Concrit

Subject: Concrit
Author: doctorlit
Posted on: 2014-10-14 05:59:00 UTC

You're right that this scene loses some of its power without knowing its context within your spin-off. That said, it's still a powerful scene, with lots of emotion. It also does a fairly good job at hinting at the precedents it's breaking, so that it still gives the reader a good idea of what's happening, in general, between these characters. All in all, it's a decent "teaser" for your spin-off, as it shows off the personalities of and interactions between your agents.

I wish I had more to say, but it's a little tough without knowing more about your characters. Sorry!

And now, welcome to doctorlit's trademark list of errors:
"RC 1953 had been quite for a too long time . . ."
-"Quite" should be "quiet."
-"For a too long time" is phrased weirdly. Alternatives would be, "for too long a time" or just "for too long."

". . . commanded the woman, 'and out of this robes.'"
-"This" could be either "these" or "those," since "robes" is a plural word.

". . . while his forehead, which she had just rubbed dry, covered with small drops of sweat."
-If you ignore the phrase separated with commas, the sentence, "His forehead covered with drops of sweat" has no verb. You need a "was" in between "dry" and "covered."

". . . shoved her hands under his axles, and pulled him . . ."
-I'm not sure about British English, but in American English, "axle" isn't used as a synonym for "shoulder" commonly anymore. I would suggest just saying "shoulder" here.

"Hieronymus eyes widened in alarm . . ."
"Hieronymus" needs an apostrophe to show that his eyes are being talked about. Since "Hieronymus" is a proper name ending is "s," an apostrophe-s is added: "Hieronymous's." (If it were a common noun ending in "s," like "grass," it would only get an apostrophe: "the grass' color.")

"'Look, we got you out of this glittering robes . . ."
-"Robes" is plural, and the robes being talked about in this sentence have been pushed away (meaning far, rather than near), so you would use "those" instead of "this" here.

"Hieronymus eyes widened even more when his partner wriggled out of her robes and threw it across the room."
-Again, "Hieronymous's."
-Since "robes" is plural, use "them" instead of "it."

". . . shoved one arm under her partners neck and started . . ."
-"Partners" needs an apostrophe between the main word and the "s" to show ownership. It should be "partner's."

"It can all go directly into the garbage chute."
-This sentence is missing the quotation mark at the end.

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Fifth Monthlyish PPC Writing Challenge: 'Precedent'. by Huinesoron on 2014-10-06 11:13:00 UTC Reply

Ahahahaha. 'Monthlyish'. For anyone just tuning in, the last 'Monthlyish' challenge was in September 2013. And the first one was in... well, I can't actually find it in the archives!. So here's the description from the first one, yet again:

Here at the PPC we're very big on writing. We write missions, we rant about the bad writing in badfics, we even play games like Fill The Plothole, which consist of, yep, writing. But at no point do we all sit down and try to improve our writing together.

So. The objective of the Monthly PPC Writing Challenge is to write a short story to a set theme, and then give useful, constructive criticism to other participants.

Here are The Rules:

-Write a (reasonably short) story in response to the Theme below, and post it on this thread. You may use a beta if you wish, but it is not required.
-Give constructive criticism (at least one positive point, at least one negative with suggestions for improvement) to at least one other submission.
-You may rewrite your story based on concrit you receive and repost it, but this is not required.
-Obvious fact, but no flaming! This isn't like the Badfic Contest - the goal here is to write a good story and get feedback from the community.
-You do not require Permission to participate in the Challenge. Neither do your agents need to be approved for you to use them.
-However, nothing written for the Challenge is considered part of the PPC Canon unless you do have Permission, and explicitly claim it as canon.

I think that covers it. Remember that both the writing and the giving of concrit are part of the challenge. (And no, there's no time limit - but there's not usually much point posting on a thread that's left the front page)

And this month's Theme:

Break precedent.

(It might help to include a note at the end of your story of which precedent(s) you/your agents are breaking)

And remember... have fun!

hS

Aftermath by Hieronymus Graubart on 2014-10-11 22:53:00 UTC Reply

RC 1953 had been quite for a too long time, so it was no surprise when a blue portal popped into existence and a pair of black-robed figures stumbled out of it. One of them was a young woman with very long, very pointy ears. Her arms were clutched around the elder male's shoulders in an attempt to hold him upright in front of her. But it did not do much good. She could barely keep her balance when he fell to his knees and bent over, his hands pressed on his belly.

The front of the man's cloak was soaked in glitter, and purple stains were all over his face and beard. He coughed and heaved, like he would vomit, but his already empty stomach had nothing to give up anymore. He cringed. A wilver knife fell to the floor.

“On your knees again, Hieronymus?” asked the night elf in a mislead attempt to joke. “You know this is not necessary in front of me.” The man coughed and heaved even more. “Get up on your feet,” commanded the woman, “and out of this robes. Then wash your face and you will feel better, I promise.” Hieronymus shook his head. “Oh, well then. Let me get some facecloths and towels.”

When she returned, her partner was still on his knees, his head bent and his gaze fixated on the stained knife. “Don't look at this thing!“ shouted Androia, carefully averting her eyes as she kicked the wilver knife into the space under the console. “I told you we should not keep it. Look at me!” But when she had dropped the towels onto the console, she had to grip the male's hair and pull his head back before she could start to clean his face with a wet flannel. Hieronymus appeared to be in a catatonic state.

“You know,” said Androia, “this would be much easier if your face were less furry. Maybe I should get some scissors.” Hieronymus did not react at all. Androia looked really worried now. Deciding that, even if he did not object, removing the beard he was so proud of should only be a last resort, she continued to wipe and rub. “Next time you cut somebody's throat,” she scolded, “remember that you should not be in front of them. Although I must admit that approaching the Sue like you intended to confess your unending love was a brilliant move.”

“Don't,” croaked Hieronymus.

This was at least something. “Don't what?” asked Androia. But Hieronymus had fallen back into silence and shivering. His skin felt cold as ice, while his forehead, which she had just rubbed dry, covered with small drops of sweat. Get rid of the glitter, thought Androia, and keep him warm. She looked around frantically. Three steps to the bedroom's door behind Hieronymus' back. But the door was closed and she would not have a free hand to open it. Then there was the other possibility. Androia made a decision that appeared to be rational, shoved her hands under his axles, and pulled him up and forwards to the pile of blankets in the far corner of the RC. Having arrived, she unbuttoned his robes and, without further ado, pulled it down, just in time before she could not longer stand his weight.

Hieronymus eyes widened in alarm when he was dropped on the blankets. “But – that's your bed,” he stammered.

“There is no need to worry. It is okay for now.” Androia knelt down, pulled the topmost blanket over her partner and tried to wrap him in. “Look, we got you out of this glittering robes, and now we have to keep you warm, then you will soon feel better, I am sure. – Oh, no!” Looking down, she had suddenly realized that it would have been much better to remove Hieronymus' robes before she had dragged him to her chest. The glitter was all over her robes now as well.

Hieronymus eyes widened even more when his partner wriggled out of her robes and threw it across the room.

“There,” she said, “it is all gone. Now let us keep you warm and comfortable.” Androia laid down on the blankets, shoved one arm under her partners neck and started to caress his face with the other hand. “Now, now,” she soothed. “It will get better soon.”

“It wasn't the glitter,” moaned Hieronymus. “Nor the wilver.” And then it broke out of him. “Androia! I just murdered a girl!”

