Subject: But alas, on the other hand...
Author:
Posted on: 2014-09-12 11:13:00 UTC
... Windchaser would know what humans were. Oh well!
So he's probably not canon. Hmm... I wonder if I could recruit him... (a five-meter-tall denizen of HQ - that would take some doing! I wonder what Marsha and Trask would think of him...)
hS
Actually a quadruple pluggle, though two of them have been seen before...
First up, Returning was my entry in my last Monthlyish Writing Challenge; it's now up on the Webplex in its proper place.
Secondly, Boorman is technically a full Department of WhatThe/DAVD mission, and it's technically in LotR, but... yeah. Written for an earlier thread, it's here if you missed it.
New stuff! First... er, third, a bit of current events: End of the Beginning: Euromadian, in which Nyx Nightingale gets news from home, and I resolve a minor continuity error.
And finally, Getting Some Exorcise, a new outing for Agents Sandra and Freckles, who have just transferred to the DBS. Not a mission, it's... well, you'll see.
Regarding the azhdarchid: the wraith version is supposed to be this early reconstruction, which is frankly terrifying. The inspiration for the non-wraith is in the disclaimer. And if anyone wants to draw me Sandra and Freckles being chased by a furious azhdarchid, I will be in your debt. :D
I hope you enjoy them! Reviews are always welcome, and if I've got any mistakes (there's usually a couple), please point them out!
hS
It should be "Euromaidan" and not "Euromadian".
PC
On Returning
This is a pleaasant little interlude, although there was one things about it that I do admit to being confused about even after several read-throughs. Are the members of the angry mob supposed to be other PPC agents? It seems to be taking place in the PPC judging from all the references to impossible achitecture and various departments, but the mob members are just a generic formless mass. It might have been nice to detail them up at least a little with phrases like "a sea of furious black-clad figures" or "she narrowly avoided the grasps of several [department] agents" or what have you.
On Boorman
The Boorman script was not something I was previously familiar with, so it was interesting to get a bit of insight into it. I also really like how Kyaris was called into the mission for a consult. That's something I'd actually like to see a bit more, the pop-in consultation/assist. It's something that could potentially lend itself to good bits.
On End of the Beginning: Euromadian
I liked this piece, although I will say I can see how some people (like Ekyl did down below) would not given the current events angle on it. The PPC is (typically) somewhat light and humorous, whereas the conflict in Ukraine is anything but. I personally enjoyed the look into Nyx's backstory and I liked the interaction between her and Tango. I don't believe the internal monologue would have worked in this case. Plus, as you said in your reply to Ekyl, a story where an agent's partner helps them heal and carry on from their issues is far more interesting (both plot and character-wise) than just a struggle inside a person's own head.
On Getting Some Exorcise
This was probably my favorite, and I'm not just saying that because of the little nod to Xericka (although it certainly didn't hurt). This was just plain fun. Each exorcism scene was interesting and had some good humorous bits in them. I liked seeing your agents being basically corralled into become test subjects for the DBS. I think my only major complaint was that it wasn't quite clear what was going on in the Pokemon-themed scene. It took me couple of read-throughs to understand what Sandra and Freckles had actually done.
All in all, some kudos-worthy additions to PPC lore.
I've made tweaks in Returning and Exorcise in response to your comments; in particular I've added a few more clauses of description to the Pokemon/Discworld scene, which as you said was somewhat unclear. In my defence, a shield:
The idea of agents dropping in to consult is one I explored at length in Of Wolves and Fellowship, which features two actual examples and discussion of several others (and jokes about the DOOCH, which are always fun). It's one of those things that must happen, but with a few exceptions - the Department of Redundancy Department and the Department of Redundancy Department, for instance - we don't often see it.
