Anyway, here's the fic: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/3763/midnight-green

Disclaimer: I am no expert on Pern or concrit, but I'll do my best.
To start with, all the characters seem pretty interchangeable. I can't tell anything about any of them from the limited exposure I get in this story. Maybe it's a symptom of it being such a short story.
In fact, that would be the first thing I would suggest: flesh it out a bit. The plot isn't necessarily bad, but it could stand to be expanded on.
And I suppose that the ending, such as it is, is a bit of an anticlimax. There's basically no conflict: the characters pursue the villain, gain dragons, find the villain, then the villain dies without their intervention. It might help to see the rest of the chapters; as-is, it's quite clearly an introductory plot.
Uh... you could check spelling and grammar? Yeah, I'm out of suggestions. No complete re-write outlines from me.
Oh, and you might want to give it a once-over; when you (presumably) Ctrl+F and replaced 'Lou' with 'Alice', it also replaced 'lou' within words. For instance: '...the egg burst open with a Aliced crack.' That made me chuckle, heh.
The style and characterisation actually reminds me a lot of my first attempt at writing, when I was seventeen. Man, that was bad. But I went back and did a complete re-write. I wouldn't necessarily claim that it's good now, but it's better. /digression

Well. The premise of this... really doesn't work, as I'm sure you know. Hermione has been trapped in a tower for seven years. That means she hasn't eaten in seven years - that no-one has bothered to look for her in seven years - and that Hermione Granger couldn't figure out a way to escape. In seven years. Merlin's eyebrows, she even says the word 'rope'! She's had long enough that she could've Rapunzel'd her way out.

And then she agrees to marry Ron, who she hasn't seen for seven years, and who didn't come looking for her until she wrote a note. She really should be insane, of course, but that's a bit crazy even for her.

But setting aside the impossibility of the plot, I kind of like the characters. Dean and Brian have the right kind of... well, not chemistry, but you know what I mean. I got a feel for their relationship, even though they're only minor characters. Ron comes across as someone who lost someone a long time ago, and suddenly finds out she might - might - not be dead. Harry... uh, yeah, Harry and the rest are a bit, um, blase about it all. But Ron, at least, I believe.

So: how could it be redeemed? I'd focus on the strengths - those three characters - and drop everything else. Actually, number one suggestion: don't give us Hermione's POV at all. I'd be tempted to stick with just Dean and Brian, and have them watch events. Just as a rough hashing-out, here's how I'd write it:

Show us them finding the note, and taking it to Ron; show us Ron's reaction to reading it, through their eyes, and the way he runs off to find Harry; show us Professor Harry Potter coming to find the boys - Brian would be in awe, since he knows who Harry is, and have to explain it to Dean - and interrogate them about the note. He wouldn't believe it, he'd think it was a cruel prank - but he'd be cautiously convinced.

Then show us the staff meeting where McGonagall also questions the boys, but then is forced to say that no, they can't go and check: even after seven years, the spellstorm in that tower is still incredibly dangerous. Bring out the idea that so many spells hit it - and Hermione - that they don't know what happened. 'Perhaps in another seven years,' McGonagall says. 'If she's really there - if she's survived this long - then she can last another seven years.'

But obviously, Ron won't put up with that - and neither will Dean and Brian, and show us them sneaking out at the same time as Ron does, and running into him on the grounds. Then show us the broomstick flight into the spellstorm - mostly invisible from a distance, but a reality-warping madness up close. Borrow the sacrifice theme from the ending of Philosopher's Stone and force the boys to stay back (fighting temporally-displayed Dementors? Something even worse?) while Ron dives for the window.

And... I don't know. I'd be really, really tempted to kill the viewpoint character - whichever one of the boys it is - but give him one last view of Ron's broomstick shooting skywards, with Ron holding an incredibly-long-haired figure tightly. Sacrifice, again. Alternately, let them all make it out (with Hermione), but end on a conversation in the Hospital Wing. She's weak, she's slightly crazy - shades of Bellatrix here - but she's glad to be free... and she'd love to get to know Ron again. In a homage to the original ending, when Madam Pomfrey tells them all they have to leave, show Ron slipping a small black box back into his pocket; the idea that he's actually got the ring, but 'this isn't the time', makes a nice bittersweet end.

Like I say, that's what I'd do. It keeps the main points of the story in place, but makes them more realistic and suspenseful. I think the idea of Hermione being trapped - and the spellstorm is my way of justifying that without providing an actual explanation - has some promise, but... yeah, not like this.

hS

(PS: The 'spellstorm' is my own invention, with no grounding that I know of in Harry Potter. If there's an actual canonical example of spells lingering, or mixing, or anything like that, you'd obviously use that instead.)

Okay, I've had to check up on the book here (I've only read it once): Rosemary is the previous Receiver, who went crazy and had herself euthanised, right? Okay. But even knowing that... I can't really make head or tail of this piece.

It looks like all that happens is that Rosemary bumps into someone and gets chemicals spilled on her. But it's covered in a layer of... really strange writing.

I think the problem is that you were trying to lay two different effects on Rosemary at once. She's clearly 'zoned out' - she reads like the whole world is covered in something of a haze - but you're also going for an 'emotionless/logical/obedient' strain. And they... didn't combine that well.

