Subject: I hope that you know what you're doing...
Author:
Posted on: 2015-02-15 22:28:00 UTC
Cupid Carmine might be obvious tickle-bait to you, but I doubt that it would make for interesting reading if you start shoehorning tickling scenes into missions and intermissions.
What I'm trying to say is: Please be careful.
And just in time for Valentine's Day, too: "Go Home Canon, You're Drunk"
I’ve never heard a word about Kid Icarus, so I cannot say much. Anyway, I liked your agents’ interaction.
According to the Wiky, there is no Impetus miserablis. It should be Impetus miserabilis.
Not one of the characters they had met today had deserved what had they had witnessed or felt.
Aren’t there to many hads?
I would never have expected that such good use could be made of Sarah’s tickling fetish.
HG
Interesting mission, though you may have to clear up what's going on with Carmine.
Let me see if I'm understanding this correctly: Canon Pit was possessed by a Sue-wraith. The agents exorcised it. But given that the AU could have been plausible, Palutena basically removed the badfic portions of the wraith (e.g., the emo and wangst aspects), thus converting it into an AU doppelganger of Pit for you to recruit.
Am I correct?
A different query: Why is Sarah swearing by Steve Rogers? IIRC, Captain America is not part of the Incredibles universe.
That aside, the mission itself was pretty interesting, and the "dark reprise" was pretty creative.
There are some errors that I caught:
1) Rashida’s glare could have burned through the Omnidroid. “…Or not,” Sarah said meekly.
This line should be two separate paragraphs, since there are two "speakers," Rashida and Sarah.
2) The two of them watched the scene with Pit confronting the group of gods replay from Viridi’s point of view.
This sentence is grammatically correct, and I could figure out what you were trying to say—on a second reading of the sentence. It's awkwardly worded. Please consider rewording it. How about this instead: "The two of them watched a replay of the scene with Pit confronting the group of gods, thid time from Viridi’s point of view."
3) "Two people were beckoning her to come and talk to them from behind a tree."
Dangling modifier. (Are the two people behind a tree, or are they telling her to talk to them from behind a tree?). Rephrase to clarify what you intend to convey. Consider this: "From behind a tree, two people were beckoning her to come and talk to them."
Or perhaps this: "Two people were beckoning her from behind a tree to come and talk to them."
Though in hindsight, it seems like my first suggestion is better.
3) And that’s exactly what it wants too.
You need a comma before "too".
4) PSTD
You got the letters mixed up. It's "PTSD"
Like I said in the commentary, the backstory itself wasn't the worst thing about this fic, and I would have liked to see someone explore it in a proper way. The only real inconsistency I found with it was that Pit appeared as something like an 6- to 8-year-old in the original game, as opposed to him being a teenager the whole time. (Then again, Palutena could have changed his appearance at any time, based on the best ending of said game, so I'm willing to bet even that could still be handled.)
Sarah actually didn't start swearing by Marvel superheroes (due to Marvel being brought by Disney) until after she joined the PPC (IIRC, she swore by Captain Marvel near the start of my Teen Titans mission). I should've made that clear somewhere, maybe on the Wiki page.
I've never played a single Kid Icarus-related game, but it was a pretty fun read. I also liked, ahem, certain post-mission shenanigans with Carmine. Yes indeed.
Now, since I can't provide a canon gift, I shall instead provide a small droid for you. Its name is Sab Qassi, and shall function as an intelligent, highly mobile quiver so you don't have to wear it - there's a bandolier with a charging station, but the hoverpad ought to be good for a good few days' constant use. Little guy's not quite a knife missile, but then what is? =]
I'm definitely going to find a use for this. I hope.
And I'm glad you liked the mission, because Cupid is definitely going to be seeing a lot more action in the months to come! Unfortunately, his first mission is gonna have to wait until the end of March, in no small part thanks to my final graduate defense. I have started working on it, though, and I am looking forward to writing this little angel - and even more so to tickling the daylights out of him. A friend of mine on dA once put it best: "He's constantly surrounded by feathers, and wears sandals!"
Cupid Carmine might be obvious tickle-bait to you, but I doubt that it would make for interesting reading if you start shoehorning tickling scenes into missions and intermissions.
