Subject: Congratulations!
Author:
Posted on: 2014-12-01 01:11:00 UTC
Not bad for a first outing. And Arceus, did that Sue make absolutely no sense! Why would a pair of Pokémon hide out as humans? How--and WHY--would said Pokémon imprison others in an apartment complex's basement? And if you're a Pokémon, then for what reason are you going on a Trainer journey?! I'd understand a journey to figure out how to turn back into a human, but a Trainer journey? Again, why?!
*deep breaths*
Either way, good work on this mission. Not too long, and it got the job done.
There are a few errors, however:
Not having the tilde over the e in Pokémon is understandable...
Wrong word, there. The "tilde" is that little squiggly symbol that goes above the N in certain Spanish words (i.e., this symbol: ~ ).
The marking that you wanted to talk about is this one: ´
This marking is called an "acute accent". However, it would make sense to just say "accent"; unless the language being referred to has multiple accents, the word "accent" by itself usually implies the acute accent (of course, that is when the word is used of an accent marking, as opposed to a speaker's accent).
a sheep-like Pokémon with fluffy cream-colored wool and a blue head/legs.
That description is a bit awkward: it seems to say that its head is its legs. What you really want to say is that both its legs and its head are blue.
Therefore, just say so. Consider this fix: a sheep-like Pokémon with fluffy cream-colored wool, a bare, blue-skinned head, and similarly-colored legs.
I didn't warn her about the gruesome death of the Character Replacement we were supposed to kill.
Memory serving, not!Ludlow was one of multiple Character Replacements in the fic, yes? In that case, wouldn't it make more sense to change the article? That is, say "a Character Replacement," as opposed to "the Character Replacement."
He’d done it right; the Sue’s apartment complex was clearly visible through the portal. “Miguel, would you mind carrying Mareep this time?” Ami asked.
Minor nitpick here: I think a paragraph break between the two sentences would be in order. Remember that the previous paragraph focused on Falchion, and this paragraph starts of with the results of Falchion's efforts. To have the same paragraph inexplicably switch to Ami is a bit disorienting.
Falchion instinctively blocked the attack with his large wingspan before tossing the RA to Chris. It was lucky that in the Pokémon games, Normal-types are immune to Ghost-type attacks.
I was a bit confused when I first saw this sentence; it took me a while to remember that Falchion was disguised as a Fearow in this mission. You might want to make that fact a bit more explicit.
She struck out with a Stomp attack at Replacement!Mewtwo, kicking him into the wall behind him, but at the same time, a Shadow Ball caught her in the chest and sent her sprawling, somehow forced back into her human form.
That bolded word should be "forcing"; you're using it as a participle here.