Subject: Okay, so.
Author:
Posted on: 2016-04-20 20:18:00 UTC

It is now my pleasure to say: Permission Granted!

It's not perfect—your betas unfortunately missed quite a few technical errors and some general clunkiness, such as the "quest" line somebody else mentioned—but I'm sure that will all improve with time and experience, so I ain't fussed.

The characters look fine; my only comment is that I'm not sure you understand the two parts of tsundere. The tsun tsun side is the aloof, angry side; the dere dere side is the sweet, lovey-dovey one.

I'm very glad to see you've reined in the ADHD shenanigans without dropping that aspect of the character, him being a self-insert and all.

Specific comments on the prompts follow.

Random Prompt

I love this bit:

He kept moving, dodging and occasionally chopping food out of the air with a stale baguette or shielding himself with a trashcan lid. He found that the deeper he went the more of a selection there was of food. Case in point; an agent who’d stuck a stick into an entire watermelon and was using it as a warhammer.

“Really?!” Matthew complained, blocking the (very sticky) blow with his trashcan lid.
I don't know where Matthew got a trashcan lid, but I don't particularly care. The mental images are great. ^_^ (To point out one of the technical errors, though, that semicolon should be a regular colon. Oh, and a comma would be very welcome here: "the deeper he went, the more of a selection" etc.)

Does the grape-themed guy with the grape-themed gun use grapeshot ammo? ... I guess he doesn't. But he should.

This piece contains lots of descriptions of moves and stuff from franchises I don't know. I found a bit tiresome, but not exactly bad.

The narrative style is inconsistent, though, and that made it an odd read. I'd recommend either going with a hardcore story-telling narrator or introducing your exposition more naturally in future pieces. Either way can work. It could be a lot of fun to have a snarky, all-knowing narrator talking directly to the audience, a character in its own right. It's just weird and intrusive when it only happens sometimes.

Control Prompt

Overall, this piece feels much more polished and has a consistent narrative voice. It's not as fun, but that's okay. I do really like the censorship joke. (Did I comment on this before? I feel like I did.)

And... that's that. So, good job! Work on the SPaG and whatnot, but otherwise, go forth and spork with goodwill!

(And I'll get around to fixing Matthew's blood type soon. Making any changes requires redoing the whole thing from scratch, is all.)

~Neshomeh

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