• I will not use the disguise generator around HQ.
• • It is confusing to show up every day as a different species.
• • • I'm pretty sure that disguise generators don't work in HQ, anyway.

• I will not kill Orson Scott Card's Hamlet fanfiction
• • No matter how much fun it is to make Mr. Card mad, he is still a published author.

• I will not recruit canons
• • No matter how obscure their home continua are or how much I like them
• • • Changing their names does not make them new characters.
• • • • That is acting like a badfic author.

((Let's see how many things hS and co. correct me on! =] ))

* I will refrain from asking if Agent Luxury would do anything for love.
** Or what she would do both for and with a Klondike bar. Lux is many things, but Marianne Faithfull ain't any of them.

* I will not coat any paperwork given to the Notary with a cutaneous, fast-acting hallucinogenic without at least three members of the Continuity Council of Gallifrey-in-Exile around to watch and/or record proceedings

* I will not launch Agent July out of a large, jerry-built catapult; this is in accordance with the ban on Flame Throwers.

* I will not attempt to gull unpopular recruits into replicating the Pop-Rocks and soda effect with prosecco and Bleeprin.
** If I do so, I am responsible for cleaning them up off the walls.
*** And floor.
**** And ceiling.
***** And surrounding corridors.
****** And... oh, you get the idea.

* In similar vein, I will stop repurposing cans of Miller Lite as impromptu hand grenades. This is a waste of Bleeprin; it is not, however, a waste of Miller Lite.

* I will not do That.
** Not under any circumstances.
*** Not even those.
**** Especially not Those.
***** Not even with This.
****** Not even over There.
******* Not even over There with This.
******** Not even under Those circumstances over There.
********* Not even with This under Those circumstances over There.


* I will not make a line of asterisks exceeding three.
** If I do, I will be incin- FMMMPH


* I will not make any joke that doesn't need a wiki page of some kind behind it to make sense.
** If I do, I will be incin- FMMMPH


* I will not freely mention the incineration process.
** FMMMPH

* I am not allowed to install telescreens in all of the Response Centers.
*I should refrain from talking in newspeak, because not everyone understands it. Furthermore, even in mainstream English it sounds strange.

1. The wolf pack does not need to hunt Alice's herd for food or for sport.
   1843. Under absolutely NO circumstances may I bring a Spark's creation or any technology from Girl Genius into HQ, in particular DoSAT or Medical.
   --Wasp-eaters can neither detect Sue-possessed canons nor be genetically modified to do so.
   --I am not the reincarnation of Lucrezia Mongfish or either Heterodyne Boy, and will not pretend to be even if doing so would make a good distraction.
   1844. Do not mention Michael Bay's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies within earshot of Trainee Miguel Correa.
   --Also, do not ask Agent Ami Seeker to sing the following songs: "Freebird," anything by Disturbed or AC/DC, "Think of Me," "Don't Stop Believin'," "Someday My Prince Will Come," "Once Upon a Dream," or any song from the movie Labyrinth.
   1845. Glittery gel pens may not be used to write mission reports, notes, or correspondence with Upstairs. Especially not pink or purple ones.

Figured I'd come up with at least one for each of my agents. Plus some other general ones.

Agent-specific:
- Do not try to take away Rashida's inhaler. Especially not while she's in the middle of using it.
- Do not regard the Gold/Silver, Diamond/Pearl, or Black/White games as the "worst generation" of the Pokemon series within Falchion's vicinity.
-- For that matter, do not espouse "Genwunner" viewpoints in front of Falchion unless you want to lose an eye.
- Similarly, it is theoretically impossible to say anything along the lines of "Feathered dinosaurs are stupid" (or any other "awesomebro" sentiments) within earshot of Velociripper and not lose at least one limb.
- You can only try hand-feeding Rayner once. And for the love of the Princesses, if you offer him any sort of meat product, do NOT jiggle it around to make it look like it's alive.
- To tell E.V.L. either that men are the superior gender or that ex-Suvians are inferior WILL land you in Medical for at least a week, no matter how you word it.
- Do not joke about things getting caught in jet turbines around Sarah. If you do and she inevitably responds accordingly, do NOT ask her to knock out two of my teeth or less.
- Do not try to pluck Cupid's wing feathers. He HATES that. Also, if he has a legitimate excuse to grab himself a drink, you should just let him.
- DO. NOT. TRY. TO. KILL. LAPIS'. FRIENDS. PERIOD.
- Do not say "I'm really feeling it!" if Backslash is in earshot.
- For that matter, do NOT try to flirt with Backslash if Whitney is in earshot.