Add to that the fact that I'm not really clear what's bothering her. That the Giver claims to be her father, apparently - only how does that lead to 'She was… she couldn't even describe it. Maybe it would come to her in a later memory. But for now…'?

Also, she can't identify the liquids on sight: but why would she expect to? I'unno, this is another place where misty/logical doesn't combine well.

So what could be done? I think you'd be best to extend it, and basically separate the two emotions. Show us 'logical Rosemary' at first, when she runs into Duncan, and then as their relationship-of-a-kind builds, have first her emotionless retreat, and then the vagueness come in to replace it. Obviously that would need a longer story, but that's what you seem to have been originally planning.

There are some things I liked. The 'unrelated to training' paragraph worked well, probably because it's the one place where 'vague' goes away. And... well, I like the premise. Rosemary, from what I recall (I've only read The Giver once), is a minor, off-page character - but one who went through exactly what the protagonist did. Written well, her story could cast new light on the theme of the book itself: a different point of view, if you will.

hS

I'm not gonna comment on the artwork, for the record: just the writing.

Corrina is... well, first and foremost, she's not bothered to learn her own backstory. She was bribed into joining the army with a female Ralts (from Hoenn, not Sinnoh; she can tell the difference because... she can!), and this is her first assignment... but she's in the army because of her father, and she's been subject to repeated court martials. Given the way she tore up her first assignment, she not only deserves a court martial for gross insubordination, she should have the Ralts taken away from her and probably be locked up as a suspected spy.

But of course, she isn't. Instead, she just sweeps out of there - deserting from the army in a time of war (yeah) - and Superior McOfficer is powerless to stop her. Actually, I really empathise with Superior here - she's trying to fight a war here, and Corrina's whinging about not wanting to do anything. Yeah, Corrina, if it weren't for the woman whose office you're smashing, your cozy little log cabin would probably be on fire.

So, for the first chapter (and backstory), what can I say? Actually, given that Corrina teleports out (meaning Superior probably couldn't have stopped her), she's perfectly written - as a spoilt brat who'll hopefully get her comeuppance. With a slight tweak to imply that her previous disciplinaries - the ones her father got her out of - were during training, this scene works pretty well. Always provided we're not meant to like her.

Chapter 2. Again, the idea that Corrina is a loose cannon Voltorb who lashes out at everyone works here: Maya is clearly terrified of her. The fact that she then apologises to Maya suggests she's changed a little since exploding at Superior. Probably the best way to handle this would be to actually show us 'Chapter 1.5' - the journey to the battlefield. Show us Corrina abusing her Pokemon (verbally and in terms of what she makes them do), but then show us her first experience actually killing another person. She may be the world's greatest hunter - but her prey doesn't normally whisper it's wife's name while it dies. Training is all very well - both Pokemon training and military (which she of course mostly ignored) - but it doesn't prepare you to actually, y'know, murder someone.

(Depending on how high you want to drag the horror up: have her run into an armed man outside a log cabin and murder him - and then have his children run out of the house)

Oh hey look it's plot! The technobabble sounds, uh, technobabbly, but hey, Pokemon being able to view the past isn't too farfetch'd. But then Mew... uh... um.

Okay, Mew's pretty obnoxious, but I can see two ways it could work. Either Mew has an evil plot, and the cheerful stuff is an act, or Mew is acting out of goodness and light and trying to make Corrina into a better person with all this 'chosen one' malarkey. Quite possibly the story could use a double twist in which we find out the true story - and then find out that there's actually a deeper true story under it all.

Chapter 3: whooooooa, did I miss a bit? Suddenly we've gone from 'you're the bratty chosen one!' to naked panels and implied prostitution. Um, right.

This doesn't really work, because it's way too subtle for Corrina. Her technique for getting out of the army was to yell 'I'm leaving!'. Her technique for getting out of disciplinary trouble was to call for Daddy. Her technique for getting past the guards immediately before Chapter 2 was to beat them up and (fail to) wipe their memories. There's no way she'd do anything here except all-out attack. (Also, haha, sure you were trained by ninjas, I bet you beat them in every fight, didn't you? Because, y'know, your daddy would have killed them if they didn't let you)

But actually, my version of Corrina might just do this. She wasn't trained by ninjas, of course (though Daddy might have taken her round once and glowered at them until they said she was a 'natural'), but with her experiences on the borders, and watching Nicolai die... yes, I can see her deliberately going for a non-lethal approach. She'd probably have a hard time keeping her temper under control as the guards continued to refuse to let her in; I'd imagine that ultimately she slaps one, they draw their weapons, and she (or Pichu) kill them in desperation. But that wasn't the plan, and she's upset by it.

Basically, I see Corrina as a deconstruction of Eragon: where Eragon goes about saying killing is bad and then keeps justifying it to himself, Corrina starts off thinking it's bad, realises it's awful - and then keeps failing to stop herself. Her ultimate victory in my version is when she's finally able to not commit murder in self-defence - even though it means she'll probably die. She started out using her 'principles' as an excuse to do whatever she wants; she ends up following her principles even when it's the last thing she wants to do.

hS

... Well, if/when you get Permission, I guess. Or maybe you could illustrate someone else's script for a mission? Because honestly, I've seen worse art, and it would probably make sense for the agents to be disguised in the same drawing style as the comic itself anyway.
Oh, and that "RIIIIIIIIIIP!" goes straight to the charge list. Dear Glod, my eyes!