Subject: I have one
Author:
Posted on: 2016-05-02 20:50:00 UTC
* I am not allowed to teleport Valon and Kala to a space under two full moons to see what would happen
** We already know what happens with one
** Nor with three
** Four is right out
It's been three years people, some of us want a good laugh.
~Mattman, who has just now mustered the courage to post this
• I will not use the disguise generator around HQ.
• • It is confusing to show up every day as a different species.
• • • I'm pretty sure that disguise generators don't work in HQ, anyway.
• I will not kill Orson Scott Card's Hamlet fanfiction
• • No matter how much fun it is to make Mr. Card mad, he is still a published author.
• I will not recruit canons
• • No matter how obscure their home continua are or how much I like them
• • • Changing their names does not make them new characters.
• • • • That is acting like a badfic author.
((Let's see how many things hS and co. correct me on! =] ))
* I will refrain from asking if Agent Luxury would do anything for love.
** Or what she would do both for and with a Klondike bar. Lux is many things, but Marianne Faithfull ain't any of them.
* I will not coat any paperwork given to the Notary with a cutaneous, fast-acting hallucinogenic without at least three members of the Continuity Council of Gallifrey-in-Exile around to watch and/or record proceedings
* I will not launch Agent July out of a large, jerry-built catapult; this is in accordance with the ban on Flame Throwers.
* I will not attempt to gull unpopular recruits into replicating the Pop-Rocks and soda effect with prosecco and Bleeprin.
** If I do so, I am responsible for cleaning them up off the walls.
*** And floor.
**** And ceiling.
***** And surrounding corridors.
****** And... oh, you get the idea.
* In similar vein, I will stop repurposing cans of Miller Lite as impromptu hand grenades. This is a waste of Bleeprin; it is not, however, a waste of Miller Lite.
* I will not do That.
** Not under any circumstances.
*** Not even those.
**** Especially not Those.
***** Not even with This.
****** Not even over There.
******* Not even over There with This.
******** Not even under Those circumstances over There.
********* Not even with This under Those circumstances over There.
* I will not make a line of asterisks exceeding three.
** If I do, I will be incin- FMMMPH
* I will not make any joke that doesn't need a wiki page of some kind behind it to make sense.
** If I do, I will be incin- FMMMPH
* I will not freely mention the incineration process.
** FMMMPH
* I am not allowed to install telescreens in all of the Response Centers.
*I should refrain from talking in newspeak, because not everyone understands it. Furthermore, even in mainstream English it sounds strange.
Figured I'd come up with at least one for each of my agents. Plus some other general ones.
Agent-specific:
- Do not try to take away Rashida's inhaler. Especially not while she's in the middle of using it.
- Do not regard the Gold/Silver, Diamond/Pearl, or Black/White games as the "worst generation" of the Pokemon series within Falchion's vicinity.
-- For that matter, do not espouse "Genwunner" viewpoints in front of Falchion unless you want to lose an eye.
- Similarly, it is theoretically impossible to say anything along the lines of "Feathered dinosaurs are stupid" (or any other "awesomebro" sentiments) within earshot of Velociripper and not lose at least one limb.
- You can only try hand-feeding Rayner once. And for the love of the Princesses, if you offer him any sort of meat product, do NOT jiggle it around to make it look like it's alive.
- To tell E.V.L. either that men are the superior gender or that ex-Suvians are inferior WILL land you in Medical for at least a week, no matter how you word it.
- Do not joke about things getting caught in jet turbines around Sarah. If you do and she inevitably responds accordingly, do NOT ask her to knock out two of my teeth or less.
- Do not try to pluck Cupid's wing feathers. He HATES that. Also, if he has a legitimate excuse to grab himself a drink, you should just let him.
- DO. NOT. TRY. TO. KILL. LAPIS'. FRIENDS. PERIOD.
- Do not say "I'm really feeling it!" if Backslash is in earshot.
- For that matter, do NOT try to flirt with Backslash if Whitney is in earshot.
General:
- Do not try to ask the DMFF if you can have Leviathan or Behemoth as a pet, in any form, from any continuum. Especially not the originals from the Book of Job.
- Sneaking up on someone walking through the PPC halls and plowing them through the nearest wall is only funny once. Shouting "GANK!" while doing so is only funny twice.
- Do not try to use your console to stream any dirty (i.e. 18+) material. Not even if you work in Bad Slash or any related departments thereof.
- Pterosaurs do not make good hang gliders.
- If you organize a game night at your RC, let the Flowers know as soon as possible lest your console go off and ruin your winning spree at Monopoly.
- Likewise, dance parties in HQ are not to last until any time after 3 AM without Upstairs receiving advance notification. Especially if they involve dubstep, square dancing, or both.
- Do not mix Bleeproducts with love potions in any form from any continuum. It NEVER ends well.
*Flamethrowers are not acceptable substitutes for radiators.
**In a similar vein, laser-based weaponry cannot be used as laser pointers.
***Even if you like the pew-pew noise they make.
*There can only be one.
*Shouting "Bring the Suvian to me-- dead or alive!" prior to an assassination is a Bad Idea.
**Same goes for "Witness me!"
*I must always refill the Bleeprin stocks.