Androia sat up and looked down at the man. “This is not what happened,” she said sternly. “Mary Sue is not a person. It is a concept that needs to be eradicated. I learned this from you. Do you remember? And you did not murder it. You saved my life when it held me at wand point and was about to use the killing curse on me.”

“I know all this. But if it looks like a person, moves like a person, talks like a person –“

“If it looks too good to be real, moves faster than a whirlwind and talks everybody into oblivion – come on, Hieronymus, you have read all the reports, and you have been there. It never bothered you when you watched me doing the Duty.”

“That's true, but I still wasn't prepared for how it would feel to do it myself.” Hieronymus shuddered, but then he shoved the blankets aside and sat up. “We should clean up,” he said boldly.

Androia glanced over the heaps of glittering clothes. “No need to hurry,” she said. “Any attempt to wash this stuff would be futile. It can all go directly into the garbage chute. She looked back at Hieronymus. “Do you feel better now?”

Hieronymus nodded, standing up. “I'm okay.”

He was quite obviously lying.

“There is one thing I do not understand,” said Androia. “Why are you even here when you cannot stand the killing?”

Because you are here, and I would do everything to be with you, would have been the honest answer. “I can't tell you,” said Hieronymus instead, on his way to the console.

“Why not?”

“There's no time,” answered Hieronymus, starting to program a portal. “We'll be sooo in trouble if I don't clean up the mess I made, puking all over the Slytherin common room.”

Androia wanted to hug him. But apparently he did not want to be comforted anymore. And considering their current state, it would probably be inappropriate. “It may already be too late,” she said. “And don't you think that we should get dressed first?”

-------------

I should probably have set the precedences first, before I break them.

But you may have guessed that usually Androia does the killing.

You may also have noticed that Androia sleeps on the floor because she doesn't want to share a bedroom, let alone a bed, with her (strictly professional) partner.

I'm not sure, but don't these hurt/comfort scenes always end with sex, or at least a confession of love?

In case you wonder why Androia didn't take her partner to Medical: this is a precedent not broken yet. Androia Avatar was designed to be a one-woman-army able to go wherever she is sent to on her own. She doesn't call for help.

(The miraculous sudden healing may not be understandable without the back-story that is always hinted at, but never spelled out. In short, at this time Androia may or may still not be aware that Hieronymus is her creator and tried to snatch her out of the game for the sole purpose of seducing her. I keep this ambiguous, because I don't know when it will happen, it depends on when I find a mission where it fits. So Androia's shock therapy may be deliberate or totally innocent. Anyway, seeing his dreams come true in this unexpected and unwanted way is a greater shock for Hieronymus then whatever may have happened during the mission. Being aware that Androia would be horrified if she realized the unfortunate implications – supposing that she doesn't know exactly what she is doing there – Hieronymus just cannot let this continue. Because he cares for his partner as much as she cares for him.)

The provisional claim of RC 1953 is still pending (me asking for) Permission.

HG

Concrit by doctorlit on 2014-10-14 05:59:00 UTC Reply

You're right that this scene loses some of its power without knowing its context within your spin-off. That said, it's still a powerful scene, with lots of emotion. It also does a fairly good job at hinting at the precedents it's breaking, so that it still gives the reader a good idea of what's happening, in general, between these characters. All in all, it's a decent "teaser" for your spin-off, as it shows off the personalities of and interactions between your agents.

I wish I had more to say, but it's a little tough without knowing more about your characters. Sorry!

And now, welcome to doctorlit's trademark list of errors:
"RC 1953 had been quite for a too long time . . ."
-"Quite" should be "quiet."
-"For a too long time" is phrased weirdly. Alternatives would be, "for too long a time" or just "for too long."

". . . commanded the woman, 'and out of this robes.'"
-"This" could be either "these" or "those," since "robes" is a plural word.

". . . while his forehead, which she had just rubbed dry, covered with small drops of sweat."
-If you ignore the phrase separated with commas, the sentence, "His forehead covered with drops of sweat" has no verb. You need a "was" in between "dry" and "covered."

". . . shoved her hands under his axles, and pulled him . . ."
-I'm not sure about British English, but in American English, "axle" isn't used as a synonym for "shoulder" commonly anymore. I would suggest just saying "shoulder" here.

"Hieronymus eyes widened in alarm . . ."
"Hieronymus" needs an apostrophe to show that his eyes are being talked about. Since "Hieronymus" is a proper name ending is "s," an apostrophe-s is added: "Hieronymous's." (If it were a common noun ending in "s," like "grass," it would only get an apostrophe: "the grass' color.")

"'Look, we got you out of this glittering robes . . ."
-"Robes" is plural, and the robes being talked about in this sentence have been pushed away (meaning far, rather than near), so you would use "those" instead of "this" here.

"Hieronymus eyes widened even more when his partner wriggled out of her robes and threw it across the room."
-Again, "Hieronymous's."
-Since "robes" is plural, use "them" instead of "it."

". . . shoved one arm under her partners neck and started . . ."
-"Partners" needs an apostrophe between the main word and the "s" to show ownership. It should be "partner's."

"It can all go directly into the garbage chute."
-This sentence is missing the quotation mark at the end.

Thank you for the feedback by Hieronymus Graubart on 2014-10-14 12:25:00 UTC Reply

Should I waste a Permission Givers’ time so that I can set up agent pages gathering everything I learned about Androia and Hieronymus in writing exercises and the badfic games? I’m still not sure whether I will ever want to write actual missions with them (the necessity to read the badfic first bothers me).

I remember that I intended to write "for too long a time"; I must have changed it unconsciously because this way it would be weird in German.

The dictionary gave me "armpits" or "axles" for what I wanted to say. "Axles" sounds closer to the German word, but since it’s unusual, I’ll use "armpits".

I learned something new today, concerning "Hieronymus's eyes" versus "the grass' color".

My greatest mistake is still posting too fast because the thread is already halfway down the page. Thank you for pointing out the errors that shouldn’t have escaped my alpha reading.

HG

It's not a waste of time! by doctorlit on 2014-10-14 17:23:00 UTC Reply

Headquarters has become such a big place, you could easily write decades' worth of material just showing Hieronymous and Androia exploring it.

Plus, there are so many departments and divisions that don't necessarily need to involve badfic. There's the Cafeteria and kitchens, DoSAT, Experiments and Research, Legal . . . You could also try some Intel work, so that you can look at the badfics through a more traditionally critical eye, without having to focus on every little problem.

