Subject: Excellent!
Author:
Posted on: 2015-03-06 01:10:00 UTC
I've loathed Rose Potter for a long time now, good to see her getting her just deserts.
I did notice one typo in the mission, though.
"Rose summoned a mass of writing vines"
I believe that should be "writhing"?
At long last, it is finished! *laughs manically* Enjoy, everyone!
Rose used "empathy" and "I" in the same sentence without a negator? Can you say "chutzpah"? Oh, she's talking about animal empathy. Not sure she'd be capable of comprehending what most of us mean by empathy.
"Foul is Rose"
To the tune of "Fair is Rose" from Gilbert and Sullivan's Ruddigore
CHORUS:
Foul is Rose as rot and death!
Colder her heart than Titan's lakes!
Toxic is Rose as nundu breath!
Rose is a vicious little snake!
Oh, Rose Potter, off to Mount Etna go!
That amulet take and jump in a lava flow!
1ST AGENT:
Some five and a half tales, this "druidess"
A jailbait preteen villainess
Has made a mess out of canon 'verse.
And there is even worse:
Bullies her "friends" as a matter of course
And murders without any remorse!
And one thing more, oh not-dear Rose
Go and put on some clothes!
CHORUS:
Oh, Rose Potter, go throw yourself away!
Is anybody going to call you out today!
RENA:
Know, Rose, the laugh isn't be on your side.
You are going to die!
2ND AGENT:
Foul is Rose as any skunk's spray!
Colder her heart than helium streams!
Toxic is Rose as curare!
Rose is a very dreadful dream!
Oh, Rose Potter, heroic you are not!
All your compassion doesn't even rate a single dot!
Foul is Rose.
Vile is Rose.
Ro-o-o-ose is a vicious little snake.
That should be "Rina".
Before I say anything further, let me say congratulations on sporking another Rose Potter "book". If Bleeptea were a thing IRL, I'd suggest drinking copious amounts of it.
Actually, normal IRL tea can be calming as well, so I suggest taking a nice, slow drink of a cup or two before going any further!
That said, off to the mission itself!
First off, (at the risk of tooting my own horn) an internal squee rose up when you mentioned greengrocer's apostrophes, for reasons that you might be able to guess.
But a few errors as well:
* That sounded suspiciously like the Ground type one-hit K.O. move.
"Ground-type" should be hyphenated.
* "I trust your judgement, all right?"
The word is spelled "judgment", that is to say, please remove that first "E".
(I'm pretty sure that I'll get some flak for this from our friends across the pond.)
* Riddle accused Hagrid of opening the Chamber of Secrets, and suddenly cast an Arania Exhime at the acromantula when it tried to escape.
...
“It’s spelled E-X-U-M-A-I,” Rina explained....
If the incantation was misspelled, then I'd suggest putting it in quotation marks, like you did with Rose's faux-Latin back in the first part.
* “Get out, uncanon influence!” she yelled, whacking Aragog again, “begone, bad characterization! The power of Rowling compels you!
The punctuation is off. Since there's an exclamation point to end the first quote, the second quote should start with a capital letter. Otherwise, replace that first exclamation point with a comma.
In other words, fix it like this:
"Get out, uncanon influence," she yelled, whacking Aragog again, "begone, bad characterization!"
Or like this:
“Get out, uncanon influence!” she yelled, whacking Aragog again. “Begone, bad characterization! The power of Rowling compels you!
* And speaking of the exorcism, three questions:
1) What happened to the wraith itself? Usually an exorcism features the wraith leaving the body, even if it's only one sentence.
2) Why did Rina have to use Expelliarmus? She seemed to be doing the traditional "whack 'em on the head with canon" method with no problems.
3) How did Rina use Expelliarmus/i>? Unless Rina is able to do wandless magic, the omission of her taking out her wand (which is mentioned later in the mission) can be jarring.
Whew, that was quite a bit of typing. But nothing compared to what you have to deal with! Good luck, and don't go too insane!
And OotP is one of them. *slams head against wall* Okay, prepare for incoherent replies!
I was actually thinking back to that post when I wrote that! *fistbump*
Derp.
I've... never seen it spelled judgment. Never. It's always been judgement. Weeeeird.
Right, thanks.
Duly noted.
1) Plum forgot, will add.
2) and 3) It was a reference to "The Shakespeare Code" episode of Doctor Who. He basically exorcized some witches using Expelliarmus. I suppose I should have mentioned that...
I had no idea it was even possible to mess up canon that badly. Nice mission though.
Trust me, you haven't seen anything yet. *shudders*
(Also, I caught the Firefly reference thanks to the power of TV Tropes. Well done, ma'am.) Sheesh. If she keeps getting overpowered and stupid at this rate, I fear for your/Rina's/Zeb's sanity in the later books. Do you want some backup? Ami knows Harry Potter, she can help you out...if you'd like her to, of course...
Also, what are "greengrocer's apostrophes"? Is that a special term for apostrophes ending up in the wrong place?
Anyway, minor concrit time!
"'Bip! Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Human canons, 30% OOC and rising,' Rina said."