What I'm trying to say is: Please be careful.
There WILL be a few such scenes in Cupid's first mission, just as an advance warning (and I'm working to integrate them into the story as much as I can), but his second one (which is also in progress) won't have any to compensate. After that, well... Yeah. I'll try not to go there if I can.
I still haven't forgotten that I made that exact mistake with Sarah's homefic, after all. I should've known that there is such a think as too much kinky stuff. ^^;
First off, a possible typo - on pg. 16, Sarah calls Rashida a loin (and Rashida refers to it on pg. 18, using the same spelling). I think you meant lion?
If you did mean loin, I don't think it really works there. It doesn't make much sense as a sanitized swearword, given the f-bombs that are dropped in the same scene, and as a reference (to Iximaz's Loin!Sue?) it's a little too obscure. Even if it's not meant to be a typo, given Rashida's leonine nature, it feels like one. If it's intentional, I'd have the characters explain it in-text.
Also, the link to the badfic doesn't work and I can't find it on the author's page. I don't know if it's been deleted or if I just don't understand Wattpad, but I figured you might want to know.
As for more general feedback, I really liked the conflict between Sarah and Rashida. It felt like it developed naturally, and did a good job representing the tipping point between "quarrelsome partners" and "negative relationship." I would have liked to see a little more resolution to that argument, although it may be that that's coming at some point in the future.
Personally, though, I felt like you tried a little too hard to force the badfic into being something it wasn't in order to justify your treatment of it, if that makes sense. I'm probably not in the best position to comment on this, since I don't know the fandom and can't find the fic, but I didn't really understand why you felt V.R. was salvageable based on what you showed in your mission. Especially based on the first passage you quote from the fic, she comes off like a very blatant Sue. Even more, she's one of my least favorite variations, the Grimdark!Sue who turns canonically good characters into villains just so she can look badass by opposing them. Within the mission, you try to excuse her by saying she genuinely wants to help Pit, but I don't buy it. Lots of Sues claim that they want to help their targets. Here, the fact that we learn of Pit's issues through Violet's PoV reinforces the idea that she's the one responsible for their existence. And given her relationship with Pit, it feels like she's trying to reshape him from his canon characterization into the angsty rebel that she really lusts after.
I'm not saying that that's the only valid interpretation of the story. However, I think it would make the mission as a whole seem stronger if you focused it a little more on V.R.'s recruitment. I know that the whole issue with Pit is fairly complicated and needs to be explored, but her recruitment is kind of just thrown in there, and it feels like an afterthought.
Ironically, it also muddies the issue of Cupid's recruitment - by making him more responsible for the fic's flaws, it makes his suitability as a recruit seem more questionable. If you'd just made her the main perpetrator, I don't think I would have any issues with his recruitment. In that sense, I think killing Violet and recruiting Cupid would have been the "cleaner" option, though maybe I'm just being overly bloodthirsty, or prejudiced because I really dislike needlessly grimdark fics.
Sorry for focusing so much on the aspects of your mission that I didn't care for! Overall, I though there was a lot of really good stuff in there, but I wanted to make sure you understood where I was coming from. I also think that expanding on some of the stuff, such as through an intermission, would make a big difference. There are some really interesting possibilities with your decisions, and it may be that I just need to wait for them to be explored.
It's a reference to this mission, where the Sue misspells lion that way and turns into a giant crotch. (Yes, really.)
That's what I thought. I think the reference just caught me off guard because I wasn't sure it was one that Sarah and Rashida would be aware of.
I checked back to the original link and holy balls, you're right! I did manage to save around half of the fic on a word document if anyone wants to read what I have; I just put it up on Google Docs with a summary of what else I was able to find and updated the mission accordingly. Lady Palutena, I can't believe how close to a complete disaster that mission was!...
Anyway, based on what I read and what I have on file, V.R. didn't actually do very much in the fic itself. Almost everything that happened to Pit was inflicted upon by himself, and she was actually trying to prevent him from becoming an angsty rebel. If she'd wanted that sort of temperament, why not just hook up with Dark Pit? Also, I was banking on the idea that V.R. was an unreliable narrator, especially given that most of the fic took place from the point of view of different characters. Palutena was not openly antagonistic in any of her appearances, and she genuinely did try to help Pit as much as everyone else involved. I don't really see V.R. as being a problem so much as having a very ingrained misunderstanding of Palutena, but her knowledge of the canon is enough that it wasn't mangled, the made-up backstory notwithstanding.
