Subject: Oh my....
Author:
Posted on: 2015-01-18 00:37:00 UTC
Prepare an Imperial Victory-class Star Destroyer!! We will blast them into Oblivion with an orbital bombardement! Victory or Sovgarde/Valhalla/Elysium/Heaven/become one with The Force!!!
I checked all over to see if it was already sporked ,but it wasnt so here you go (https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6895399/15/Here-Comes-the-Porn-Star) its not as bad as some of the things i have seen but i trought it would be nice to point it out in case anyone is in need of something to spork.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10075462/1/A-Secret-Past
I'm sorry, but... what? Like the Dragon!Sue fic I found, the amount of research put into this is astounding considering how ridiculous the premise is. This author knows Abraxas Malfoy and Orion Black, who are referenced obliquely at best in the main series.
Oh, and somehow Hermione Granger– sorry, "Kenna Gaunt" is the sister of Lucius Malfoy, Sirius Black, Augustus Rookwood, and the Lestrange brothers.
And she has four dads.
What.
(I hate using quotation marks for emphasis, but I don't know the markup for this place)
Does not compute. Does not compute. Does not compute.
Rhododendron, you have a phone call on Line One. Rhododendron, Line One. Thank you!
...maybe if I don't look directly at it, I can pretend it doesn't exist...
Wait, what? I don't know the fandom but an underage porn star is... @%#@#$^@@^%@#%^%#%$!!!!!
Is pretty much the premise of Harry Potter, with Greek demigods instead of wizards... So yeah, that very IDEA for a fic is in itself a very serious canon violation, in adition to whatever is behind those symbols that were written.
Have a +5 holy shovel. I'm not touching a fic with THAT title.
Wise words my friend.
It deals an extra 2d6 damage against evil creatures, and +5 to everything.
Cool!
...
Do Sues count as "Evil creatures"?
It would sound kind of insulting to all things evil if they were.
Well, the shovel treats them as evil.
Of course, an unholy shovel would treat them as good, and thus they'd take 2d6 damage from that.
Alignment stops mattering when Sues get involved. Just enjoy the fact that the magic shovel will hurt like hell.
(I love DnD/Pathfinder)
By the gods... What was (or is) this Suethor thinking!? An underage porn star... I.. don't even... Arrrrgh! AND HOW DARES TO DO THAT IN THE PERCY JACKSON-VERSE!!!! AAARRRRRR-----
*Message: Sorry, we are having technical difficulties sending the message.*
Uff... Uff.. Sorry about that. Welcome to the board! Here have a Ring of Power Without Power as a welcome gift.
You should see what happens in chapter five, sweet mercy.*shudders*
SEE!? I'm not touching that thing, even with the Riyu Jingu Bangu(Sun Wukong/Son Goku/Monkey King's staff that changes size)!
I don't much care for smut, so I didn't check it out... BUT PERCY JACKSON?! NOT IN MY SECOND-FAVORITE CONTINUUM, YOU DON'T! *hoists crowbar*
Order now and you get TWO Marty Stues for the price of one!
And they mention consuming a certain "bodily fluid" to gain the power of other demigods, and no it isn´t blood.
This is so many different kinds of wrong, I can't even...
For the love of Zeus and all the other gods and goddess of Olympus, oh Iximaz, please kill it!
For Olympus!! *charges forward*
Iximaz the brave would face against a monster of dubious lube and things that should not fit down there.
Only time shall tell if she would(will?) prevail against this evil.
(sorry for the will/would thing, i´m not sure which tense to use here)
As you have at your back, the might of the Knights of the Chivalry of Prontera and The Last Dragonborn!
The entire camp has been replaced. THE ENTIRE CAMP.
I'd be a massive douche and point out that the entirety of Rick Riordan's... work features a gaggle replacements of existing canon characters (i.e. the Greek and Roman pantheons), glossing over the less savoury aspects of certain among their number for reasons of kid-friendliness (cf. turning shapeshifting serial rapist Poseidon into someone's Grandad on a fishing holiday somewhere warm) and generally being about as accurate a representation - and interesting a use - of classical mythology as a Suefic is of a canon source... or possibly Stufic, since whether or not Percy Jackson (teenager with sword) is capable of defeating Ares (turned a teenager into a chicken once because he was moderately annoyed at him) without the aid of Because I Said So Of God, so to speak, I leave to more experienced members' discretion.
But I'm not a douche, so I won't. =]
Seriously, though, this is eminently missionable and I wish you the very best of luck. Despite what I said above, I do think the series has some potential and interesting ideas. I just wish they explored some other pantheons as well, like the Chinese or the Kuba ones. The Kuba creation myth is brilliant. It features a god, Nyonye-Ngana, whose entire role in Kuba mythology is to vomit termites and die. He is the worst god and he is precious bab. =]
he had to change some aspects to make it kid-friendly. I don't think parents want kids want to read about the gods' more *ahem* questionable interactions with mortals, or how some (like Artemis) demanded human sacrifice at some temples, or how Apollo and Artemis together killed fourteen kids because Queen Niobe insulted their own mother, Leto. And don't get me started on Artemjs turning her most loyal follower into a bear because said follower had the audacity to get raped by Zeus.