Funny, but what happened to their CADs? Did they all explode already or do they not work right in Potterverse because magic? (Zeb's imitation was less funny, tbh)
"The Sues ran at the barrier, and of course crashed into it."
Shouldn't that be "The Sue and Replacement"?
"'Oh, fine,' Rina sighed, and snapped the replacement's neck."
Not that I object to paralyzing Sues from the neck down and ensuring their death, but...it takes a fair amount of pressure to snap someone's neck. Should I assume that Rina used the rocks to help her and let the matter drop?
That's all I can find for now. Seriously, good frickin' luck with the later volumes. *hug of sympathy*
Ahh you caught the Firefly reference! *glomps* 
I fear for my sanity as well as my agents'. I've read the fics several times now and my brain still hurts.
Greengrocer's apostrophe's are when you use apostrophe's to form plural's like I'm doing now. :P
They brought in litmus strips in the first fic, but those caught fire. They're out of analyzers other than their own brains.
Ehh, yeah, but it doesn't flow as well.
...yes.
Thank you! *accepts hugs* PoA is giving me a major headache. The butchery is just... so... painful...
Doby stood to introduce himself
Also, “Well, looks like we have ourself our first charge!” looks weird to me. Rina may speak like this, but "ourselves" would be more grammatical, and honestly, I would just drop the word entirely.
And then there is this:
Neville insisted that they were only supposed to take two electives despite Hermione being able to take three in her fourth year without any problems.
Do you intend to imply that poor Neville is already so stuyfied that he, like Rose, should have read the books? It might be better to refer to something Neville could actually know, like Bill and Percy Weasley taking five electives in previous years, and actually getting all the O.W.L.s.
Despite this, I really enjoyed the ride.
HG
I figured that, since Hermione was able to take three in fourth year, it could be retroactively assumed that they could also take three in their third year.
And thank you!
Of course all students could choose three or four or five subjects in their third year; and Hermione taking three in fourth year is a valid reason to figure this out.
But it’s not a valid reason for blaming Rose or the suethor for Neville’s stupid assumption that students "were only supposed to take two electives", unless you assume that in this badfic Neville should be able to divine what Hermione will do in a future year.
Thus, I tried to point out that other students taking five electives in their third year having already happened in previous years would be a better argument, because it actually shows that Neville – if he isn’t more stupid than the suethor intended him to be – should know that students are not limited to choose only two electives.
HG
That you could take as many as you wanted, so long as it didn't muck up your schedule. Hermione could cope with the workload, which is why the government entrusted Hermione with an antimatter bomb.
Sorry, did you expect me to say time machine? Did someone not know that time-reversed matter is posited as being effectively antimatter? And you gave this to a thirteen-year-old bullied girl without any protective enchantments whatsoever?
And I agree with you Mrs. Weasley would make Chuck Norris eat his vegetables, also she will ground Bruce Lee for week and make Batman agree to make friends.
In small ntipocky thing, you wrote "Chrismastime" in the last paragraph of page 29.
Would do all the above, and meanwhile she'd be making the Jackie Chan de-gnome her garden and Iron Man would live up to his name and iron stuff. ^-^
Christmastime is a legitamite word, though. At least according to both my phone's and computer's dictionaries.
I'm enjoying these missions.
I like that the agents get to enjoy the canon setting such as when they have breakfast or when they slide down to the Chamber like it was a playground slide. The part where Zeb imitates Malfoy was funny.
BTW, you typed up, "Crabbe!Ron". I think that's supposed to be Crabbe!Neville.
It's probably the only thing keeping them sane at this point.
Oops! Nice catch; that'd be my wistful thinking overtaking my brain. I'll fix it in the morning.
And mad. And also brave, and also also mad. =]
I really enjoyed this mission, and it's worth mentioning that the balance of a Western longsword compared to a katana is really quite different. Also, I loved the DW references! I mean, I sort of would, but y'know. It's nice that they're there. =]
I figured as much, but thank you for pointing that out. :)
And I mean really, Who can pass up the opportunity to make a few good references? U c wat i did thar
I've loathed Rose Potter for a long time now, good to see her getting her just deserts.
I did notice one typo in the mission, though.
"Rose summoned a mass of writing vines"
I believe that should be "writhing"?
I'm both looking forward to and dreading PoA. Ugh...
Just deserts?! *buries Rose under sand and cacti*
Thank you for pointing out my own typo, I'll fix it in the morning. :P
Glad to finally see this finished! Congratulations on finishing another chapter of the saga, and can't wait to see the next!
But at least PoA should allow for some more creativity than "they skipped several pages of canon blah blah blah".
Knowing that's your favorite one, I shudder to think of what torments are caused by seeing PoA mangled. I wish you and your agents the best in their endeavors, and I hope that the sanity of all my be preserved.
And so Rose dies... again. Keep it up!
Minor nitpick... remember what happens when a phoenix dies? They burst into flame and are reborn. Presumably even Replacement!Fawkes is still a canon phoenix.
Not that it makes much difference; once the Sue is dead, canon should snap back pretty quickly.
(I feel bad criticising when you're being brave enough to take down a Legendary, but still... that's the curse of perfectionism.)
Maybe he regenerates back into canon!Fawkes. :P