Another solution would be to simply make up badfics for missions. I've never tried this myself, so I don't know what it's like, but a lot of older spin-offs especially took this path. It would give you more control over what happened in the missions, and you wouldn't have to deal with anything worse than what you can imagine yourself. :)

"Day Trip" by KittyEden on 2014-10-09 11:37:00 UTC Reply

Taking my Agents Kitty and Kay out for a spin. They're brother and sister, and Kay's the calm and logical one. Kitty... doesn't have much regard for rules.
Phoebe is a OC that is just popping up for fun!
---
DAY TRIP
---
“-and this,” said Kitty, throwing open the elaborately decorated door with a flourish. “is our response center. Hi, Kay!”
“Hey, Kitty,” her brother greeted, without looking up from the copy of Harry Potter he was focused on. “How many rules did you break today?”
She fidgeted a bit. “Ah, just one. Or two. Maybe. Come on in, Phoebe.”
The other girl looked strangely reluctant to enter the room. Maybe it was the odd splotches of Urple and Wilver that streaked the walls. Or maybe it was the Sue head nailed to the wall.
Kay banged his head against the page of the book. “Don’t tell me that you brought one of your friends into HQ for a tour.”
She shrugged. “Okay. I didn’t bring one of my friends into HQ for a tour. Come on, Phoebe,” she tugged at her friend’s arm. “The minis don’t bite. Much.”
“But that’s Phoebe!” Kay objected, jabbing a finger in the other girl’s direction. “I remember her! She came to your 12th birthday party! She was the one with the ice cream-”
“We don’t mention the ice cream,” Phoebe snapped, finding her voice at last, and sliding into the room. “Nice place. Apart from, you know, the body parts nailed to the wall-”
“It adds to the decor,” Kitty grinned.
There was a loud siren from outside. Everyone inside the room jumped simultaneously.
“...did you actually tell anyone you let Phoebe into the building?” Kay asked.
“I may have forgotten to mention that small fact,” Kitty admitted.
“What’s that noise?” Phoebe poked her head out the door.
“Internal Affairs,” Kitty told her, and motioned out into the hallway. “We should probably... you know, run.”
“Internal Affairs?” Phoebe screeched, allowing herself to be tugged along. “What sort of staffing do you have in this place?”
Kitty broke into a quick sprint, and Phoebe let go so she could run at a normal pace beside her. “Let me put it this way. IA usually deals with the agents who are a little too trigger happy.”
Phoebe snorted. “What sort of people do they hire here? Homicidal assassins?”
“Yes!”
They rounded a corner, and passed the open door of a Flower’s office. Phoebe stopped and stared for a moment. “Was that a flower in a business suit?”
“Flower,” corrected Kitty. “Capital ‘F’. And yes! They’re our bosses!”
“Where are we even going?”
“Don’t think about it!”
Kitty closed her eyes, and hastily slapped a hand across her friend’s forehead. She yelped in surprise.
“Recite the 12 times tables backwards!” the junior Agent ordered. “12 times 12 is 144... 12 times 11 is 132...”
Phoebe, being slightly in front, was the first of them to slam face-first into the Cafeteria door. Kitty opened her eyes and grinned. “Welcome to the Cafeteria, my dear friend!”
“That sounds weird,” Phoebe decided. “Don’t call me that. You have a Cafeteria?”
“Yeah, you don’t expect us to starve, do you?”
“Well, from what you’ve told me... hey, what’s in that fountain? It doesn’t look like water.”
Kitty pushed the doors open and dragged Phoebe through them. “Bleepka. Don’t drink it unless you want to get utterly high.”
“What’s-?”
“Bleepka? It’s bleach, mixed with aspirin, mixed with vodka.”
Phoebe frowned, remembering her chemistry classes. “But, that’s realistically impossible.”
Kitty spun around, and pointed a finger at her. “YES, I KNOW. Everyone knows that, and they don’t care. But it works. And don’t remind them that it doesn’t, ‘cause they may start trying to kill you. And we are very creative here.”
So saying, she continued her stalk down to a table, where she waved at a couple of elfin agents, and greeted a Time Lord in Old High Gallifreyan.
“Right,” she decided. “Try a hamburger. They’re wicked good. But avoid the Sue Souffles.”
She herself walked over to the counter and ordered three Canon Cookies, before swooping back to the table, and peering intently over at Phoebe. “So what do you think?”
“Of this place?”
“Yeah.”
She wrinkled her nose. “I think... it’s utterly insane.”
Kitty wiggled her toes under the table. “I know! Isn’t it great?”
Phoebe looked slightly unsure. “Uh...”
Behind Kitty, a cat-woman spat up a giant hairball, then walked away, leaving the clump of hair on a table.
“And the best thing is,” Kitty continued, oblivious. “We can do whatever we want! Basically.”
“Kitty,” Phoebe said quietly. “Can I go home now?”
“Why?”
“Because I think Internal Affairs is here now.”
A crash from the doors signified the arrival of the aforementioned Action Department. Phoebe backed away slightly, but Kitty was unconcerned.
“Hello!” she waved cheerfully. “If you wanted a Canon Cookie, sorry, but you’re out of luck. Now, if you had arrived about five seconds after the cookies got to our table, then maybe you could’ve got one, but...”
Phoebe dropped her head onto the table and sighed. She was most definitely not going to join the PPC at any point in her life.

This was a fun, little character study. by doctorlit on 2014-10-10 03:15:00 UTC Reply

I love how the personalities of all three characters shine through, despite the short length of the piece and the lack of description. I especially like the contrast between Phoebe, as a complete outsider wholly uninterested in joining the PPC, and Kitty, a newbie who has nonetheless embraced it. The whole thing is frantic and exciting and silly, and very, very entertaining as a whole.

Thanks! by KittyEden on 2014-10-11 12:16:00 UTC Reply

:-D
I'm not very good at description, so I rely on dialogue a lot. That's something I need to improve on.

Yeah, same here. (nm) by doctorlit on 2014-10-11 14:22:00 UTC Reply

Concrit by Desdendelle on 2014-10-09 19:03:00 UTC Reply

(Sorta. Mostly nitpicks, though).
1) Bleepka is not made from real Vodka, since Bleeprin and Alcohol go boom when mixed.
2) The food in the Cafeteria is horrid (did my steak just move? Ew), and has been so, IIRC, since the Mysterious Somebody got booted.
3) I'm not sure whether DIA would jump because a (non-Suvian) someone just entered HQ; after all, lots of Agents started their careers that way.

Counter nitpicks by Hieronymus Graubart on 2014-10-10 19:04:00 UTC Reply

Why would Agent Kitty tell the truth about the non-alcoholic character of pseudo-alcoholic Bleeprin Products? Does she look like a person who would even be aware of this "unimportant little detail"?

How would the DIA know that Phoebe is non-suvian if they don’t do some kind of investigation? Scaring Phoebe and making the DIA agent’s lives more difficult by running away rather than telling them who Phoebe is may just be what Agent Kitty does to have fun.

Opinions about cafeteria food may differ. I agree that the food was horrible for many years. But this was probably when the cafeteria staff was still anonymous and nobody knew where to complain. Shouldn’t we expect that named cafeteria workers try to go new ways, especially after the meatloaf incident? Apparently the cafeteria still serves traditional menus (like Sue Souffles) for agents who don’t care, so agents who don’t ask may never find out that there is other stuff.

HG

Re: dat foods by doctorlit on 2014-10-11 04:26:00 UTC Reply

The way I see it, it's a mix. Obviously, they've got gross stuff, put together from raw materials that sit around for dozens of vague time units. Hawkelf touched on this in her classic cafeteria story. *shudder*

But we've also seen in VM's spin-off that at least some Cafeteria workers go on "missions" to collect food directly from fics (good or bad). That stuff is probably a lot more quality and edible and, uh, homogeneous than the stuff that gets thrown together in the kitchens.

Just my take. Right now, I'm writing an interlude/mission for my cafeteria workers that will show a mix of both in the kitchens.

—doctorlit, who has sadly managed to bring up every existing cafeteria spin-off in this tiny little post

"#9834" by doctorlit on 2014-10-08 03:18:00 UTC Reply

You've (probably) read missions that spork songfics. Well, here's a mission that is, itself, a songfic!
* * *
BEEEEEEEEP!

