Subject: Re: Mission Two, Collabs, and Rocks. Lots of Rocks.
Author:
Posted on: 2014-10-26 00:24:00 UTC
Darn it, now I've got to revise my mission because I had mini-Snakes.
Subject: Re: Mission Two, Collabs, and Rocks. Lots of Rocks.
Author:
Posted on: 2014-10-26 00:24:00 UTC
Darn it, now I've got to revise my mission because I had mini-Snakes.
Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Wow, that was quicker than I thought! But yeah, this one's pretty short, and I hope I did well enough with the narrative this time (especially in light of the badfic being sporked).
The mission after this one is going to be a collab with Desdendelle, and I'm probably going to do one with eatpraylove as well. The problem is that my schedule is almost completely booked by research for most of the week, and I'm only available for limited time periods (I'll send 'em by PM to my partners later). I wonder if we can work something out based on this constraint?
Lastly, I've found a new type of mini! doctorlit really liked the choice of mini-Boulders for the Indiana Jones continuum, which was a spur-of-the-moment thing on my part. The last page of this mission lists all of the minis I found while writing it. I'll see if I can put a new mini page on the Wiki, but until then, if anyone wants to adopt a pet rock to deck some Suvian faces in, please let me know! :)
And I... can't remember if I had anything to say about it. Ehm... trollfics can be fun to spork, but don't do too many of them - it's more fun, I think, to see the stories which are pointed in vaguely the right direction (and missing terribly) than to just read an essentially random series of events while the agents say 'This makes no sense! This really makes no sense!' etc.
And, ehm... oh yes: mini-Boulders. Cute. Though I'm seriously shocked that you didn't go down the Geodude route.
hS
I don't really have anything to add in terms of concrit. I'll be looking forward to you next mission.
I just had to laugh- the rolling boulder is so iconic, it's very fitting!
I absolutely loved this mission, though I do have to say Rashida seems a little too fond of greatly injuring her partner... even if her desire to do so is totally justified.
And, uh, if you ever wanted to do a mission with me, I'd be totally up for it! *hint, hint*
Falchion muttered to himself, still held in the Troll’s huge arm as he wondered whether he had any tissues to pick the up the new mini with.
There is one "the" too much.
but neither of the World One figures the people you ate correspond to have any Speshul abilities to begin with.
This looks weird to me, although I cannot exactly say what’s wrong with it. I suspect that the sentence was rephrased, but words which are no longer necessary were not removed.
Great mission again. I liked how you used Sarah’s impatience to make Falchion ignore Rashida’s advice and go into the badfic unprepared.
HG
A great second mission, though a bit short. Oh, and catchy title.
You've admirably handled that trollfic. Are you planning on having all three of your characters working together on a mission sometime in the future?
A few nitpicks, though:
so if you think I’ll let you Weavile your way out of this mess
Did you consider having Falchion say "Sneasel your way out" instead? IMO, that would make the pun easier to grasp.
doing unspeakable things in full view him
I believe you want to say "in full view of him"?
flapping his arms in a crude butterfly-stroke like a sea eagle with its wings.
This clause could use a bit more clarification. Personally, I think that the sentence should have ended at "butterfly-stroke," since the image was clear enough at that point; IMO, the rest muddied up the picture.
Alternatively, consider adding a verb: "like a sea eagle does with its wings". As presently written, I had trouble piecing the sentence together.
“i am goin to END YO!!!” The Troll roared in fury before charging at Sarah.
Did the Troll roar that line, or did he say that line, then roar? As written, it must be interpreted in the latter fashion. Otherwise, the word "the" needs to have a lowercase T.
Nice work! You don't have to worry about finding time to collaborate with me just yet, by the way; I haven't quite finished my prompts yet (yes, I prewrote my permission prompts, don't judge me), and am super busy with college stuff to boot.
Anyway, concrit time! Your narration and dialogue are a little long-winded in places, but that might be because I had no idea how to change some parts and so left them alone. Take this from the first paragraph of Act Two, for example:
"She had just finished her appointment with the Kudzu some ten minutes ago, during which she’d also had a run-in with Violet. The canon’s leg had been regenerated completely, and any memories of her disastrous vacation to Isla Sorna were long gone by now. Rashida hadn’t stuck around for long, but Violet had at least asked her how Sarah was doing. She was told that her friend was fine, but that she’d be staying with her until further notice, though correspondence with the canon was not out of the question. While Violet was led off to be returned to her family, the Sphinx agent decided to make use of her time by picking up her prescription sedative from Medical, where she struck up a talk with Dr. Appleday about the previous mission."
Yeah. Those are some very involved sentences right there. I found a website some time ago that has advice on being laconic, among other writing tips you probably knew already.
Another thing I noticed is your penchant for referring to Falchion as "the (disguised) Skarmory Agent" and Rashida as "the Sphinx Agent". Leaving off the "Agent" is fine if you need to distinguish them from other characters or something; in paragraphs where they're the only two present, it comes across as weird and overly formal.
Speaking of Falchion, does he really need to refer to Rashida as "Mean Old Rosie" so often? It comes across as juvenile even for him. Just "Rosie" or "Rose" (and "Rashida" in really serious parts) would do just as well.
Thank you again for letting me beta-read your mission. I enjoyed working on it! *hugs*
Darn it, now I've got to revise my mission because I had mini-Snakes.