*"Macho Man" by the Village People is not the DIA's theme tune.
*I will not use a BFG 9000 on anything that isn't a Suvian.
**Anyways, I probably can't afford one.
***Or the ammo.
****I will never be as cool as the Doomguy.
Where's all the HQ-in-general ones?
*The Cafeteria's "Wednesday Special" is not a secret experiment involving unaware test subjects and a wide variety of mysterious chemicals.
**It doesn't even taste good.
***My partner is not a food taster.
*I will not blame DoI for a particularly bad assignment.
*Using portals to try and air-drop supplies to myself is a Bad Idea.
*A battleaxe is not a suitable exorcism tool.
*Even if you use "the flat part".
*Do not think about the Dream Crabs.
*My partner's safety blanket is not my safety blanket.
*Just because I have a katana doesn't mean I know how to use it.
*I am not invincible.
**I am not invisible either.
***The SEP patch can only protect against so much.
A lot of the good "General HQ" ideas have been used already. Besides, there's nothing wrong with agent-specific ones, right?
Here are a few, I guess:
* Newbies do not need to know the other possible origin for the word "squick".
** Especially not with a link to that one Lucius/Draco fic.
* I will not try to spork the Powerpuff Girls reboot. Yes, we know it hurts, but it's published.
* Speaking of which, no twerking in HQ under any circumstances.
* Even if my home planet is flat, I will not insist that World One is as well. Some people will believe me. It's not as funny as I think.
* No, it probably doesn't need "More boosters". Or struts. Even if I think it does, I'll call DoSAT.
* I will not attempt to "Feed the Deep Space Kraken Suvians". It probably won't work, and if it does, it's cruel.
** What would Kerbal Space Program badfic even look like anyway?
*** I will not send Kerbal Space Program badfic to the authors of this list unless they explicitly asked to.
* My religion is probably not Homestuck.
** Or Undertale.
* None of the Flowers have "friendliness pellets", and I will not mention those near any of them.
* I will not bring a Machine Of Death into HQ.
** Seriously, the results will be depressing.
** I will especially not use it on Time Lord agents. It just confuses it.
*Marina Nicodelli must never be brought near the DoSAT to see what happens.
** Even if the ensuing mayhem is a great view.
***Seriously, don't do this. The Techies will have your head.
** Don't trick her to come close intensive care too. Even the First Law won't protect you.
* Do not give white chocolate to Richard. Heresy must be fought everywhere.
** Adding milk and sugar to coffee and tea makes everyone sad. Please do not do this.
** Age of Sigmarines? Do you want to kill him?
I know I only wrote few stories with them, but if anyone has got other ideas for my agents...
* I won't try to get in a stare contest with a Dresdenverse practicioner of magic.
** If they're fic characters, the money needed by FicPsych to deal with their memories will come from my pocket.
** If they're agents... I hope they have got humour.
***And run away once i collected myself.
* I won't switch anyone's DS with a COMP.
** If I do it, I'm on my own to deal with the ensuing demonic invasion.
* I won't try elevator jokes with Elizabeth and Theodore.
** Limousine jokes with Margaret are also out of question.
*** Jail jokes with Caroline and Justine shouldn't be done either.
**** Seriously, don't make fun of Velvet Room attendants.
* I won't try to repaint the Velvet Room.
** Especially if I try to use glittery paint.
* Forcing people to read Marie's poems is a form of torture, and is henceforth forbidden.
** Besides, the Sues just love them.
* Trying to shoot people wth an Evoker to see what happens is a Bad Idea.
** Especially if FicPsych patients are targeted.
* I won't organize a meat eater competition between Chie Satonaka and Akihiko Sanada.
** There is no country who can afford the meat they would eat.
* I won't punch Philemon.
** Even if he deserved it.
*** Actually, he didn't have much of a choice...
**** *flame war*
* Playing at 'He loves me... he loves me not' with the Marquis is a bad idea.
** Even if I get a 'He loves me' result.
* I will not mail a literal bag of glitter to Richard.
** Or I'll have to clean it all up.
* I will not tell Valon Vance he is assigned to Agony in Pink.
** Or Sweet Apple Massacre.
** Or Cupcakes. That one has already been dealt with.
** I will not tell Valon that he's been assigned to ANY torturefic without the express protection of the Flowers.
*** If I do, I understand that I fully deserve every broken bone from that shovel.
* Response Center 512 does not have a lock or even a door. This does not mean I am permitted to walk in and do as I please when the agents are out.
Any more you guys can think of for my agents?
* I will not enter Zeke and Adéle Bowen's laboratory while wearing a green wig, holding a parasol, and accompanied by the Sunflower Official.
** Yes, that seems random as anything, but if I do this anyway, I understand that I deserve the Hyper Beam.
* I am not allowed to teleport Valon and Kala to a space under two full moons to see what would happen
** We already know what happens with one
** Nor with three
** Four is right out
** Infact, don't expose any Monster Musume linimals to the light of the full moon.
*** That is, if you still want to stand for the next week.
**** Disregard anything Luxury says on the matter.
But I refuse to let that opportunity go.
-I won't put together two genderbent versions of a character to see what happens. Results are clear.