The dialogue in this piece feels a bit odd what with everyone going on these long, uninterrupted tangents. I presume that’s just an artifact of the original message-based RP, but it still reads strangely to me.

I was also not a fan of how it felt like Des and the Guardsman were just swapping backstories and character-building facts with each other. While all that’s very nice to know, at the same time it feels very artificial. It goes get a bit better on when they actually start swapping stories.

One minor nitpick: ”[...]Don't mind if I do, Agent Des,” beamed the Time Lord as he allowed himself to crash into the seat opposite Des. One cannot “beam” dialogue unless one is some sort of robot communicating via electronic signals. “Said with a wide smile” or something similar would be more accurate.

Overall, this was pretty enjoyable. I think it could be edited to be a lot tighter in terms of dialogue and pacing, but that might be taking it too far from the original RP. Kudos and well done to the both of you!

There is a small problem with your Permission settings on the G doc... it keeps allowing me to comment. I suggest that you fix this, or someone may accidentally damage it.

...I got a real kick out of the part where you bought up my own Agents, including that one disastrous mission that led to Rashida transferring to Floaters in the first place (and yes, I would like to revisit that particular incident soon. I have plans for it...). I have to second Huinesoron in that you might want to edit the "something something Giza" part, though - it's Rashida Mafdetiti now, actually.

In light of this, I'd actually like to have my own Agents meet up with yours. Maybe either via another interlude or, preferably, on an actual mission?

... "Oh God, not another Time Lord!"

Sorry - Morgan insisted. ^_~

Anyway. This is... difficult to read. It's not so much the swapping around of viewpoints and writing styles - you and SeaTurtle are close enough in style (or did you rework things?) that that slips by, and you carefully didn't spend much time in Deep Thoughts that would make the viewpoint swapping obvious. No, my main problem is that the Guardsman, in particular, breaks his speech over multiple paragraphs.

I can see why. SeaTurtle's dialogue tends towards long speeches - that's not a problem, it's just one way of doing things - and those should be broken up. But because it started life as an RP, not every paragraph immediately identifies the speaker. Single example: 'He thought for a few seconds and cocked his head.' That starts a new paragraph, so is 'he' the previous speaker, or the person who could be replying to him? It makes the reading tricky, is what I'm trying to get across.

Once you get past that - and it becomes a lot easier when there's four participants, since they tend to cut in on each other more frequently - it's an interesting story. It's always fun to see agents from different canons interact in a casual setting, and ask the questions they normally don't get to. Fun.

(Oh, minor point: since Rashida has a new name, you might want to edit the 'something something Giza' section.)

hS