HAPPY DAY OF BIRTH.

The Book of Faces never lies. Thank you, July.

Facial Hair Status: Vandal Savage

-Phobos

Let me give you a self-updating guidebook of all of the deathtraps in the multiverse. (I have got a shortage of black-hole stuff for the moment.)

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
MAY ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE
HOPE NOBODY MAKES YOU BLUE
AND YOUR CAKE DOESN'T EXPLODE IN GOO!

*blows noisemakers*

Ekhm... GRAB THE CHAIR, BOYS! WE'VE GOT ANOTHER BUCKET-KICKER!

THIS TIME WE'RE PLAYING FOR THE GOD OF FEAR!

[HIT IT]

Happy Birthday my olde friend.
It seems this horror show will never end.
Any moment's your last breath,
Here is to another day closer to death.

The cake is on the table,
And it is awfully bright,
'Cause there's so many candles on top.
But you are so decrepit,
Your chest so tight,
When you blow them out your lungs are gonna pop.

You cannot complain
Each time you feel a pain,
Though you have arthritis and gout.
'Cause when you start kvetching,
All your teeth fall out.

So have another cigarette,
Have another beer,
Raise your glass to one more year. (GONE!)

Happy Birthday my olde friend.
It seems this horror show will never end.
Any moment's your last breath,
Here is to another day closer to death.

Your skin is so worn out and old,
All over your body it's sagging.
Especially loose is your old caboose,
You're dragging it behind you in a wagon.

Well, you're an alcoholic,
And you're blind and deaf,
And you have Alzheimer's I bet.
You're too old to remember,
But you're too drunk to forget.

So have another cigarette,
Have another beer,
Raise your glass to one more year. (GONE!)

Happy Birthday my olde friend.
It seems this horror show will never end.
Any moment's your last breath,
Here is to another day closer to death.

You're so old you smell like dust,
And now your bones begin to rust.
See that face, it's full of wrinkles.

So have another cigarette,
Have another beer,
Raise that chair to one more year. (RAISE!)

Happy Birthday my olde friend.
It seems this horror show will never end.
Any moment's your last breath,
Here is to another day closer to death.

Happy Birthday my olde friend.
It seems this horror show will never end.
Any moment's your last breath,
Here is to another day closer to death.

... okay, so that was going to be a reference to an old Cadbury's advert:

A ha... a ha... a happy birthday to Phobos!

But unfortunately I ended up in children's literature instead:

Aha! Oho! A track in the snow!
Whose is this birthday? And where did they go?

Also, I feel I ought to discard all of the above and go for a Tolkien joke instead:

Happy birthday! And may your beard never grow thin!

The word 'beard' appears 38 times in The Hobbit.

Make of all this what you will.

hS