Agent Josie groaned and hugged the blankets tighter over her head. Her partner had already shut off the alarm, but the RC was now filling with guitar riffs, rising in volume. Here we go again, she thought.

Franklin ripped off her blankets in one easy motion. "♪Back in black♪" he sang, and Josie found herself already fully dressed in PPC uniform.

"♪I hit the sack♪" she tried to complain, but it came out song against her will.

"♪I've been too long; I'm glad to be back♪" Franklin began gathering equipment, so quickly he blurred a bit as he moved around the room. "♪Yes, I'm let loose♪" He found a tied coil of rope from somewhere, shrugged, and added to the rest of the weapons. "♪From the noose♪"

"♪That keeps me hanging around♪" added Josie, with a longing look at the rope.

Suddenly, they were jumping through the portal into the Word World. Looking at the clouds over Barnett College, Franklin continued the song. "♪I been looking at the sky 'cause it's getting me high♪"

Josie muttered, "♪Forget the hearse, because I'll never die. I've got nine lives—♪"

"♪Cat's eyes♪" Franklin interrupted, pointing to a woman with slit pupils and clothing that definitely did not exist in the 1930s. A crowd of students and faculty was following her wake, entranced.

The two agents sang in unison, "♪Abusing every one of them and running wild♪
* * *
Once the Sue tracked down her target in Hamilton Hall, he was awestruck by the cat-eyed woman.

In a weird, falsetto voice that didn't sound like Indiana Jones at all, he sang, "♪I can tell that you are the most beautiful girl in the—♪"

"♪Room♪" finished Franklin. The agents were listening from outside the door to Jones' office, which contained exactly two humans.

Josie snickered. "♪In the whole wide room♪" she added, earning a grin from Franklin.

Inside, the Sue glowered towards the doorway. Jones hadn't noticed anything, and continued to sing. "♪And when you're on the street♪"

"♪Depending on the street♪"

"♪I bet you are definitely♪"

"♪In the top three♪" Another round of snickering.

"♪'Cause you're so beautiful, like a . . . tree♪" The Sue raised an eyebrow at Jones.

The agents in the hallway had to cover their mouths to stop from laughing aloud at this. Jones was either fighting the Suefluence or really, really addled by it.

Franklin started to add, "♪Or a high-class prosti—♪" but Josie smacked him in the nose.

The Sue knew she heard something that time. She got up in a rage and walked to the doorway. But there was nothing there, except for a nasal voice floating down from some distant hallway: "♪You could be a . . . part . . . time . . . model♪"
* * *
Over a map of the world, a simple drawing of an airplane traveled from New York over the Atlantic Ocean to Egypt.

"Man, I love this canon's scene transitions."
* * *
The Agents followed the archaeologist and the . . . whatever the Sue was supposed to be from the Cairo International Airport to an unspecified pyramid. A hidden passage had led the two characters into and endless stream of battles with an army of mummies. (Ironically the mummies were actually canon for the continuum, but the airport shouldn't have existed prior to World War II.)

It was, perhaps, the least interesting fight scene against armies of monsters that had ever appeared in fiction. Despite the tight quarters of the passageway, endless numbers of enemies and nearly total darkness (Jones had at least brought a torch), the Sue and Jones were meeting little more effort than they would have strolling through a country park on a quiet day.

The Sue turned a corner, knocking a mummy away with one hand and pulverizing it into dust. The agents trailed behind just outside the range of Indy's torch light.

The Sue killed another five mummies with three bullets, barely looking to aim as she continued towards her destination with no map. She proclaimed, "♪We call them fools, who have to dance within the flames. Who chance the sorrow and the shame that always comes with getting burned♪"

"♪Standing outside the fire?♪" Josie questioned.

"♪Standing outside the fire♪" Franklin confirmed. Then, both agents sang together. "♪Life is not tried, it is merely survived if you stand outside the fire♪"

The Sue smiled at Indy, who followed along beside her, but smirked after she looked forward again. "♪We call them strong, those who can face this world alone, who seem to get by on their own. Those who will never take the fall♪"

Franklin shaped his hands into a vague airplane shape and raised is arms towards the ceiling. "♪Wanting to glide higher and higher♪"

"♪I can't abide standing outside the fire♪" Josie flipped open the chamber of her pistol and checked that it was loaded.
* * *
The Sue and her tag-along canon had found a . . . thing. It was in a large chamber hidden inside of a fake sarcophagus. The Sue seemed to think it was very valuable, although the agents thought it would be difficult to sell something that tried to be about seven different colors at once while its edges continuously wavered, and that may or may not have been hovering in mid-air. The agents wound up missing most of that scene due to the headaches brought on by looking at the questionable artifact for too long.

Franklin downed another smiling mouthful of Bleeprin. "♪All I know is working on drugs feels better when they're prescription! All I know is the world looks beautiful, the world looks so damn beautiful♪" He started rocking back and forth.

Josie was taking one tablet at a time, raising it to her mouth slowly, putting it inside just after swallowing the previous one. Then, she started chewing while reaching for the next one. She quietly sang, "♪Daydream. I fell asleep beneath the Flowers for a couple of hours on a beautiful dream♪"

Suddenly, their demeanors reversed. Franklin slouched against the wall and drawled out, "♪Sometimes I'd liked to slow things down. Enjoy the moment. But when I look, the moment's gone♪"

Josie jerked up and smashed a fist into the stone wall. Glancing about wildly, she sang forcefully, "♪As I spy from behind my giant robot's eyes, I keep him happy cause I might fall out if he cries. Scared of heights so I might pass out if he flies. Keep him on auto-pilot cause I can't drive♪"

But the moment passed; Josie settled back down and put her head in her hands, while Franklin began to get jittery again. "♪All I know is work is easy when you don't stress out about deadlines. All I know is to take my medicine; I always take my medicine♪"

Through her hands, Josie mumbled, "♪Daydream. I dream of you amid the Flowers for a couple of hours. Such a beautiful day.♪"
* * *
The Sue had left Jones trapped in the treasure room, and was absconding with the torch and the unnameable something, unaware that Indy had already been neuralyzed and portalled back to Barnett. She wasn't yet halfway back to the entrance when a male voice, accompanied by guitar chords, echoed out of the darkness.

"♪You got your war on science and your dusty roads. Reverse logic tricks and shadows♪"

The Sue picked up the pace, running through the hidden passage.

"♪Morbid fascination with other people's souls. Like watching cars crash, your false bravado♪"

Her running speed put out the torch, and she dropped it to clatter on the tunnel floor. It didn't matter; she had made these tunnels.

"♪You try to rewrite history, add a little mystery. You're still waiting for your time to come♪"

Left. Left. Right. Up. Down. She would be out soon. Left. Right. Wrong?

"♪You're still waiting? Oh the moment's gone.
Yeah, it's gone♪" The last line's echo faded into the background as the Sue found herself in a strange section of tunnel. The walls were all grey, and there didn't seem to be a way out, except for the shimmering blue doorway she had just run through.

Suddenly, the treasure in her hand seemed to lurch on its own. It settled down into one color, and the edges became defined—it had settled down into a simple gold coin. Still valuable, but significantly less special.

