Subject: Thanks for the feedback!
Author:
Posted on: 2014-10-02 19:32:00 UTC
I'll get down to fixing the Guardsman's ramblings as soon as possible. I completely forgot to fix the paragraphing!
Glad to see that you enjoyed the story. To answer your question on style: all we did were some minor adjustments on speech flow and timing. That means our styles are naturally similar. Spooky!
Some of you may remember SeaTurtle's Rudi RP that petered out a while back. Because I had so much fun, I decided to make the thread I was involved in canon, in interlude form.
Therefore: Frank Exchange of Views by me and SeaTurtle.
The dialogue in this piece feels a bit odd what with everyone going on these long, uninterrupted tangents. I presume that’s just an artifact of the original message-based RP, but it still reads strangely to me.
I was also not a fan of how it felt like Des and the Guardsman were just swapping backstories and character-building facts with each other. While all that’s very nice to know, at the same time it feels very artificial. It goes get a bit better on when they actually start swapping stories.
One minor nitpick: ”[...]Don't mind if I do, Agent Des,” beamed the Time Lord as he allowed himself to crash into the seat opposite Des. One cannot “beam” dialogue unless one is some sort of robot communicating via electronic signals. “Said with a wide smile” or something similar would be more accurate.
Overall, this was pretty enjoyable. I think it could be edited to be a lot tighter in terms of dialogue and pacing, but that might be taking it too far from the original RP. Kudos and well done to the both of you!
There is a small problem with your Permission settings on the G doc... it keeps allowing me to comment. I suggest that you fix this, or someone may accidentally damage it.
...I got a real kick out of the part where you bought up my own Agents, including that one disastrous mission that led to Rashida transferring to Floaters in the first place (and yes, I would like to revisit that particular incident soon. I have plans for it...). I have to second Huinesoron in that you might want to edit the "something something Giza" part, though - it's Rashida Mafdetiti now, actually.
In light of this, I'd actually like to have my own Agents meet up with yours. Maybe either via another interlude or, preferably, on an actual mission?
If you want to RP, just start a new thread to get the ball rolling.
And we're making it into an interlude when we're done, too, I think. {= )
~Neshomeh
...But I'm so far from Permissions I'm not even sure if my current potential Agents will be put forward as Agents someday.
This RP doesn't need Permission to participate in and is canon-optional, so nothing is concrete. Feel free to drop by if you want to have a go at it!
Just need to find some time when I'm not rushed off my feet.
I hate retcons. I'll edit the piece so Des will (mis)remember her name in another way.
As to our agents meeting, I'm always up for co-writes. What are your fandoms? Specifically, do you do Harry Potter, Doctor Who or both?
I've read and seen pretty much *all* of the Harry Potter books and movies, so I know enough about that continuum that I'll be totally game for a mission there.
As for both the collab and continuing SeaTurtle's interlude, though, it may be a bit of a while longer before I can jump into anything. Research is more important for me right now, objectively speaking, and we've still got my first mission to finish beta-reading. (That and I plan to write another mission as well before even thinking of any co-writes at all...)
Well, my current DW x HP mission (temporary title "Misophist") is currently on hold as I and Firemagic are tackling something else right now. If/when you're free, do drop me a mail.
Re: betaing your mission, I'm not sure which part I'm supposed to beta right now...
I've already finished up everything aside from the Post-Mission, which still hasn't been beta-read at all. And eatpraylove is currently helping me patch up any leftover glitches in the first two parts.
And I'll e-mail you as soon as I get the important things in my life out of the way. I'd like for Agent!Des to actually meet Rashida in person sometime.
Would you kindly send me another email with the relevant bits? I'd appreciate it.
... "Oh God, not another Time Lord!"
Sorry - Morgan insisted. ^_~
Anyway. This is... difficult to read. It's not so much the swapping around of viewpoints and writing styles - you and SeaTurtle are close enough in style (or did you rework things?) that that slips by, and you carefully didn't spend much time in Deep Thoughts that would make the viewpoint swapping obvious. No, my main problem is that the Guardsman, in particular, breaks his speech over multiple paragraphs.
I can see why. SeaTurtle's dialogue tends towards long speeches - that's not a problem, it's just one way of doing things - and those should be broken up. But because it started life as an RP, not every paragraph immediately identifies the speaker. Single example: 'He thought for a few seconds and cocked his head.' That starts a new paragraph, so is 'he' the previous speaker, or the person who could be replying to him? It makes the reading tricky, is what I'm trying to get across.
Once you get past that - and it becomes a lot easier when there's four participants, since they tend to cut in on each other more frequently - it's an interesting story. It's always fun to see agents from different canons interact in a casual setting, and ask the questions they normally don't get to. Fun.
(Oh, minor point: since Rashida has a new name, you might want to edit the 'something something Giza' section.)
hS
I'll get down to fixing the Guardsman's ramblings as soon as possible. I completely forgot to fix the paragraphing!
Glad to see that you enjoyed the story. To answer your question on style: all we did were some minor adjustments on speech flow and timing. That means our styles are naturally similar. Spooky!