The interlude after this mission was initially going to be just Sarah meeting Velociripper (from my previous mission) again, with all the irrational violence that it implies. Come to think of it, though, I think having V.R. show up in said interlude, talk to Ripper as well, and have him help her come to terms with her own status as a former Sue (and starting the whole mess in the first place besides) would be really helpful, because I honestly had no idea how the interlude would go down otherwise.
I've promised to hand V.R. off to eatpraylove, but I can talk to her about this and we'll be able to think of something together. We'll see!
Always save the fics you're sporking, lest they disappear while you put the mission on hiatus. (Happened to me.)
Ah, okay. I didn't really get the sense that her behavior and statements were necessarily contradicting the reality of the fic. Maybe have a character mention that she's not doing much, or that Palutena is acting more or less in character despite what V.R. said? I really like the idea of a Sue who isn't so much a reality warper as completely delusional.
I think my lack of familiarity with the continuum was also hampering my understanding of the situation. To me, it read like the opening to a lot of "Harry is being manipulated by Dumbledore" fic, and I think my expectations of that kind of story was influencing my response to V.R.
I look forward to seeing the interlude!
You picked a heck of a seventh mission, I'll say that much. Parts of it were painful to read even when we were still writing it! (But that might just be my sensitive stomach talking.)
The only thing that slightly bothers me is Angela/Panacea's recruitment. I get why you did it (she didn't do much wrong and the fic didn't need her anyway), but wouldn't it have been a little easier to let her assimilate back into canon? Skyworld having a nurse of some description is very plausible; after all, the ones from the first game would've had to go somewhere.
Great to see how you tweaked the "look through canon to check for Sue-wraiths" idea to fit a 3DS! I hope more people pick up on that idea, cause it's a keeper.
Also, obligatory nitpicking:
"And that," Rashida snarled. "is why we are here."
The period after "snarled" should be a comma.
Rashida had seen the look on her partner’s face only once before, and that was just after the latter..."
The "and that was just" is unnecessary, delete it.
“When Pit destroyed the Mirror of Truth, it created a copy that represented his true feelings,” said Rashida. “Usually, if a character is warped so completely, he or she splits off into a canon and a replacement. But what if the real Pit is acting so OOC because his AU ‘replacement’… is still inside him?”
Rashida's third line sounds like it should come from Sarah. But that's just me.
There might be more, but again, I have homework :(
Weren't you one of the betas? If so, then I'm confused as to why your qualms about Panacea are coming up now, rather than during the writing process.
I'm jealous of your ability to throw confetti. I only have Spikes on me most of the time...
I decided to recruit Panacea as opposed to putting her back because Kid Icarus is horribly underrepresented among the PPC character roster, even though it's theoretically supposed to encompass all continua. I can understand Cupid but I felt like adding in some variety by taking in a supporting role as well. Besides, she's good at what she does, and I'm sure a lot of people would be grateful for that.
And turning the 3DS into a makeshift Silph Scope was a last-minute addition. I would have had Sarah just put the game card up to her eyelid, but I had no idea how that would work, so the 3DS was a bit of a cop-out on my part. Besides, Sarah's going to be seeing a lot more video-game continua when she transfers to the DIC in the interlude I have planned after this mission, so it would make sense for her to start somewhere.
Although I certainly don't apreciate much all that tickling, I felt that it was much better handled than in Sarah's homefic; also I like the way you solved the problems for this fic and how you handled the clashing personalities of Rashida and Sarah.
So, have here a Maximum Tomato for the Kirby Continuum, I'm sure Agent Cupid will appreciate it!
You'll be glad to know that I appreciate it very much - it'll certainly come in handy if I get maimed on my first mission!
By the way, thanks for the mini-Kracko, too! The proper spelling is 'Maxim Tomato'.
...is slightly outdated, eighteen years outdated; or that magazine had an error, or both.
Anyway, glad you liked the item ;)