"No!" the Sue started to shriek, but her voice changed timber halfway through, sounding more like an animal's wail. She felt herself shrink down, suddenly very near the floor. If she could see her reflection in a mirror, however, she would find solace upon discovering that her eyes were still the same.

A figure appeared through the portal, a woman. She gave a simle— not a nice one. "Sorry about all the singing," she said. "My partner can't help it; he comes from Glee. As you can see, he's far enough away now that it's no longer affecting us."

She raised a pistol from behind her back. The Sue flattened her ears against her head and hissed.

"That doesn't mean I can't quote a song, of course. So how about this? 'You may hate me, but it ain't no lie. Kitty, bye, bye, bye.'"
* * *
Precedents broken:
*Missions are not songfics. (Yes, I know about Ekwy's musical, but that wasn't a mission proper.)
*doctorlit can't write a decent mission in under a year? >> Maybe?

I seriously would like feedback, not just on the story here, but on the idea itself. I don't think I've ever heard a single positive thing said in this community about songfics, not even the "rare but possible to do well" that Mary Sues get. I have a Sound of Music mission in the (long distant, eventual) works, that would be treated very similarly to this. (Though probably with more filking of lyrics, for plot reasons.)

All the songs I used here appear on the <a href="http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/PPCSoundtrack">PPC Soundtrack. I have changed and rearranged lyrics a bit to make them work in some places.

I was going to link to YouTube videos of all the songs, but I have company over now, so look them up yourselves.

Very nice! by Miah on 2014-10-17 20:43:00 UTC Reply

Back in Black was the only song I recognized, although some of the other lyrics seemed familiar enough that I felt like I should know where they came from. I have to say it is more fun when the song is in the back of my mind while reading the story.

That said, this worked really well for a mission. That they sang the lyrics and the lyrics fit so well into the flow of the story was great. My usual gripe about songfics is that they misuse the song. The song's general meaning is twisted, or the lyrics taken way out of context, or the canon is severely twisted to force it to fit the song. I liked that there was an explanation with him coming from Glee. Will we see more of this aspect of his character later on?

So, interesting mission with unique style.

I saw a typo here: She gave a simle— not a nice one.

I'm glad it worked for you! by doctorlit on 2014-10-18 15:07:00 UTC Reply

It was pretty tricky to find lyrics that could be molded into the story well, so I can see why well done songfics aren't easy to find.

I would like to use these two a bit more, but only if I can think of good ways to use them. I'm sort of wanting to have them set in the Wrecked Music Department before its closing, although I don't think that meshes with Glee's release date.

Unfortunately, that Sound of Music fic I wanted to spork seems to have been deleted. :(

Re: I'm glad it worked for you! by Miah on 2014-10-18 17:23:00 UTC Reply

Make a copy of the fics you are targeting. I keep them in gdocs. One of my first missions, the fic was deleted when I was about 3/4's done writing the mission. Ever since I make copies (with links to it and the full crediting headers of the site it was posted on).

You know, I would have sworn I had. by doctorlit on 2014-10-19 05:36:00 UTC Reply

I actually have most of my potential targets printed out, so I can make like Araeph and red pen them to death. But I don't seem to have "Terror in Salzburg" anywhere. :(

Feedback by Hieronymus Graubart on 2014-10-09 19:24:00 UTC Reply

Well, songfics are definitely not my thing. But that’s mostly because I never recognize the songs, and having fun with this is probably the point of a songfic. Or maybe it isn’t. Anyway, I’m just not a musical person.

Having this said, I’m astonished how good the lyrics work in this mission. And we even get a reasonable explanation for all the singing. (Of course I had to look up Glee, and then I was glad that I had guessed right). So I have to say, yes, it can be done well.

I liked the use of the Reality Room at the end. But it might have worked even better if you had included some hints that this Sue was more cat than girl; I barely remembered the "Cat's eyes" at this point. Also, Josie and Franklin will get into trouble because they didn’t read a charge list.

Technical Errors:
and added to the rest of the weapons missing word?

had led the two characters into and endless stream of battles should be "an endless stream".

raised is arms towards the ceiling should be "raised his arms".

I’m looking forward to your Sound of Music mission now.

HG

Thank you! I'm glad it was enjoyable. by doctorlit on 2014-10-10 00:47:00 UTC Reply

And I'm glad the lyrics worked with the action.

I wasn't really meaning that the Sue was more cat than girl, but thinking now, the Reality Room would probably just have changed the eyes in that case, huh? I'll add a description to make her more feline. I think I regret not giving the Sue a name, too.

I, uh . . . I legitimately forgot about the charge list. Got too wrapped up in the scene. Woops.

And thanks for catching those other errors, too!

Sentience by Rats on 2014-10-08 03:14:00 UTC Reply

PPC Precedent: The console always goes off in moments of idle contemplation and relaxation. Always. . . unless something worse could possibly happen.
Because even agents need some rest and consoles can be downright mean.

Possible relevant things to note beforehand: Lance is from the Chronicles of Amber continuum, and there's this magic thing there. It's mentioned briefly. That's it, basically.
There's likely to be some wonky sentences in here, so bewaaaaare.

----------------------------

Sentience

It was too quiet in the room, though no one seemed to notice. Its inhabitants had just arrived from a particularly nasty and ugly fic and both needed a little alone time.

The top bunk, Shri decided, was super duper excellent. She had an excellent bird's-eye view of the entire room (and of Lance sort of absently wandering around), and she was just short enough that she wouldn't bash her head against the flat, grey ceiling if she were to suddenly sit up.
So she shut her eyes and relaxed- or, at least, tried to. Something felt. . . tense. There was a sort of nigh imperceivable static in the air, the feeling of a storm roiling and coiling into range, and in this moment of nothing she was able to sense it.

Sighing, she opened her eyes and stared at the blank ceiling above her. I'll have to put up a poster or something, she thought, as she called out, "Lance?"
He grunted in response.
"Does something feel wrong to you?" She sat up to look down at him.
He paused in his pacing to glance around, dark eyes narrowed. "Yeah, actually, it does. It's been bothering me for a while. I'm glad you noticed, I thought it was just in my head, or something."

Shri slid down the ladder and put her hands on her hips, surveying the room critically. "It's almost like. . . it reminds me of the caves, everything's just kind of. . ." She made a vague sweeping gesture with her hands and Lance nodded in agreement.

"It's too quiet," he said.

Shri hummed under her breath. "That could very possibly be it." They both paused and listened. "What would we normally be hearing?" Shri murmured.
Their gaze settled on the console in the corner of the room.

It was too quiet.

"Oh no," Shri said. "Oh no oh no oh no."
Lance looked unperturbed. "I'm sure it's fine-" he began, but Shri had already strode over to it and was tapping away at the keyboard. She gave Lance a stricken sort of look, as if she'd just witnessed a traumatized puppy.
"Lance, I think it's broken."
"Shri, c'mon, it can't be broken, it's probably magic, or something, I dunno-"
"When was the last time we got back from a mission and it didn't make an exceedingly loud noise while we were relaxing? No, there's definitely something wrong with it. . . come look at it using the tendril Logrus thing or whatever, will you?"