hS
I just got up and gave these a read-through, so a lot of these might just be initial impressions that I'll either not entirely agree with upon further reflection or find I wish to elaborate on, but hey, I need to get my critic muscles moving again somehow, and people've been saying there needs to be more concrit around here, so here we go. Starting bottom up because a) I feel like it and b) the new stuff is at the end of the plug:
I might be biased against the Bad Slash one because now I have to completely start from scratch on one of my missions. I can't even keep one of the main agents' names or use LOTR. Grrrr. ;) But seriously, I like the use of nonconventional exorcism methods/ones more tied to the actual canon, it's an interesting touch and I'm a little tired of all exorcisms consisting of nothing but hitting things with books and screaming "Avaunt" over and over. It's nice to see other ways of doing things, even if I'm beaten to writing them. :P
Expelling a wraith from Arda through music and dance is an especially nice touch. The QAL pointing out Freckles is an odd nickname is pretty neat too - I'm not sure I like them being established as "among the SO’s most notorious Assassins" right out the gate though. I've certainly never seen these agents before, but I could be wrong (the wiki doesn't say anything about them...), and either way that feels like a title that needs to be earned, not simply slapped on the second somebody shows up - especially with the market so competitive on that ground. It turns out to have nothing to do with the rest of the mission so I'm not sure there's a point to having it - you could do with just going right to the QAL being surprised they want Bad Slash, specifically. Hieronymus went into the whole Patronus thing so I won't bother commenting on that, though I'm curious about why these all seem to be crossovers. I do sort of wish these had been established as a way to do it as opposed to the way, as well, if nothing else because it's kind of constraining to future authors.
I'm of two minds about the Nyx one, though part of that might be me being preoccupied by the fact we're looking at the start of WW3. It's hard to be amused by a story around something that's going to end with us all being blown back to the Bronze Age at best. I like the idea of agents actually reacting to stuff going on back home, though, it's something that doesn't come up a lot and really helps HQ feel more alive - these agents came from somewhere after all. I also think this piece could've been better served as just Nyx on her own - maybe that's personal preference but I didn't really feel like Tango added much except her own commentary, a lot of which felt like repeating things Nyx and the reader already know. If this were Nyx alone with her thoughts it might've been more effective. In spirit of full disclosure, though, I've never particularly liked Nyx and thus my enjoyment of this was a little limited between that and the whole World War Three thing.
Boorman is interesting and I don't have much to pick at. While it feels like a bit of a needless jab at a project that ended up never happening, I do like the idea of accidentally crossing from a fic written around Boorman's script to Boorman's script itself, as well as stuff like the recurring DAVD flashpatch problem (though in places it seems to imply DAVD simply doesn't have one). I also find Rile X getting dragged along to serve as Mortic's partner amusing. Mortic's felt kind of inconsistently written in some past things he's been in, but here he works well enough.
"I need a partner," Mortic said bluntly.
Returning... I'm pretty neutral on, I must admit. Not a lot earth shaking here, but also nothing I'd say is super bad, though I think prequel jokes are a little passé by now - next year even ROTS will have been a decade ago. And just because it's unclear, which lobby is being referred to re: potted plants?
Apparently some things I'd thought I'd made quite clear are being completely mis-read... well, anyway, in order.
~
-Sandra and Freckles have a previous full mission. They're not new agents.
-The idea of exploring alternate exorcisms is one that's been explored in two recent threads; the Patronus and song exorcisms are my original reactions in those threads. (This is one that needs to go in the A/N, which I need to write)
-They aren't notorious Assassins. The dialogue in that scene, I thought, made it pretty clear - after Freckles says that line, Sandra immediately responds with 'that doesn't sound like us', Freckles says 'didn't think so'... I'm not sure how this ended up unclear, so can you suggest what needs to be changed?
-The exorcisms aren't crossovers, any more than using a Christian-style bell-book-candle in a universe without Christianity is a crossover. An exorcism is a technique. The 'Lord of the Rings style exorcism' was used in a Labyrinth fic. Would it help if I added 'Exorcism Method' in front of each number? It'll look a bit clumsy, which is why I tried to restrict it to the first instance, but if it's unclear... (This is probably another one for the A/N, regardless)
-I don't know why you think them appearing in S&F's report makes them 'the way', any more than Jay and Acacia using bows makes that the way of assassinating Sues. I guess that can go in the A/N as well, since it's definitely not part of the story.
