Subject: Small mission, big errors
Author:
Posted on: 2016-01-07 03:16:00 UTC

I usually start with the positives, but in this case, please pardon the departure from the norm, as I believe this error (made twice) needs to be addressed first.
Twice, you mention characters in such a way that we should have already been introduced to them...when said mention is the very first mention of the character. To wit:

Michael… sadly, he can’t live. He enables too much of this fic to occur, and he can’t assimilate into canon.
At this point in the mission, the reader has never seen the name "Michael" yet. It's only in the next scene that we find out that Michael is Harry's uncanonical brother. But the way Valon says this line, it is obvious that Valon and Kala know who Michael is. I'd suggest moving this line further into the mission.

Spring-Harry… sorry, Spring-Michael and Blair Blacking will conveniently be in a place for us to deal with them at the same time.
Same thing. The reader never got introduced to Blair Backing before, so the reader has no idea why she needs to be dealt with.

One more error, a minor one in comparison:
I think we can confirm; the Spring-Bonnie suit was replaced as well.
Delete the semicolon or rewrite as follows: "I think we can confirm it: the Spring-Bonnie suit was replaced as well."

That said, onto the positives: Aside from the major errors (I had to use CTRL-F to make sure that I didn't somehow miss a mention), I was not lost in your mission; I could follow it well. And the double-replacement's death was a stroke of brilliance. Even the most OP of Stus has a weakness.

One question: When you were writing this fic, did you consider charging for the many comma splices throughout the fic?

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