Lance sighed heavily. He stepped over to the console and placed a hand on the screen, cautiously, as if it might bite him, before shutting his eyes and carefully feeling outwards, deep into the machine.
". . .I have no idea how that thing works," he admitted, stepping back from the console and shaking out his hand. It had pins and needles, which was slightly odd. "So I can't fix it, if it's even broken."
"Then what are we supposed to do?!" Shri said, her eyes wide and worried. "I mean, this place probably has maintenance or something, right? I think there was a section in the handbook about that, or something-"
"Shri, relax," Lance instructed, taking her by the shoulder. She fell silent. "Worse comes to worse, we just won't have missions for a bit while we figure out what's going on, right?" He grinned. "Like vacation."

She bit her lip. "Wouldn't that be dishonest?"
"Never bothered me before." Lance shrugged. Shri looked bothered.
"Well, I'm going to do something about it," she declared, turning back to the machine. He sighed.
"Suit yourself." He settled himself on the bottom bunk (he'd had enough run-ins with the ceiling and had reluctantly given up the higher bed for the sake of his skull), pulled the pillow over his eyes, and slipped into a deep doze. This wasn't difficult, considering the amount of work they'd been doing. Fixing fic will do that to a person, or demonic creature, as it may be.

Shri, meanwhile, tapped fervently on the keyboard. Her touch-typing skills, thankfully, were still up to par, as was her rudimentary coding knowledge. . . though it took ages just to locate the programming itself, and even then the programs were nothing like she'd ever seen before. It wasn't long before she rested her face in her arms (just for a second to rest her eyes, naturally) and found herself nodding off.

The room was silent a little longer. The agents rested soundly.

The approximate amount of time for an acceptable and healthy cap-nap is about twenty minutes. Twenty minutes later, an ear-rending BEEEEEEP sliced through the air.
Shri made a noise that she hoped was a yelp but was really more of a short scream and Lance jerked upwards into a sitting position, promptly smacking his forehead against a beam under the upper bunk of the bed.
Amidst the stream of cursing in many different languages, Shri picked herself up from off the floor where she had fallen and stumbled forward, squinting at the console.

A bolded "HA HA HA HA HA" was prominently displayed at the top of the screen, followed by new mission information.
And Shri found herself wondering, not for the first time, if they actually had a third sentience residing in the room with them.

------------------
A lot of dialogue and not a lot of description, so. . . I guess really short paragraphs? Whoops.

Concrit. by Huinesoron on 2014-10-08 16:49:00 UTC Reply

Oh yes. I like.

For starters, I like the very idea. The notion that a nice thing happening to the agents is so foreign that they spend all their time trying to find the catch is hilarious. You've done an excellent job of building their reactions gradually: first the slow realisation, then the increasingly frantic attempts to fix it.

One thing that baffles me is your paragraphing. You've clumped some paragraphs together, and broken others apart. Is there any particular reason for this? They don't seem to be scene breaks - just random single or double line breaks.

You've also got some split paragraphs that didn't need to be. 2 and 3, for instance - 'if she were to suddenly sit up. So she shut her eyes' would've worked fine. I'm honestly not sure if you were trying to do something specific here.

I'm also dubious about one point - the idea that the programs behind the console can be accessed and read by agents. Even allowing for the assumption that they're in anything approximating a real coding language - though, admittedly, you did say it looked weird - this seems like a really serious security flaw.

Still, it was fun to see Shri and Lance's different reactions to the situation; they were pretty convincing, though 'the lady doth protest too much, methinks(!)'. And the ending, of course, was brilliant.

hS

Thank you! by Rats on 2014-10-08 18:06:00 UTC Reply

Paragraphing is one of my major vices, yeah. There. . . really isn't any rhyme or reason to it, to be honest, except for a new paragraph for dialogue by a different person. Is that necessary? I've always operated under the assumption that that is necessary, or at least highly encouraged. I should look that up.

That is a very good point! That would be a pretty serious security flaw. If I ever go for permission and decide to edit this and make it part of my agent's canon, I'd definitely change that.

Thank you so much for the concrit!

*butts in* Ooh, allow me to speak of paragraphing. by Neshomeh on 2014-10-08 19:30:00 UTC Reply

First of all, you need to use a double line-break between paragraphs all the time. That's hitting "Enter" twice. That's the easy part.

When to start a new paragraph is a tricky questions, and there are very few concrete rules about it. You're correct that you need a new paragraph when a new person speaks, but beyond that, it can get pretty fuzzy, especially in fiction.

However, I have some tips:

1. Start a new paragraph when a new person does something, including but not limited to speaking. This is especially helpful in dialogue passages. We communicate with body language, not just words, so a silent facial expression or gesture in response to someone's speech counts as a line of dialogue. This is even more helpful when you've got two characters of the same gender in the scene. If everybody sticks to their own paragraphs, it's harder to confuse which of two hes or shes you're talking about and you don't have to belabor their names as much.

1.5. No, you don't have to strictly adhere to this all the time.

2. Paragraphs are used in formal writing to set off different ideas, and this more or less works for fiction, too. Each paragraph should contain a complete thought, whether it's one sentence or more. Especially long thoughts should be broken up into smaller paragraphs (each containing a piece of the thought) to save your readers' eyes, though.

3. As for what constitutes a "thought," consider the function of the passage you're writing. Is it dialogue, action, description, exposition...? Consider using a new paragraph when you switch functions or to a new subject of the same function. (I.e., as you would use a new paragraph for a new speaker, use a new paragraph for each step of the action, each new thing you describe, each new thing exposited, etc.)

4. Write things in the order they happen. This isn't strictly a paragraphing rule, but it helps to remember that actions should come before reactions. You can, of course, play with this—your POV character may not be privy to the action that caused the reaction, or you may want to write the reaction first for comedic effect. But always know what happened in what order, and that'll help your paragraphing.

~Neshomeh will shut up and go run errands now.

!!! by Rats on 2014-10-09 03:06:00 UTC Reply

Oooh, thanks! These are great tips. I'll keep them in mind from now on!

That's one way of doing it... by Storme Hawk on 2014-10-06 16:53:00 UTC Reply

"Are you sure this is actually allowed?" Kelly asked looking at Apollo from their current position, hiding behind some of the trees at the edge of the Forbidden Forest.
"No" Apollo answered bluntly as he carefully attached the Howler to his arrow. "But that's why we're both doing this, so one of us can't shift the blame entirely onto the other."
"I could of sworn the reason you gave originally was that the Charge list was too long to be read out loud and for just one howler." Kelly asked, as she too attached a howler to an arrow before carefully nocking it into her bow.
"That too." Apollo said, raising his bow up and aiming it at where the Sue would be walking along soon as she 'waited for her moonlight walk with Draco' that, as the Words on the edge of Apollo's vision said, would end up as a lot more than just a walk.
"OK," Kelly agreed, aiming her bow. "You've got the first bit of the Charge list right?"
"Mhm." Apollo affirmed, as he continued to wait for the 'Sue to appear in his sights.

It was a few minutes later that the Sue appeared in Apollo's sight, letting out a sigh he fired his arrow, a couple of seconds later hearing a similar sound as Kelly loosed her arrow towards the Sue. Thankfully the attack worked as planned, surprising the Sue before she had time to activate the 'magical elemental powars' that she supposedly had. Staying until the first Howler started screaming at the Sues body the two agents as the sound resonated throughout the Hogwarts grounds.
"That went well don't you think." Apollo said as they landed back into RC 9.81
"Not as badly as the other one we've done in Harry Potter." Kelly agreed, jumping back onto her bed for a quick nap. Not a moment later she jumped back up as the console gave off a slight tune, that the two agents now recognized as it receiving a message rather than a mission.
"What is it?" Apollo asked from his bed where he was putting a couple of new arrows into his quiver.
"It's a message from the SO." Kelly replied, "it wants to see us about the quote 'unusual ending to our last mission'"

---

Precedents:
Obviously not charging the Sue whilst it's still alive. Also (I think) using a weapon to dispose of the Sue that wouldn't canonically have been used.