~
-Nyx: I... don't think this was meant to be a particularly amusing story? Nyx certainly isn't amused by it. The second half is mildly humorous, I suppose, but isn't about Ukraine. Tango is there to ask the question about her name - the continuity error mentioned in my description - and because, honestly, 'character thinks about how miserable she is' isn't a story I'm interested in writing. 'Character talks to her partner and partner helps her carry on' is more interesting.
-You are, of course, entitled to like or dislike any characters you please. ;) Mind if I ask what you don't like about Nyx?
~
-'A needless jab'... doesn't that kind of describe the PPC?
-The DAVD flashpatch was just fun to play with.
-I know Mort's been a bit up-and-down - he's ridiculously old, but doesn't really feel it, probably because his backstory's been added piecemeal. I'll probably be tweaking him when I read through his stuff.
-I'll consider the dialogue tag, thanks.
-Er... I was never siccing OFUM on Boorman. The joke here is that the PPC can't do anything official about the Boorman canon - it's a canon, however much they don't like it. 'if we so much as look sideways at this Script, we'll be for it!' But... did you recognise the name of Miss Lina Holling, noted for being the protagonist of OFUM 1 and ending the year in a relationship with Gimli? If there was anyone who'd be willing to risk the wrath of Jurisfiction by stepping in to stop Gimli being abused, it's Lina Holling. Not by going after the author - again, this isn't fanfic, OFUM would have no jurisdiction. But B!Gandalf is still susceptible to an axe to the knees... I suppose I could make it clearer that they're not trying to get at the author (though why that would need saying, in a PPC story, I'm not sure), but I'd prefer not to explain the joke more than I have to.
~
-The prequel joke: I guess. This is more a joke about prequel jokes, though. I needed something instantly recognisable as A Thing People Don't Like, and that took the position.
-The lobby is... the PPC lobby? I don't know; it's in one of the early spinoffs - a lobby with potted plants. There's not a lot more to say about it, other than that Morgan parked her TARDIS there before her first regeneration.
~
Overall: thanks for the comments. I'll be sure to poke the ones that need poking, and get that A/N written for GSE.
hS
I realised the error there, thinking on it. For whatever reason the headers - and the description of fandom-specific exorcisms - implied to me that the exorcisms were taking place in the given fandom.
That's the only reason I said it seemed like you were saying it was the way to do it. Citing Jay and Acacia is kind of a false starter given they used multiple assassination methods and also didn't imply any in particular were the standard issue way Sues were supposed to be killed. Aside from obvious stuff like the charge list, taking a form that fits the canon and makes sense as a killer (so much for that given half the PPC goes in as elves now...), etc. And yeah, me not having found the previous S&F mission is why I admitted my unfamiliarity and basically, y'know, asked. Admittedly not directly, but it was there.
(Not that I have anything against Patronus exorcisms, that's pretty cool.)
Amusing might not have been the best word for the Nyx story. I suppose I should've put it more like "we're all about to die in nuclear fire and the events mentioned in this story are the leadup, so I couldn't really enjoy it."
Nyx herself I'll contact you privately on, only because last time I tried to compile a detailed enough critique worth posting on something like this (with World-Jumper) the thread fell off the page before I finished. That's a whole different beast from "my first impressions on Story X" so I want to put more thought, care and research into it.