General:
- Do not try to ask the DMFF if you can have Leviathan or Behemoth as a pet, in any form, from any continuum. Especially not the originals from the Book of Job.
- Sneaking up on someone walking through the PPC halls and plowing them through the nearest wall is only funny once. Shouting "GANK!" while doing so is only funny twice.
- Do not try to use your console to stream any dirty (i.e. 18+) material. Not even if you work in Bad Slash or any related departments thereof.
- Pterosaurs do not make good hang gliders.
- If you organize a game night at your RC, let the Flowers know as soon as possible lest your console go off and ruin your winning spree at Monopoly.
- Likewise, dance parties in HQ are not to last until any time after 3 AM without Upstairs receiving advance notification. Especially if they involve dubstep, square dancing, or both.
- Do not mix Bleeproducts with love potions in any form from any continuum. It NEVER ends well.

*Flamethrowers are not acceptable substitutes for radiators.
**In a similar vein, laser-based weaponry cannot be used as laser pointers.
***Even if you like the pew-pew noise they make.

*There can only be one.

*Shouting "Bring the Suvian to me-- dead or alive!" prior to an assassination is a Bad Idea.
**Same goes for "Witness me!"

*I must always refill the Bleeprin stocks.

*"Macho Man" by the Village People is not the DIA's theme tune.

*I will not use a BFG 9000 on anything that isn't a Suvian.
**Anyways, I probably can't afford one.
***Or the ammo.
****I will never be as cool as the Doomguy.

Here are a few, I guess:
* Newbies do not need to know the other possible origin for the word "squick".
** Especially not with a link to that one Lucius/Draco fic.
* I will not try to spork the Powerpuff Girls reboot. Yes, we know it hurts, but it's published.
* Speaking of which, no twerking in HQ under any circumstances.
* Even if my home planet is flat, I will not insist that World One is as well. Some people will believe me. It's not as funny as I think.
* No, it probably doesn't need "More boosters". Or struts. Even if I think it does, I'll call DoSAT.
* I will not attempt to "Feed the Deep Space Kraken Suvians". It probably won't work, and if it does, it's cruel.
** What would Kerbal Space Program badfic even look like anyway?
*** I will not send Kerbal Space Program badfic to the authors of this list unless they explicitly asked to.
* My religion is probably not Homestuck.
** Or Undertale.
* None of the Flowers have "friendliness pellets", and I will not mention those near any of them.

*Marina Nicodelli must never be brought near the DoSAT to see what happens.
** Even if the ensuing mayhem is a great view.
***Seriously, don't do this. The Techies will have your head.
** Don't trick her to come close intensive care too. Even the First Law won't protect you.

* Do not give white chocolate to Richard. Heresy must be fought everywhere.
** Adding milk and sugar to coffee and tea makes everyone sad. Please do not do this.
** Age of Sigmarines? Do you want to kill him?

I know I only wrote few stories with them, but if anyone has got other ideas for my agents...

* I will not tell Valon Vance he is assigned to Agony in Pink.
** Or Sweet Apple Massacre.
** Or Cupcakes. That one has already been dealt with.
** I will not tell Valon that he's been assigned to ANY torturefic without the express protection of the Flowers.
*** If I do, I understand that I fully deserve every broken bone from that shovel.

* Response Center 512 does not have a lock or even a door. This does not mean I am permitted to walk in and do as I please when the agents are out.

Any more you guys can think of for my agents?

But I refuse to let that opportunity go.

-I won't put together two genderbent versions of a character to see what happens. Results are clear.

1. I'm not allowed to befriend fellow agents via the Nanoha method
   
   1840. Saying that Percy Jackson is getting a third movie is just cruel
   
   1841. I'm not allowed to call Agent Ajax "Mr. Fairy"
   
   -Odds are you'll go the way of Kronos
   
   -Or that of multiple beowolves
   
   -Or get blasted a Clefable
   
   -Or get smack on the back of the head