Subject: Target acquired: "The Empty Vessel"
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Posted on: 2015-01-30 16:38:00 UTC

"The Empty Vessel" by ZeeDrippyVessel.

Tungsten Monk and I have already claimed this beast, but I wanted to share, because that's how much I love you all. {; P This absurdly long story is about Bronwyn Morgan ap Powell, a modern woman with a perfect hourglass figure and fiery-yet-vulnerable personality who is shanghaied to Middle-earth by the Valar, but only once they've thoroughly ruined her life so she can become the titular Empty Vessel. What does this mean? Well, apparently it's her destiny to have lots of hot sex with Haldir and also become the "Bard of All Earth" or something like that, storing up all the history of Middle-earth in her head for thousands of years... so she can psychically dictate it to none other than J.R.R. Tolkien, who is implied to be one of her descendents. I cannot make an emoticon with a deep enough scowl to properly express my indignation at this.

Along the way, she discovers the power to make music play in the air around her, subjecting the poor Galadhrim to a lot of 80s rock. Not that there's anything wrong with 80s rock, mind you, but I can't imagine that the Elves appreciate it, and it certainly wasn't written for the lute.

Enter, if you dare, and marvel at the illogic, the disrespect for canon, the defamation of the Valar, and the random insertion of things like Smut the Dragon and the speshul wolves that become the companions of Bronwyn, Haldir, and their speshul spawn. Not to mention a scene in chapter 22 where Haldir assures her she's not a Mary Sue, completely not getting what a Mary Sue actually is. {X D

I also suspect there's some butchery of Elven languages going on, but I have not the wisdom to confirm it (yet).

~Neshomeh

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