Subject: Spoiler reply within.
Author:
Posted on: 2016-05-29 03:36:00 UTC
On the matter of Kimberly that will be shown in the next part.
Tortura is definitely worth a "lolnope" reaction by default, especially since the fic itself is too strong for usual methods to do anything against it.
Thanks muchly to Huinesoron, Neshomeh, and PoorCynic for their betaing.
Part two is here.
For those of you who did not read the first part, it is available here.
Again, the mission itself is SFW.
And before anyone brings it up, yes, I am aware the published version somehow has some paragraph breaks missing. They're present in the editing version, but somehow disappear when published. Google's doing, sorry.
-July
On the wall behind the throne, a large opening held an equally large bladed slowly rotating fan, through which light spilled.
I don’t like the word order. Wouldn’t "equally large slowly rotating bladed fan" sound better?
It appeared to be the main source of light, which was focused the dais.
Missing word?
"All this is is torture, until it kills her. There's no point in waiting."
Is July stuttering?
Tortura, as an agent of the Plot Protectors of the Continuum, I charge you ...
Intentional?
To Kimberly's horror, Tortura's skin parted as the the bullet went through, and reformed around the bullet hole with a suckering fleshy sound.
One "the" is enough.
HG
"All this is, is torture". It's equivalent to saying "All we have is torture". English can throw out some ridiculous strings of words at times, and we have to bodge in punctuation to make them work.
"The 'is' is." The 'the is' is is the 'is is' is; the the is the the.
Or something.
hS
On the plus side, it seems missioning is like riding a bike. You nerver forget.
On the other side... How do you get at something no-selling the usual methods? Nobody respects a good old headshoot anymore.
Get it down, ladies. But please, make sure you comeback in one piece, and an entire one to boot.
doctorlit spelled out the good parts of this mission a lot more completely and a lot more eloquently than I could, so I'll just say "ditto" and leave it at that.
One question, though: Didn't you recruit six Agents total for this badfic? Where are the other four?
Of course, errors incoming:
1) Despite the sun shining above them, they were the only two around.
The logical connection between the clauses eludes me. Please explain: What does one have to do with the other?
2) the short hairs on the back of her neck and down her arms was pricked from a nonexistent chill.
Number agreement error: the hairs ... were pricked
3) No dumping it into a censorious country and hoping they declare it lewd and slash or obscene?
There's a punctuation error: it should be "lewd and-slash-or obscene"
4) "You aren't very threatening," she told it. "You're too titchy."
Was that a misspelling, or is "titchy" some regional slang that I am unfamiliar with? Dictionary.com suggests "tetchy".
5) Besides the whole unearthly atmosphere of horror and wrong pervading everything it's still a nice day,
There is a comma missing: "Besides the whole unearthly atmosphere of horror and wrong pervading everything, it's still a nice day,"
6) "Unless you're a sadist yeah."
Another missing comma: "Unless you're a sadist, yeah."
7) As far as humans rights go.
You added an extra letter; the term is human rights
8) He held a metal staff in hand, that was topped with a large 'Z'.
Delete the comma, or change the "that" to "which".
There is a definite level of embarrassment at somehow missing those items that are most definitely errors.
That said, with 1) it's not a logical error; sunny days are often a cause for people to be outside, especially in a canon like MMPR which heavily stressed on things like physical activity and being outside to its young audience. As far as 4) goes, 'titchy' is most definitely a word, and is definitely on dictionary.com.
As far as the recruitment of agents, July got two and Library hopefully got two. They may or may not show up in the final installment.
-July
Just looked again; you were right, "titchy" is on dictionary.com. Apparently something's awry between the site and the Firefox add-on that I was using at the time.
...they were intended as backup for the mission and would come in at the right time, I believe. Which would probably be later in this mission when they handle the really nasty stuff.
The different take on how the Word World was affected was not only refreshing, but very fitting considering the situation at hand.
... and how exactly that crazy girl that Agent!July is ended up enlisting in the Navy without trouble?
Good work, keep it up!
Also, Nikki would like to point out to Library that she shouldn't look down on trouser-wearing female Agents. As much as she prefers skirts too, she finds a pair of jeans to be far more practical on the field.
I'm happy you enjoyed that take.
And as far as how July got in, well. Nearly every snippet of conversation or comments coming from the sailors/marines in the first part of this and Stormbreak came from real 'I overheard this or was told about it' conversations or combinations. Bathwater guy, the weirdness of guys with author last name plus character last names working together, the pyro DC (damage control, basically firemen slash hardcore repairmen) complaining about wanting to set things on fire, the guy who couldn't keep his self-appointed callsign straight... Navy shenanigans actually gave me a lot of inspiration for writing PPC things.
And as far as Nikki goes, Library would like to comment that she doesn't look down upon agents who wear trousers, but it does get very tiresome when people comment on her choice of clothing.
-July
Oh, man, the Putties. They really are fantastic, aren't they? And I'm super glad you've made them the mini for Power Rangers; they deserve it!
The scene where you introduced Lord Zedd is quite gorgeous. I love that you described his throne room and appearance well enough to get across the malevolent feel of the setting, but without going purple prose. The freaky-but-appropriate scene transition on the way there goes a long way towards that mood, as well.
And. Tortura. Yeah. That is . . . I know a lot of the monsters on the show were on the dumber side conceptually, but . . . Wow. Tortura is just so baldly overt. And being made of books that discussed torture is particularly non-creative. I'm curious to see how you'll portray it (refuse to say "him") down the line. And for someone with, ostensibly, a torture kink, I get the feeling the author doesn't really understand torture much at all?
I'm intrigued by your choice to treat the world so differently than most missions, making the badfic nested inside the canon, rather than starting with a generic Word World space. It makes sense for such an old and well-known story, and gives "Agony in Pink" a much more parasitic feel compared to most badfics. Making the canon essentially empty is also a nice choice; it makes moments that should have made me feel all nostalgic, like visiting the Youth Center, feel unnerving instead, which adds to the tone of the world itself being inhabited by something wrong.
One little thing that I love muchly is that you have Kimberly take down some of the Putties once the agents reveal themselves. It's a short little moment, but it just feels extra good, knowing that AiP utterly dis-empowers her for plot reasons; I like that she gets her ability to fight back restored once she's rescued from the fic's influence.
—doctorlit was starting to feel like a poor fan, but now he understands why July seemed to retain so much more info on the show than he.
As far as the Putties go, they were the only choice, in my opinion.
Lord Zedd and his throne room were both pretty hard to describe, actually! I know that not everyone has seen MMPR or if they did necessarily remember it, since it was a kid's show from the 90s, remastered version or no.
Yup, Tortura is pretty bad.
Even when the show was sparse on extra there were still people around doing things, even when the main characters were the heaviest focus, because of how integrated they were with their community. So that played a small part in this decision.
I'm glad you liked that! While the Pink Ranger is very much... pink and the 'girly' one of the group, even in the show when they had the 'damsel in distress' moments the girls were never totally disenfranchised and fought back, too.
And as far as retainment goes, I had to do plenty of research to make sure I wasn't misremembering things and so I could describe and depict things right. So that helped out.
-July
I must admit, I did not see that ending coming. [Er, spoiler alert!]
Good on the agents for getting Kimberly out of there... I'm guessing she'll be replaced like the victims in "Rainbow Factory"? Though the fact that Tortura gave July an "lol nope" reaction and now knows there are agents out to get him is giving me a nasty feeling in my gut. Hope this turns out well for them.
On the matter of Kimberly that will be shown in the next part.
Tortura is definitely worth a "lolnope" reaction by default, especially since the fic itself is too strong for usual methods to do anything against it.