On his flight from Baron Thanasius Ampelius's wrath, Hieronymus the hermit found himself standing on the ceiling of a broom cupboard, as he often appears in unlikely places at unexpected times. He heard an eldrich voice whispering, 'Which might explain your disrespect'. Startled, Hieronymus looked around and noticed three archways leading from the high-ceiled chamber to other places. From the southern exit, Voyd the Level 14 Vampire Watermelon glared at him.
Voyd bared its fangs, and Hieronymus turned around and fled into a maze of twisty passages, all alike, where he easily might have been eaten by a grue. 'It... that... what?' called Hieronymus out; then he stopped and wondered why he had so inexplicably done this. Finally, he found the exit that led to the East, and stepped through...
…to enter a maze of twisty passages, all alike, where he easily might have been eaten by a grue. Here, however, a strange carving on the wall read in ancient letters, 'Indeed not'. Silently wondering what a grue might even look like, the hermit explored the maze and found exits leading to all cardinal points, but the eastern exit was blocked by Desdendelle the Level 42 Dragon. He also found a tightly-rolled scroll that had been hidden in a corner. On reading out the text, 'The Shipfest cares little for orientation', Hieronymus felt a surge of wellbeing. Blinking letters appeared in mid-air, telling that his health had just increased by two to twelve.
Since he looked this direction anyway, the hermit went northward into a darkened sitting room. For some reason, the only sofa had been turned upside-down. Above it, a helmet floated mysteriously in the air, engulfed in flames. Another eldritch voice – or may it be the same as before, thought Hieronymus – whispered, 'Cat-on-the-Keyboard/Data Junkie: computers ship'. Seeing that there was no exit in front of him, and that Phobos the Level 31 Piranha lured to the right, Hieronymus grabbed the Helmet of JulyFlame, surprisingly not burning his fingers at all, and turned left.
Behind this archway lay a sunlit open courtyard. On a pedestal sat a coffee mug with a label reading, 'I know heaps'. The silence was broken by a sudden scream of, 'Aipom can work'. Hieronymus picked up the coffee mug and downed it. He felt a surge of wellbeing, but not as strong as from reading the scroll.
Against a door in the opposite wall of the courtyard leant TheShyIon, a Level 1 Troubadour. Seeing that there was no other way, Hieronymus went straight forward and punched her with his bare hands. 'This punch is super effective!' exclaimed a loud, annoying voice. 'You hit TheShyIon for 4 damage! You have slain TheShyIon the Troubadour! You gain 1 gold!'
Stepping over the limp body*), Hieronymus entered a well-lit sitting room. There was a strange carving on the wall. In ancient letters, it read, 'Don’t feel like this'. The Wand of Tomash leant against another wall. Since this was apparently a dead end, Hieronymus picked up the wand, turned around and walked straight back through the courtyard to the darkened sitting room. Phobos grinned at him from the pool in the next chamber, but Hieronymus turned right and walked into the central maze again. There he picked up the tightly-rolled scroll and read out the text, 'The Shipfest cares little for orientation'. Slightly surprised, he felt another surge of wellbeing, and blinking letters told that his health had just increased to fifteen.
Hieronymus wondered briefly whether he should go back and try to drink from the coffee mug twice, too, but considering that there were still unexplored places, he rather wiggled his way back through the adjacent mazes, turned left into the chamber with the broom cupboard, and then, ignoring the glaring Vampire Watermelon, right into a darkened sitting room. In the dim light that fell through the archways from adjacent rooms, the only sofa was barely visible, but Hieronymus could still see that it had been turned upside down. May I have been gone in circles? he thought. Nah, that can't be. The other darkened sitting room didn't force me to inexplicably call out, 'And may his beard grow ever longer. XD Happy B-Day!' And what's that thing hanging from that rope? And what's that over ther— Arrgh!.
Realizing that Scapegrace, a Level 54 Serpent of Cruelty, dwelt beyond the room's only other exit, Hieronymus left the Atlatl of Huinesoron behind**) and retreated far back to the central maze. There, he got another look onto the scroll, and two more health points. Desdendelle the Dragon growled at him from the eastern passageway, but there was still one door left to the right.
Thus, Hieronymus entered another well-lit sitting room. This one's strange carving on the wall read, in ancient letters, 'Fallouts'. There was also a sword somebody had abandoned there, and a dragon growling from the eastern passageway. Hieronymus examined the Sword of Elcalion, but found it weaker and less reliable than the Wand of Tomash, so he left it alone. Having run out of options, the hermit returned to the central maze and prepared for the inevitable, reading and re-reading the Scroll of Health until an annoyed voice told him, 'Your health is already full'.
Hieronymus stepped back into the well-lit sitting room and pointed his wand at DCCCV the Level 11 Dragon. 'Sectumsempra!'
'You hit DCCCV for 6 damage!' boomed the loud, annoying voice. 'DCCCV the Dragon has 27 health remaining.'
The Dragon roared and breathed a firestorm.
'DCCCV hits you for 22 damage! But your Helmet of JulyFlame takes 21 of the damage! You have 19 health remaining.'
Nice, thought Hieronymus. Who would have expected that a flaming helmet is an efficient protection against fire. But I'll need a really strong spell to bring this dragon down. He braced himself for the terrible blow he had to deliver and shouted, 'Avada Kedavra!'
Alas, Hieronymus the hermit was never a hateful person, or maybe his aim was just too bad.
The dragon roared again. Fire met fire, and the loud, annoying voice boomed, 'DCCCV hits you for 12 damage! But your Helmet of JulyFlame takes all of the damage! You have 19 health remaining.'
Hieronymus jogged his brain and remembered the mightiest spell he had ever heard of. 'Expelliarmus!'
'You hit DCCCV for 10 damage! DCCCV the Dragon has 17 health remaining.'
And for the third time roared the dragon and breathed another firestorm, and the flaming helmet failed its trusting bearer, and then...
It's dark here. And cramped. I can't barely move. The floor is not flat. I can feel it rise smoothly on all sides, right up to the ceiling. There aren't any edges or corners, just this … globe? What the— did somebody put me into a pokéball?
HG, who apparently is a level 5***) dungeon crawler.
*) I'm so sorry, Shy.
**) I guess that was a mistake; although less reliable than the Wand of Tomash, the Atlatl is (probably very much) stronger.
***) Based on the front page about eight hours ago, before Huinesoron updated the game.
