Subject: Okay, let's take a look.
Author:
Posted on: 2014-11-11 10:19:00 UTC
You: well, I recognise your name, and you don't set off any mental alarm bells, so no problem there. ;)
Characters:
Chris - seems fairly inoffensive. I'm glad you highlighted that Meganium only comes along in Pokeverse missions - that's been a rule for a long time, which is why Jay and Acacia never took their minis in with them. Plus the fact that he's essentially a living weapon - yeah, good call.
(Random thought - if Chris comes across Agent Falchion in the corridors, would he try to battle him? What would happen if a PPC agent got himself stuffed into a Pokeball? Eek.)
Ami - why isn't it pronounced 'Ami'? I'm assuming naming her 'Friend' was deliberate, here, in which case, nice one. ;) Again, no real problems here (do ponies have glasses? I'm assuming so, since you don't include that under 'confused by modern technology'; if not, a story where she gets them is always fun). The magic seems low-key enough not to be a problem. I'm guessing it'll still work when she's in disguise, since it's not specifically related to a physical attribute - you say it's 'channelled' through her horn, but actually invoked by music (very Tolkien, that).
So yeah, no problems there. On to the meat of things: the samples.
Control Prompt - Hey, this is good! I'm pretty sure I just wasted my time reading the bios - this story covers pretty much everything I needed to know. The one thing I flagged up as 'huh?' is Chris apparently being 'deadpan' when he explains a Pokeball - usually that word indicates 'saying something funny/telling an outrageous lie and not letting it show', which isn't what he does.
(Also, Velociraptor has feathers, not fur, but I guess you're thinking 'down-type feathers' here. Well done on giving an otherwise accurate depiction of it!)
I really like the fact that Meganium is a significant player in this story, but is also not stealing centre-stage - the two agents are the real stars.
Random Prompt - this one has a feel of being something of an afterthought. I like the setting, but you spent more time explaining the game than anything else. Still, it does give a nice look at their interactions.
I was disappointed that you didn't do something with the singing aspect of Ami's magic - it seems like it would be a perfect opportunity to show that off. And, of course, you have her glaring at Chris - which would be fine if you hadn't specifically described her as being almost ridiculously nice. I agree with her sentiment, but I'd expect something more sad than angry from her.
Oh, and you lost the final speech mark in the story, which may contribute to the 'afterthought' feel.
But still - despite some strange sentence structures ("I did both of them because I have no idea which one’s lead" is the one that makes absolutely no sense to me), it shows off Chris' personality well, and gives a peek into Ami's alongside it. And, for that matter, it shows how you'd write an 'action' scene; not bad.
Conclusion - in case you can't tell from the generally positive tone of the above, I'm going to go with Permission Granted. Have fun!
hS
PS: How difficult did you find the Permission process? Was there anything you think was less than helpful? Can you suggest any improvements? Conversely, did anything we needed help you develop your characters more? Since I keep revising the process, I figure feedback is probably a good idea. ;)