATES being called one. It really rustles his jimmies.
Or the fact he calls "going into a murderous rampage because people pointed out I have wings and a horn," rustling his jimmies.
Or the fact others call his rampages "rustled jimmies."
Or the fact I'm still talking about rustled jimmies!
Or how Gary Stu was The Doctor's companion, because. Reasons.
Or how Celestia is totally OK with literal spawns of Satan living among her people and marrying her favorite student!
Or how Devil Worship is totally allowed and totally cool, yo.
There are more reasons why this fic sucks, but I think I'm going to stop there. If I don't, I'm just going to end up writing a full charge list on the Board. And nobody wants that.
MLU first, though. Need to get that done. Then, perhaps, I take on the Pink Shadow.
I mean, I practically have a charge list already! I mean, it's going to be twice as long, but I have half of it already, right? That counts for something.
By the way, MFW I read this thing:
For I have never read anything truly horrific or disgusting, that wasn't intended to be.
I've read confusing ones, like My Immortal and HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, but nothing that was just soul-sucking "Oh my god, who would DO this!?" bad.
I take the Legendary Badfic warnings at face value. The most masochistic I get is playing stupidly hard video games. And eating food so spicy that I temporarily lose my sense of taste.
If only due to the sheer absurdity of it all. I mean, groinsaws? Moonbases that aren't on moons? Guitars named F*ckslayer? Dumblecop with cursed mummy armor and a leg made out of pistols that he uses to kick planets in half? Vampire cavemen on Mars? You can't get much more hysterical than that.
That author knew exactly what (s)he was doing.
Because Thirty Hs was so far beyond simple crackfic that it roasted my brain in a good way. If that's possible. Seriously, that is my favourite fic!
but the original 'fic is no longer accessible. Google "PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP" or "29 P's".
Basically Cupcakes, but with Gravity Falls characters.
There's a rather infuriating Doctor Who one I'm planning on tackling for my next mission. Basically, when Rose looks into the Time Vortex, the TARDIS turns her into a Time Lady and the Doctor's "bonded mate". Three guesses what they had to do to complete the bond.
At least you gave me something giggleworthy to think about while I spork that scene. :)
I could have made a Walk the Dinosaur joke.
I've read so many. I mean, I think we can all agree that My Immortal wins the award for worst on a technical level, y'know SPaG and stuff, but I think Sweet Apple Massacre is the one that made me cringe the most. I'm not linking it, because that would require to go look for it again, but a short synopsis is that it's a MLP fic where Big Mac does VERY BAD THINGS to the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Seeing as they're all, you know, kind of interchangeable?
There's this one, which I had mentioned before, and it's among the worst fics I've actually read. WARNING: NSFB, both literally and figuratively.
I think I'm gonna claim it, though I don't really know how I'll hide my agents (well, not exactly agents at the time, but SPOILERS) in a well-lit small room with a Character Replacement.
Seriously, I found this one back when it was first posted! One of my brony friends showed it to me. They couldn't even get through it all.
I mean I only read Cupcakes, which was meh, and SAM. I've basically avoided most pony fics because I just don't wanna get sucked back into that fandom.
I believe I've mentioned before that I well and truly loathe MLP shockfics, as they're incredibly pointless and don't really exist for any reason other than to offend people.
101 Days of Blueblood is a shockfic, but it's also so unbelievably long and so unbelievably boring...
Link goes to a riff. Don't even give this author views.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/17KWJx-qiwe5rzAgk2ZHoIK5BNclOm_6B8ah17VTZ8yk/edit
He has my eternal respect for making it through the entire fic. most drop off after the first chapter. Go ahead man, ship yourself with Fluttershy. After what you went through, you deserve what comfort you can muster.
Tough luck. I'm doing it after I finish Suicidal Nightmare.
What? Can't let Iximaz do all the bleepfics, now can we? =]
(It'll be interesting to see how well Wobbles holds up to it, actually, given the other Bleepfics I'm going to put her through. Oh well. At least it's only the Notary that has a Worm LO.)
Is that while most of the characters have occupations roughly similar to their canon ones and slightly modified to fit the author's weird regency romance medieval fetish, Rainbow Dash is inexplicably turned into an assassin. And a nun.
She'd have a better home in HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I'm sure of it.
It may be a troll fic, but the author is WAY to good at making it bad:
http://narutoveangancerevelaitons.blogspot.com/?zx=8681a488cfd2db77
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6254959/1/Memoirs-of-an-OC-Outsider-Character
Here's this. I've never fully read it because It's 41 chapters and that, to me, seems too long. Also the author of this fic wastes two chapters to explain her fic (uses a big chunk of it to defend her oc) and to explain the Japanese words she uses, both of those chapters were unnecessary.
