Subject: RE: Mission Two
Author:
Posted on: 2014-10-26 00:26:00 UTC

Nice work! You don't have to worry about finding time to collaborate with me just yet, by the way; I haven't quite finished my prompts yet (yes, I prewrote my permission prompts, don't judge me), and am super busy with college stuff to boot.

Anyway, concrit time! Your narration and dialogue are a little long-winded in places, but that might be because I had no idea how to change some parts and so left them alone. Take this from the first paragraph of Act Two, for example:

"She had just finished her appointment with the Kudzu some ten minutes ago, during which she’d also had a run-in with Violet. The canon’s leg had been regenerated completely, and any memories of her disastrous vacation to Isla Sorna were long gone by now. Rashida hadn’t stuck around for long, but Violet had at least asked her how Sarah was doing. She was told that her friend was fine, but that she’d be staying with her until further notice, though correspondence with the canon was not out of the question. While Violet was led off to be returned to her family, the Sphinx agent decided to make use of her time by picking up her prescription sedative from Medical, where she struck up a talk with Dr. Appleday about the previous mission."

Yeah. Those are some very involved sentences right there. I found a website some time ago that has advice on being laconic, among other writing tips you probably knew already.

Another thing I noticed is your penchant for referring to Falchion as "the (disguised) Skarmory Agent" and Rashida as "the Sphinx Agent". Leaving off the "Agent" is fine if you need to distinguish them from other characters or something; in paragraphs where they're the only two present, it comes across as weird and overly formal.

Speaking of Falchion, does he really need to refer to Rashida as "Mean Old Rosie" so often? It comes across as juvenile even for him. Just "Rosie" or "Rose" (and "Rashida" in really serious parts) would do just as well.

Thank you again for letting me beta-read your mission. I enjoyed working on it! *hugs*

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