Your description of the Patronus charm is not exactly how the books describe it. Did you get it from the movies? Relevant quotes:
“But the Dementor didn't move, so Lupin muttered something, and a silvery thing shot out of his wand at it ...” (PA 5)
“... and then a huge, silver shadow came bursting out of the end of Harry's wand, to hover between him and the Dementor ...” (PA 12)
“Something silver white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wand.” (PA 13)
"A thin wisp of silver escaped his wand and hovered like mist before him." (PA 20)
"And out of the end of his wand burst, not a shapeless cloud of mist, but a blinding, dazzling silver animal." (PA 21)
"He raised his wand into the air and pointed it into the direction of Hagrid's cabin. Harry saw something silvery dart out of it and streak away through the trees like a ghostly bird." (GF 28, Dumbledore sends a message)
"A silver stag erupted from the end of Harry's wand and galloped towards the Dementor ..." (GF 31)
"An enormous silver stag erupted from the tip of Harry's wand ..." (OP 1)
"His silver stag erupted from the end of his wand and cantered the length of the Hall." (OP 31)
"The silver stag soared from the tip of Harry's wand and leapt towards the Dementors ..." (DH 13)
"The silver stag burst from his wand and charged ..." (DH 28)
"There was a silver spark, then a wavering light, and then, with the greatest effort it had ever cost him, the stag burst from the end of Harry's wand." (DH 32)
"From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe ..." (DH 33)
HG
The description is partly from the HP wiki, and partly just from my own head. I'll definitely change 'white' to 'silver', that's a pure error. I think the description of the actual casting - beam of light becomes Patronus - is close enough, since it could read simply as the Patronus moving very fast. I'll reword it as a streak of light, though, since that more explicitly has it as a discrete object. The Deathly Hallows examples show that they do sometimes physically attack, so I have no qualms about that.
The preamble, though... I don't know. I like it, and I've explicitly classed it as 'secondary', ie, as a focussing aid. How much focus do HP spells take? Is it even possible to mutter the words of a spell without firing it off? My reading (er, of my own story ;^-^) is that Sandra was still getting her mind focussed through the remember/mutter/star sequence; the actual casting of the spell begins when she opens her eyes.
hS
Otherwise I would have extended the quotes to include Harry’s Happy Thoughts and other preparations. I actually like the invoking of canon and the canon-compatible wand movement. What bothers me is the part where the corporeal Patronus apparently jumps out of the point where the streak of light hits the ground, when it is expected to come from the tip of the wand.
I only glanced on the HP wiki and cannot tell how reliable it is (the place I usually go to look things up is The Harry Potter Lexicon). But apparently they didn’t do a deep analysis. Remus Lupin may depend on pre-werewolf memories because he doesn’t get happiness in his current life. Harry doesn’t use memories so often, and he tells Hermione/others that what she/they need(s) is a “Happy Thought”. When I’m at home I may post more quotes just to show off.
HG
The idea I'm trying for is spell > streak/beam of light shoots out and hits the ground > light resolves into silver squirrel Patronus. It was badly phrased, but the light was never supposed to persist after hitting the ground. The light is the Patronus - just either not yet resolved into its true shape, or simply moving too fast to make out. I've tweaked it again; it now reads like this:
A burning silver streak of light burst from her wand, lancing past Freckles and striking the ground in front of Psycho!Frodo. The blazing form of Sandra’s Patronus crouched for an instant, then leapt in a burst of electric fire. Frodo had no time to run.
hS
It doesn't actually need to fit exactly what I imagine from reading the books. The Patronus just adapts beautifully to a world that's not its home.
Since I collected most of these quotes anyway (and intended to get the rest when I will reread DH), here is what we know of "Happy Memories":
"[You conjure a Patronus] with an incantation, which will work only if you are concentrating, with all your might, on a single, very happy memory." (PA 12, Lupin teaching Harry)
"[Harry ...] settled on the moment when he had first ridden a broomstick.
'Right,' he said, trying to recall as exactly as possible the wonderful soaring sensation in his stomach." (PA 12, practicing.)
"Harry thought hard, and decided his feelings when Gryffindor had won the House Championship last year definitely qualified as very happy […]
'Ready,' said Harry, trying hard to fill his head with happy thoughts about Gryffindor winning [...]" (PA 12, practicing.)
"He racked his brains. A really, really happy memory … one that he could turn into a good, strong Patronus …
The moment when he'd first found out he was a wizard, and would be leaving the Dursleys for Hogwarts! If that wasn't a happy memory, he didn't know what was … concentrating very hard on how he had felt when he'd realised he'd be leaving Privet Drive, Harry got to his feet and faced the packing case once more." (PA 12, practicing. First successful attempt with a Bogart pretending to be a Dementor.)
"He didn't stop to think. Plunging a hand down the neck of his robes, he whipped out his wand and roared, 'Expecto patronum!'" (PA 13. Harry doesn't need a memory. Playing Quidditch is happiness, and he is about to catch the Snitch.)