...let's just say that I've got hideously gruesome plans for, well... this.
There's a reason the link goes to the TV Tropes article. Read it... if you dare. >;)
I feel dirty just by reading this. I'm 100% that this is a masterfully designed trollfic but that doesn't make it any better.
Can someone pass me some Bleeprin, please?
*shortly followed by Pink Stuff*
Just reading the trope page made me feel dirty.
Same here, buddy. Same here. *pats shoulder*
It's like the mirror universe version of Chatoyance's fics. I... Don't know which is worse. Both? Both.
I think I'm gonna call trollfic on that one. I want to believe that no one would write that seriously.
I pity the TVTroper who had to try to write a comprehensible summary of... whatever that was.
I wish that my morbid curiosity didn't get the better of me so easily. I now have to read that fic, which I will most likely regret. Well, wish me luck!
TSAB: Downfall.
God. That fic just drives me incoherent with rage. It's almost blatantly some guy who thinks that because the Nanoha-verse has themes about friendship and understanding your enemies it's lame and needs to be EDGIER.
Fun fact, I actually wrote the execution to that fic right after I finished reading it, on a bus, in the Notes app of an iPhone, in like an hour. And I pretty much never write scenes out of order, I was just that angry.
Yeah, let's take the Nanohaverse and make it about trivialised mass murder, it's the right thing to do, no?
It still disturbed me, and I know nothing about the continuum in question.
Let's see, other than Rose Potter, which is a given, I'd have to go with Fifty Shades of Grey 120 Days of Blueblood. It's about Prince Blueblood from MLP: FiM doing unspeakable things to the Mane Six. The first chapter alone (involving Rarity, Sweetie Bell, and their mother) made me feel ill while reading it.
That said... well, funnily enough, it's probably 120 Days or anything by AO3 ostensibly-person Axxor for me as well. I refuse to link to them on grounds of basic human decency.
What is wrong with you!? 120 days? Really! You made her read that!?!
I barely read through the Riff of it! And she got sick at Cupcakes! What the heck, man?
If you did not make her read 120 days of Blueblood, forgive me. But, if you did...
To put it in context - I don't get squicked out at stuff. I just tend to get angry more than anything else, and sometimes I forget that other people don't react the same way to more, ahem, outré pieces of fiction. I've read The 120 Days of Sodom (what of it de Sade completed). Mostly, I find it fascinating what the human mind is capable of. Also that we desire balance so much - compare the rash of MLP shockfics to the festival of kittens and snuggles that is (my experience of) the PMMM fandom's outpourings - but that might well be confirmation bias on my part, Iunno. =]
And I discovered Cupcakes when I was an innocent little 12 year-old. Now it just makes me roll my eyes and go 'ew'.
She just linked me 120 Days (with all the warnings it entailed) and I read it out of a kind of morbid fascination, wondering just how depraved it could get. The only thing that got me through it was the knowledge that the author deliberately made it a grimderp shockfic.
Sorry Scapegrace. I misunderstood.
Just curious, how far did you get? Because, much as it fulls me with disgust, the last chapter almost makes the fic into something I almost want to professionally analyze. I suppose you all don't care about spoilers to a (unofficially) Legendary Badfic, do you? Good.
In the end, Trixie leads a revolution, and wins! All of the royalty involved in the sick things that occur in the fic are put to be executed. How? By having them turned to stone by a cockatrice, then killing the cockatrice. This does not kill them, per se. Rather, it traps them as living statues, unable to move, unable to act, and forced to watch as the world continues without them. They have no mouths, and they must scream.
I won't lie, that last chapter was very cathartic. The evil people were defeated, and punished severely for it. Is it enough for what they did? No. But it is almost as close as you can get. Yet... why is it that torturing and killing these people is morally justified, while everyone else's deaths were seen as the worst acts of humanity? The entire point of Blueblood's little club was taking part in all of the possible pleasures that we deny ourselves because of "morality." We say, these people are monsters. Rightfully so, might I add. And yet, how did I feel when they killed Blueblood? It was darn near erotic. My soul was so full of justice, I could burst! It was an almost sexual pleasure. Now, wait a minute...
I don't know, maybe I'm insane, but there seems to be something of value here in this piece of garbage smut. Something worth analyzing, and taking a second look at. If I could muster a second look, that is.
And I'd have to agree, a psychologist could have a field day with this piece of... work. Or a well-armed sporker.
Here, I think I have an ancient druid's ritual to help calm and clear the mind. It'll just take a moment...
...What's that look for?
Obligatory link Reminder that there is foul language here.
Tastes a bit like a snozzberry.
Teach me to hit that enter key too soon.