And the recently-published Percy Jackson's Greek Gods is a lot more accurate to the source material, and even calls rape by name. It doesn't dance around much, to be honest.
I will agree with the whole 'Percy beating Ares' thing; that was not one of the canon's better moments.
Have you read The Kane Chronicles? It's set in the same universe, but about Egyptian mythology, and he has another series coming out later called Gods of Asgard or some such, also set in the same universe.
What, like pretty much every other fantasy series in need of mystical powers and a dash of vaguely-educational cultchaa so parents don't feel as bad about buying them for their kids?
My point is, we see pantheons like that all the time. It's usually just Greco-Roman stuff, but there are so many other legendaria from outside the Scanditerranean Mythological Co-Prosperity Sphere that have fantastic stories! Go all out! Go for something that hasn't been done a bajillion time before! Actually, that's a point, this is all set in the continental US so... why on Earth hasn't he done anything from a Native American/First Nations religion? First thing I'd think to do if I was an American other than Mormonism, and Twilight's got that particular base covered.
That and I don't care for Riordan's writing style, but mine ain't up to much either without a healthy dose of the editorial Correcting Blackjack.
(Translation: when Scapegrace was a little Scapegrace, she read the first one on holiday in Greece and was bored rigid by it, so decided to amuse herself by picking as many holes in it as she could. I don't begrudge Riordan his success any more than I begrudge Stephenie Meyer hers, but I don't like the books and I am genuinely baffled they're as popular as they are. I mean, did they get better later on? I always assumed they must have...)
I've loved the series for a long time, and if you don't, that's fine. I won't argue with you about it. I just think it was a nice modern adaptation of Greek mythology, and it's just as important to my childhood as Harry Potter.
The reason why his books are about 'classical' mythology is probably because he used to teach that. Still, that's not to say he'll never write about less well-known mythologies in the future; he made allusions to Native American (namely Cherokee) and Chinese mythology in his Heros of Olympus series, and from what little prior knowledge I had, it seemed fairly accurate. And yes, his writing has definitely gotten better in the later books. Or at least, I think so.
But hey, if you have a sporking of it, I'd read it! I'd like to see some non-fan's perspective of it.
I just have a lot of... well, hatred's sort of the wrong word... eh, I just think it could have been done better than it was, especially Percy.
However, if it's a parody you want, you could do a lot worse than Benjamin Sniddlegrass and the Cauldron of Penguins, which is a film and features a lot of very odd things and is hilarious. Well, I found it funny, at least.
Here's a proper film critic talking about it on national radio. =]
Just wait for athena and the other Olympians.
Prepare an Imperial Victory-class Star Destroyer!! We will blast them into Oblivion with an orbital bombardement! Victory or Sovgarde/Valhalla/Elysium/Heaven/become one with The Force!!!
We can do better than that, bucko.
Much better.
>=]
(okay so we don't have that stuff on hand rn but the point is u can do it if u try =)
I know that could be much better, I could have recommended a Death Star, The Galaxy Gun, a Sun Crusher or a Sun Eater, but for the sake of THE REST OF THE PLANET decided to reduce the firepower to something capable of leveling only Camp Half-Blood (and the sorrounding countryside, but that is an acceptable loss), and would not transform it into an irradiated wasteland.
I am genuinely horrified by this fic.
Hey, DOGA, could I also borrow a Sun Crusher while I'm at it?
Well... a stu is planning to release him, i think, i don´t recall it has been a while since i read it.
Be grateful it has not been updated in a long time.
It´s already long enough with 15 effing chapters.
And one of them BLOCKS other demigods powers!
Have you considered introducing your self to the board?
I´ll do it right away!
Also, hi newbie! Your gifts are a bottle of hand sanitizer (just in case, y'know) and a snowglobe with a lighthouse in it!
Hand sanitizer is ALWAYS useful and the snowglobe sure is pretty!
Oh, hello! If you're new, welcome to the Board. Have this Steam-Powered Gazelle as a gift! It enjoys nuts, bolts, and getting caught in the rain during beach walks.
I do hope it can get on well with the urple snake iximaz just gave me
*puts iximaz on the shelf with Izimax and Iximax*
Psst, Pandaslowpoke, I know this is the internet and all, but here we like proper grammar and punctuation and stuff. Just thought I'd let you know. ;)
If so, have this freshly-made plate of SPaGhetti and a chirping urple snake!
Thanks for the SPaGhetti and the chirping urple snake.
Now if you excuse me i´ll go keep reading trough the bad webcomics wiki