Short little thing I came up with regarding a variation on an idea I've wanted to use for a while

Storme Hawk

Concrit by Huinesoron on 2014-10-07 13:16:00 UTC Reply

This was interesting. I liked the use of the Howlers to present the charge list; one of my ulterior motives in selecting this challenge was to see what ideas people came up with which could be used in normal missions, and that's definitely one. The idea of tying them to arrows, and of recording two so's the blame couldn't be laid on just one agent, was both clever and funny.

My main issue with this piece, sadly, is the middle: it took me two or three reads to figure out what had actually happened, though some of that might be down to not being terribly familiar with Howlers. But... well, for one thing, you never actually say the Sue is dead. She's 'surprised', and then the Howler screams at her, and the agents run away. Showing us her 'reaction' in more detail - throwing up her arms, scrabbling for her wand in an effort to use her 'powars', then falling still as the first Howler starts up - would have made things much easier to follow. (You've also got a missing word or two in the last sentence of that paragraph - 'Staying until the first Howler started screaming at the Sues body the two agents as the sound resonated'. The two agents what?)

Anyway, I really like the way you ended the story. Yes, it's somewhat cliche (didn't Jay and Acacia have exactly the same ending once?), but it's important to show that breaking precedent =/= getting away with it. Breaking the rules and taking your punishment is a far more interesting story - and characters who don't face consequences are more accurately known as Suvians. So well done!

hS

Re: Concrit by Storme Hawk on 2014-10-13 14:30:00 UTC Reply

I thought I'd replied to this before, but it seems I hadn't, so sorry about that.
Onto the concrit.

Yeah, the middle. I've looked back at it and I've got to agree it's nowhere near the best bit of writing I've ever done. I think I was getting a bit too bored of the largely dialogue based first part and wanted to do something different in the middle. I've already decided once I'm done with writing this reply I'm going to try and rewrite the whole snippet redoing the middle and picking up on the little mistakes I've seen since originally writing the piece.

I like trying to find ways to reference, however slightly, the Original Series and spinoffs that I like in my PPC writings and I think the ending may have been one of those times that I did it without really realising that I was.

But thanks for the positives though. Like I said before I'm going to try and rewrite it now, so (despite this being halfway down the front page and much less likely to be read) I hope the second version is better than the first.

Storme Hawk

That's one way of doing it... (Version 2) by Storme Hawk on 2014-10-13 15:11:00 UTC Reply

"You that this is allowed?" Kelly asked, looking at Apollo from her current position, hiding behind a tree on the edge of the Forbidden Forest.
"No" Apollo answered bluntly from behind the tree next to Kelly's. He was leaning against his tree as he carefully tied the Howler onto one of his arrows. "But that's why we're both doing this, so we can't leave one person with all the blame."
"Unless I don't fire this" Kelly countered playfully.
Apollo glared at her for a second "Then I'll leave you to explain why we the Sue died after hearing only a half completed charge list, unless you want to run in their afterwards and finish her off yourself?"
Kelly shook her head slowly, as she too tied a Howler to an arrow. "I was only joking, you realize."
"Wasn't exactly that funny though." Apollo replied, nocking the arrow to his bow, before testing how it felt as he drew his bow back slowly.
"So you don't mind having a bit of a lugh in the RC, but now..." Kelly started.
"Now we're on a mission, we need to focus and not try to lose our heads." Apollo interupted.
"You don't have to be like Batman anymore, you're not in your home 'verse fighting for survival" Kelly argued back, before sighing and testing her own bow.
Apollo started on a reply before stopping himself. He sighed "I know, but old habits die hard. C'mon let's just get this done and go home. You have got the second part of the charge list right?"
Kelly checked her Howler, noting that it had the number two circled in the lower right hand corner she nodded and said "Yep, I'll admit I'm glad we're doing this instead of reading that long-ass list like we normally do."
"That's the other reason why there's two." Apollo said, as he scanned the words that appeared on the edge of his vision, looking to see how long it would take for the Sue to be walking along as she 'waited for her moonlight walk with Draco', that further down the words, Apollo could see would turn into a lot more than that. "It seems weird that there's a character limit on Howlers in this fic, especially seeing as the 'Sue sent that one to Molly Weasley that contained all the made up titles the 'Sue has collected."
"Yeah" Kelly agreed. "Not long now right?" she asked as she readied her bow.
Apollo double checked the words. "Any second now." He replied, drawing his own bow back properly this time, aiming for the correct spot between the trees in which the Sue would be waiting.
--
"There she is" Kelly whispered a couple of minutes later as the Sue finally appeared in sight. "You goi--" She was interupted by a slight whistling sound as Apollo loosed his arrow. Sighing to herself Kelly loosed her own bow at the Sue, watching as the Sue turned around as her 'elemental powas' alerted her to the arrows flying towards her, although she was unable to react quickly enough as the first arrow struck her right shoulder, just as she released her wand from the holder on her wrist, Kelly's arrow struck her second, getting her in the centre of the left side of her torso. As the first Howler exploded and started to shout the beginning of the charge list at the dying Sue, Kelly nocked another arrow into her bow. "Apollo guide my aim" she muttered to herself quickly, hoping her father could hear her, or else that her partner would be a better shot than her, not of course that she'd ever admit it to Apollo. Loosing her arrow, Kelly heard the second Howler explode into life, it's voice resonating throughout Hogwarts' grounds.
"She's done for" Apollo called, his eyesight allowing him to see through the dying flames that the Sue had 'conjured' to protect herself, as he noted that the Sue was lying still with four arrows sticking out of her. "Let's get out of here."
"Right behind you" Kelly replied, activating their portal back and following Apollo through it.
--
"That went well don't you think." Apollo said as they landed back into RC 9.81
"Not as badly as the other one we've done in Harry Potter." Kelly agreed, jumping onto her bed for a quick nap, although it was less than a moment later that she jumped back up as the console gave off a slight tune, that the two agents now recognized as it receiving a message rather than a mission.
"What is it?" Apollo asked from his bed where he was putting a couple of new arrows into his quiver.
"It's a message from the SO." Kelly replied, "it wants to see us about the quote 'unusual ending to our last mission'"

Reconcrit. by Huinesoron on 2014-10-13 15:31:00 UTC Reply

I'm going to throw this out as a series of points, rather than a cohesive review; it's easier that way. Note: these are in no particular order.

-The actual course of events was much clearer; well done!

-Double-spacing paragraphs makes internet text much more readable. That or indenting them, but the internet prefers double-spacing.

-You have a few typos of various kinds dotted around. 'explain why we the Sue died', 'a bit of a lugh', 'run in their afterwards'. I mostly noticed them right at the beginning, though.

-You're running into run-on sentences. Apollo's 'then I'll leave you to...' is one example, but take a look at 'the other reason why there's two' - your first sentence runs clear down to the second set of speech marks. The shooting scene consists mostly of two gigantic sentences. If you break these up, it will both sound more natural, and convey the passage of time better.

