... and while I glanced over the mission, I couldn’t avoid noticing a person named "Makes-Thinks" mentioned in the last line. I assume this isn’t intentional?

And then, since I can’t do something half, I gave it the full treatment:

"The story will sort that out," came his reply.
I’m not sure whether this is Dafydd’s reply because it is addressed at him, or whether it should be Vemi’s reply because she apparently is replying.

According to the author, it was obvious from Albert's expression that he though Death was going to mess around in somebody else's life again.
Should be "thought".

There are several instances where I wonder whether "in to" should be "into".

the assassin began opening cupboards and searching through them for food.
"The" should be capitalized.

Not for the first time that day, Dafydd found himself being treated to one of Vemi's special death glares. The kind of glares usually reserved for greenery and particularly evil 'Sues.
"Are you questioning my cooking skills?"
Is this meant to be one paragraph or two paragraphs?

where they 'Sue wouldn't notice them
Should be "the".

For a few minutes, they were silent as the ridiculous show carried on. Every so often, one of them would wince as a crime against canon was committed. At last, Al started her car.
"Enter one swirly vortex. Get ready to jump, Dafydd, we're hitching a lift."
Again, one paragraph or two?

Vemi grinned manically at him before running off, staying low to avoid being seen, in the direction of the 'Sue.
I think this would sound much better if "staying low to avoid being seen" were moved to the end of the sentence. And you would get a spare comma out of it :-)

"Suits me fine," replied Vemi, "you're lucky it wasn't a dagger or I'd have been ready to kill for it. Are you planning on giving it to Selene?"
She watched Albert spooning down the fried porridge and contemplated stealing the remains and feeding it to the SO.
One paragraph or two?

Vemi looked around, expecting to see Death arrive at any moment, but he didn't appear.
"Right. Keep an eye out for Death whilst I read out the charge list."
One paragraph or two?

"Wait!" Vemi, still holding a dagger to the 'Sues neck to stop her from escaping, stuffed let go of the 'Sues arm and tugged a glass vial free from her belt.
I think the word "stuffed" shouldn’t be there.

HG

I'm asking it because I discovered an author in the Pit who wrote many Dresden Files stories who are badfics, in my opinion at least, and I would want to mission some of them when/if I get Permission.

I don't want to target this author deliberately, but the stories I read seem really bad, and twist the universe a lot.
What's your opinion about this?

Hardric.