since I betaed this. But I feel like I should be facepalming or something, as some errors still slipped through!

1) Godling!Hermione had turned blue, the scarf tightening around her neck with every breath. And by the time Sarah had finished reading off the charges to her, she’d gone limp.

Tense shift (pluperfect to present back to pluperfect). It should read thus:

Godling!Hermione had turned blue, the scarf having tightened around her neck with every breath. And by the time Sarah had finished reading off the charges to her, she’d gone limp.

2) Apparently, the two of them had been fighting as Sarah had predicted earlier.

I'd suggest a comma before "as".

How the duck Potter fics manage to attract such crazy fans? I swear, it feels like they cannot write anything without destroying anything set by the canon. Great ironic deaths for the replacements, continue like this.

P.S.: Backslash, never your name was so deserved. Let someone he's not a person people explain to you how wrong your behaviour was... *beats some sense to him with my training cane* (I'm calm, I'm not using a sword.)