"'Hermione, think of something happy!' Harry yelled […]
I'm going to live with my godfather. I'm leaving the Dursleys.
He forced himself to think of Sirius, and only Sirius, and began to chant: Expecto patronum! Expecto patronum!" (PA 20. Still depending on a recent conversation, but more an expectation than a memory. Hermione tries and fails.)
"And then it hit him – he understood. He hadn't seen his father – he had seen himself –
Harry flung himself out from behind the bush and pulled out his wand.
'EXPECTO PATRONUM!' he yelled." (PA 21. Time traveling Harry does what he watched himself doing.)
"He summoned the happiest thought he could, concentrated with all his might on the thought of getting out of the maze and celebrating with Ron and Hermione, raised his wand and cried, 'Expecto patronum!'" (GF 31, Third Task.)
"He was never going to see Ron and Hermione again –
And their faces burst clearly into his mind as he fought for breath.
'EXPECTO PATRONUM!'" (OP 1, Harry had nearly been overwhelmed.)
"You've got to think of something happy." (OP 27, Harry teaching Dumbledore's Army.)
"Harry raised his wand, looked directly at Umbridge and imagined her being sacked." (OP 31, examination.)
"It was of Ron and Hermione that he thought as he whispered. ‘Expecto patronum!" (DH 28.)
"’That’s right, Harry ... come on, think of something happy ...’
‘Something happy?’ he said, his voice cracked.
‘We’re all still here,’ she whispered, ‘we’re still fighting. Come on, now ...’" (DH 32, Luna Lovegood helping out.)
HG
That was where I first heard of the "pin-headed" azdarchid model, and it's got a few informative articles about azdarchids in general (the one about speculative terrestrial flightless clades was my favorite). And my guess is the azdarchid could've come from the Land Before Time continuum, since flyers there are usually friendly.
...Dammit, now I feel pedantic about pteranodontid taxonomy, anatomy, etc. I was going to express that in the first part of my first mission, but the second part is probably a better opportunity for that. There's a scene from the badfic I'm sporking in the mission involving the Pteranodon attack from Jurassic Park III, except with different characters involved.
I actually ran into the pinhead on the hilariously-titled Love in the Time of Chasmosaurs, though I think I remember seeing it in a book when I was a kid (and being suitably horrified). I think there's been a couple of links across to TZ, but I haven't archive-binged it as yet. I'm sure I'll get there... :D
LB4T: apparently there was a female Quetzalcoatlus in III and VII. It looked like this (on the left); seems it was of the bipedal variety, and has a terribly shrunken neck and bloated body to go with it. It also didn't speak, but was 'friendly'. So it's a possible.
Other azhdarchids I know of are in the Dinotopia series - as Quetzalcoatlus skybax - and one brief appearance in Walking with Dinosaurs of yet another Quetzal. Neither of those talk, though the Skybaxes are intelligent. Dinotopia also has the rarely-seen Quetzalcoatlus northropi, which are larger and have the advantage of being real. Still don't talk, though.
Or at least, don't talk English. It's well established that there are numerous Saurian languages on Dinotopia (Bix speaks a lot of them), so presumably the pterosaurs do talk. So maybe our unnamed canon azhdarchid was... hmm.
Actually, the wiki tells me there is a talking Skybax - Windchaser, from the novel of the same name. He's reclusive, but ends up as human/Skybax ambassador. So he might fit, possibly once he gets old. The canon can't be Nimbus, really - he and Cirrus come across as too adventurous. But Windchaser, I can see...
(Yes, they're all Quetzals. I'm not sure popular culture has heard of any other azhdarchids...)
Missions nitpicking random things - and pterosaur anatomy is pretty random - are always a good thing! Provided they do it in an accessible way; hopefully even someone who's never heard of Azhdarchidae got that possibly!Windchaser was a giant flying reptile.
hS
... Windchaser would know what humans were. Oh well!
So he's probably not canon. Hmm... I wonder if I could recruit him... (a five-meter-tall denizen of HQ - that would take some doing! I wonder what Marsha and Trask would think of him...)
hS
