Kira's story of dominition

Two things by Storme Hawk on 2014-10-28 20:34:00 UTC Reply

First off, something that I believe is slightly unorthodox, whilst walking a couple of days back I came up with an idea for a setting for a story, and I've developed it slightly into an (unbeta'd) story/thing, that after a small bit of thought I decided to post on the board and let other people, look at it (and if the want) write stories/whatever with it if they feel that way inclined. Warnings: Mentions death (in fact, death is a large part of it) and does provide an 'alternate' look on things like the afterlife, and does mention Gods, Angels, Demons (by name). So if you think it might offend/upset you, please don't read.
story/thing link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GiVC4OzfL4dyli42fGSDNhZymjR8AYp3GzF7yPDpaig/edit?usp=sharing
Music I was listening at time I came up with idea (so you don't think i'm that kind of creepy person who thinks of death all the time): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsVlfuWCRpw
Secondly
WARNING: NSFW, I REPEAT N! S! F! W!

one badfic: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10499949/1/Kira-s-story-of-domination *shudders* (also NSFW, potentially NSFB at points)
I've been monitoring this one for a small while. Set in the Mass Effect universe, this contains a Sue (and maybe more), A 'cute' animal friend, lots of possession, OOCness and general character warping, large amounts of bad romance (most if not all of it femslash) and the literal act of sticking man bits on a female(s) *shudders again* also bad SPaG, but that's somehow relatively minor compared to everything else.

Badfic part over.

Consider the first part a present for Halloween and the second part a 'present' for Halloween.

Storme Hawk.
The guy who really needs to find some brain bleach.

Nice by the Irish Samurai on 2014-11-11 13:00:00 UTC Reply

I like your Soul Collector story, you've got some really nice ideas for the setting in there. I particularly the image of a bunch of Collectors all trying to pick the lock to get at a guy that's sealed himself up.

Good choice of music to go with it too - I saw the document title as the youtube page was loading and instantly knew what song I'd pick.

There's a few grammar issues, mostly sentences that seem to go on for far too long - the last sentence of the first paragraph is over half the length of the paragraph, and could easily be broken up into 2 or 3 sentences. He's supposed to be talking to the reader, and doubt I could talk for that long without having to stop for breath. There are a few others sentences like that too.

While not technically incorrect, there are a couple of points where it feels like you're missing emphasis. For example, 'You see I’m a Soul Collector, not the Soul Collector' - I don't know much about this guy's character, so maybe he wouldn't put any inflection on those words, but if it had been me saying it I would have stressed them.

Also, near the beginning he says 'you see I made a deal with the devil, yes there’s a devil and yes I made a deal with one', then toward the end he refers to 'this guy we call Lucifer, whether he’s the devil himself or not we don’t care'. That seems contradictory - first he's telling us that the devil is definitely real, and that he made a deal with him, and then he's telling us that he's unsure if Lucifer is the devil or not. Surely he'd know whether or not the guy he made the deal with was Lucifer or someone else?

It's a cool idea, and I'd certainly read more of it. If you do decide to write any more, and want a beta, let me know.
Kira's story of dominition by Tigeress on 2014-10-29 17:10:00 UTC Reply

What the heck did I just read? >.>

I'm fairly certain I warned you. (nm) by Storme Hawk on 2014-10-29 20:23:00 UTC Reply