Congrats on the mission! =] by
Scapegrace
on 2015-02-17 13:04:00 UTC
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If there's one thing I like, it's bickering agents, and if there's one thing I like more, it's fanatical devotion to the Pope bickering agents who get into situations they can't handle. This was a fantastic start and I look forward to reading more! =]
Congrats to a very good start by
Hieronymus Graubart
on 2015-02-16 16:26:00 UTC
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Insert praise here. I’m really bad at positive feedback, you better get used to this :-)
"Look at this, Hieronymus:"
Ginger squeezed into the room and squinted, then began fumbling for her wand.
Alloy poked her head into the room and squinted.
"Don’t you want to page the Repetitive Department of Repetition again?" asked Still-not-an-agent Androia Avatar.
"Naah," answered Not-an-agent-yet Hieronymus. "Doing it twice a day is a bit repetitive, wouldn’t you say? And there’s nothing else to nitpick upon. I’m so disappointed," he added sulkily.
HG, not disappointed at all.
Woo, first mission! by
Desdendelle
on 2015-02-16 00:26:00 UTC
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-Offers celebratory tea-
Some mechanical suggestions:
- Single line breaks between paragraphs are sufficient. Double line breaks are too much.
- "Alloy flicked the switch and sat down in the room's singular chair" - 'single' works better here, IMO.
- "Alloy checked the shoulders- she'd been told that she needed to have a patch there-" - Nesh would probably correct me, but I think those should be em dashes and have spaces before and after them. This is all over the text, so probably find-and-replace is your best friend, here.
-Inserting a fic quote in the middle of a sentence probably breaks some sort of rule, but even if doesn't, it does ruin the flow.
-It would seem that capitalisation minis are frowned upon?
- "“oh okay” Ruby said." -is the badfic affecting her? Otherwise, you're missing a comma there.
That said, I liked the mission. It's funny, the fight scene at the end is good, and the book ends are nice. Well-written, very well-written indeed!
Oh, also, a question: did you have the services of a beta? I can guess Iximaz at least took a look because one of her agents appears in the mission, but was there anybody else? If so, it should be noted - betas deserve their credit! - and if not, you most definitely get one for your next missions. They catch the mistakes you don't and generally serve as another pair of eyes, as well as a general advisor.