-I like the character-building in the first half; I get a very clear idea of how the two agents are different, and who they used to be.

-... why did Kelly fire two arrows? I see Apollo did so, too - why? Was the plan explicitly to wound and incapacitate her, then kill her once the Howlers were done? No, because Kelly fires before she hears her Howler kick in. So... why two arrows?

-Apollo interrupting Kelly's question by shooting was funny. :D

Overall comments: much improved. You have a much better flow across the story, and give us people we can be interested in. Sort out what are essentially formatting issues (in a broad sense that includes sentence structure and typos) and you'll be made.

('Made what?' I don't know, it's an idiom so it doesn't have to make sense)

hS
Author's Notes by Storme Hawk on 2014-10-13 15:18:00 UTC Reply

Because I forgot to add these to the end of the piece. Obviously the same precendents as before were broken, but I tried to put a bit more characterization into it as well as fixing the previously badly written middle and trying to give a bit more information about the 'fic' itself that they're sporking.

My entry: 'Unprecedented'. by Huinesoron on 2014-10-06 11:17:00 UTC Reply

Sandra ducked back under the tree branch and paused for a moment, letting her eyes adjust to the gloom. Her partners (if that was the word) were still where she'd left them, waiting for her report.

"The Fellowship are heading this way," she said, gesturing back towards the river. "They've finished building their pointless bridge - held together by the Sue's bra strap, if you can believe it - and they're finally ready to head up the mountain."

Excellent work, the Sunflower Official told her. And how do you intend to excise the infestation?

Sandra shrugged. "Normally, with a Tenth Walker in Hollin, I'd get Freckles to distract the canons while I read the charge list out. That's not really going to be possible here."

Correct me if I'm wrong, the Coriander said, and please don't allow me to continue in error, but surely it is the case that your partner, Alison, who you also refer to as 'Blemishes', is in fact and in truth currently residing in Medical precisely because of, and indeed due to, the plan you have just outlined, wherein she distracts the characters and keeps them from-

"Yes," Sandra said, then swallowed. "Ma'am. But the point is, I can't exactly send you out there to-"

Whyever not? the SO asked. I'm quite certain I could provide an adequate distraction.

Sandra resisted the urge to scream, Because the whole reason you're following me around is because you don't know what it's like out here anymore! Instead, she took a deep breath, met the Sunflower's gaze - insofar as that were possible - and said, "Because if I get you killed, I would be out of a job. Sir."

Not at all, the Sunflower demurred, waving a leaf. The Queen Anne's Lace would be delighted to have you back, I'm sure.

Sandra gritted her teeth. The Flower had been antagonising her ever since he and the Coriander showed up in her RC, claiming that they needed to 'observe agent operating methods in the field, to determine what, if anything, need be changed'. She wasn't entirely sure it was deliberate, but on the other hand, she wasn't inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.

If I might interject with an interruption, the Coriander said, her tone thoughtful, would I be correct in thinking, and voicing my conclusion, that this chapter is the final, ultimate, or last chapter of the story in which we are currently situated?

"... currently situated," Sandra mumbled, trying to parse the question. "Uh... yes, ma'am, it's the last chapter."

As I deduced, or perhaps recalled. The Coriander spread out her leaves, angling them towards the Words. And would it be both accurate and correct if I were to state my belief that the current time, being the portion of the story or badfic in which we are waiting, is in fact close to the final line and end of both chapter and scene, which could be said to be imminent, or indeed upon us?

"... come again?"

The Coriander shook herself irritably. To the Hole with this, she growled. Agent Cassandra: the story is almost over. Do you have time to do the Duty?

Sandra frowned and looked up at the Words. Her eyes widened. "You could have said something!"

I did, in fact-

"No time!" Grabbing her bow from where it lay, Sandra ran back through the trees, not heeding the branches that snagged at her hair and jacket. "Not gonna have time to charge her," she panted, leaping over a rock. "Come on, come on..."

She reached the bluff overlooking the old road and skidded to a halt, already nocking an arrow to her bow. She took a crucial second to aim at the distant Sue, loosed-

Laurel smiled as she watched Aragorn stride ahead of the Fellowship. This was going to be a grand adventure.

-and the arrow splintered in mid-air as if striking an invisible wall. Sandra let out an inarticulate cry and fired a second shot, with no better result.

I did try to warn you.

Sandra whirled on the Coriander, tears running down her face. "You could have said something sooner!" she yelled. "You could have stopped using that stupid redundancy!"

Some of us have reputations to maintain, the Flower said, and waved a leaf towards the departing Fellowship. This is only one story out of millions, child. The true Fellowship will barely notice your miserable failure.

Sandra glared at her. "And what about me? Will I barely notice?"

You will probably become exceptionally depressed and have to be admitted to FicPsych, the Sunflower Official said, emerging from the forest. I will, of course, find this course of events extremely troubling. Shall we return to HQ so you can get started?

Precedents:
-Flowers do not go on missions.
-Agents always succeed at their mission.
-Talking is a free action.

And I think it was JulyFlame who originally suggested sending the SO on a mission, several years ago; thanks for the idea.

hS

Quite frankly... by JulyFlame on 2014-10-08 03:37:00 UTC Reply

I'm wondering how many of you managed to sneak your way into my unfinished/discontinued mission folder now.

(But yes, was me. Surprised you remembered that since I don't think I mentioned it on the board!)
Re: story by doctorlit on 2014-10-06 16:00:00 UTC Reply

Oh man. This was so fun to read. I love that—well, let's go in order.

I love that the SO refers to the Sue as the infestation, because it feels like a call-back to "Origins" where the Flowers thought of the Psuedos as illness/parasitic. It's a sharp contrast to typical agents, who still use the same pronouns and other human/character signifiers towards them.

I love that the Flowers, and especially the SO, are basically sitting there MSTing Sandra's work. It's got that insufferable "my boss is watching over my shoulder" vibe. This gets reinforced by the fact that the mission's failure is entirely, undeniably 100% the Coriander's fault, and that it is entirely, undeniably 100% clear that Sandra will be getting all the blame. Altogether, it shows just how confident the SO is, that even being in the field for the first time in ~~literally ever~~ decades, he's still quite unfazed by being in a Suefic.

I also like the bit of character development you've given Sandra here. In the past, she and Freckles have been roughly interchangeable with "generic" PPC agents. Here, though, we see how dedicated Sandra is to the Duty itself. Not only does she cry when she fails at the end, but she was even willing to skip the charge list in the actual, physical presence of two Flowers in order to get rid of the Sue.

The "talking not a free action" angle is an interesting one. I might watch more closely in my future missions, for times when my dialogue goes on so long it could potentially make the agents miss something important.

As for the mission "failing" . . . eh. There's really nothing preventing them from just portalling back to the beginning of the fic and starting over. Or even just to the start of this chapter, and doing the charge list there. This might just be my own inability to cope with failure talking. Also, I can't help but notice they can't quite go back to HQ right away: they have an uncanonical bridge to deconstruct, with a . . . possibly uncanonical article of clothing to remove from the continuum? Are bras a thing in Middle-earth? I honestly have no idea. But at least Sandra has something left to do to redeem herself a bit, even if only to herself!

You forgot one more precedent you've broken: you made no SPaG errors for me to put in a, long obnoxious list here at the bottom! :)