Subject: Hmm, okay, yeah.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-01-25 13:26:00 UTC
I'll fix the first two you mentioned as soon as I get up (I'm on my phone right now and I'm not willing to get out of bed yet :P ).
As for that third... hmm. Is it possible Rina accidentally portaled further ahead than intened? Yes, the narrative would still need to be fixed, but I'm just wondering. Not to mention, I'm kind of stumped.
doctorlit? Do you have any ideas?
This interlude was based off the Texts From Last Night RP a while ago, which you can view here.
Rina shook her head, blowing her bangs out if her eyes.
The following two paragraphs, coming from different contributors, should be mixed into one to remove the repetition:
Rina came over to help. “Woah, that is seriously mind-screwy,” she said, bending down and grabbing hold of Doc’s shirt. After a lot of tugging and pulling, the two agents finally managed to haul Doc's sodden form into the Lounge.
Doc stayed limp, but otherwise allowed himself to be dragged backwards, then upwards, into the Lounge.
Less obvious, but still slightly irritating: Rina neutralyzing the bystanders and portaling to Medical should not take longer than a minute, but Vania had been watching Doc sleep when Rina arrived. I assume that Vania grabbed the back of Doc's collar and began to drag him away, but then remembered the RA he had dropped, and portaled to Medical. The nurses must still have worked really fast. I don’t know what could be done about this.
Sorry for nitpicking again. I like what Doc and you achieved without knowing where you were going in advance. Someday I should try to participate in one of these RPs.
HG
I'll fix the first two you mentioned as soon as I get up (I'm on my phone right now and I'm not willing to get out of bed yet :P ).
As for that third... hmm. Is it possible Rina accidentally portaled further ahead than intened? Yes, the narrative would still need to be fixed, but I'm just wondering. Not to mention, I'm kind of stumped.
doctorlit? Do you have any ideas?
Just so I didn't spend a whole post going through the process of entering someone into Medical. Also, to avoid nurse cameos getting shoved in during the final paragraphs.
We can change it if you like, but I honestly think it's fine as it is. Time is wonky between worlds anyway. Maybe add an author note to the beginning that's it's based off an RP, so people reading the link off the wiki in the future will know why it's not super-tight writing?
I understand why you did this in the RP, and I understand why Iximaz didn't see the problem and respond to it immediately. But this doesn't mean that you can just skip the opportunity to fix it when you make an interlude based on the RP.
"Time is wonky between worlds anyway." Yeah, that's the explanation and I tend to forget this. Still, it would be nice to see Rina confused and worried when she realizes that she obviously is no longer in sync with Vania and Doc - and with Randa. From what she can see at this moment, Vania may be visiting Doc, who has already been in the hospital for a day or more.
Possible solution: Rina asks "How long - " and Vania assures her that she is only a few minutes late.
HG
Actually, I realized we forgot to add a disclaimer in the first place. :P
I almost wish I'd taken part in that RP, but whatever. Maybe next time, when Chris has a working phone. *shrugs cheerfully*
That was really fun to read. I should probably check out the Other Board...
I'm also looking forwards to the probable collaboration between you and doctorlit!
I didn't know about Sparklee or the story that spawned it, but it does seem like an interesting idea. I also like the idea of a PPC TV channel. Well, I guess it pretty much had to happen since there already were radio stations...
I just a question: Whyn Doc thought it was a good idea a beach in New York? Anyway, good work as always!
I initially was thinking of going a different direction, but the RP turned out too lighthearted to use that idea. (And also, it would have referenced a short story that I'm confident no one but me has heard of, so what would have been the fun for anyone else?) I wound up just keeping the location, since it still worked for the "cold enough to be dangerous, but with a large and active population to require neuralyzation" angle.