Subject: Permission giver hat is now on.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-10-25 03:42:00 UTC
AGENTS
I have a few qualms about the character of Meg. I found her personality to be abrasive, especially when in combination with the prompts. I get that was the point, but I would argue that even the most bristly jackass of a character needs to have some redeeming features (or failing that, be either super interesting in some other way or prone to falling flat on their face). The little "thank you" text didn't really do enough to endear her to me. I will admit that's something that would probably come out better in a longer piece, but I'm still bringing it up for you to think about.
Michelle seemed quite good, although I should note that I know nothing about Kingsman. I like a good "ditzy" character every now and again.
One more minor thing. It was a little confusing for me to have characters named "Mitchell" and "Michelle." Is that going to be a plot point later on?
PROMPTS
"Going Postal" had some technical issues that stuck out to me. The first paragraph, for example, has a sizable run-on sentence that is very clunky to read. The texting was also somewhat problematic, especially in one exchange that occurs without any intermediary text. Since it's all in italics, it can be a little frustrating to suss out who's saying what.
Clarification question: why did Michelle have such a positive reaction to Meg writing "Thanks Mitch"? I would think that being called by Meg's ex-partner's name would have the opposite effect.
I also didn't understand why Michelle needed to lie in order to see Meg. I don't see how that would have worked better than saying "I'm her partner, are you sure I can't see her" or something. Unless she's trying some sort of escape attempt, which I don't see working at all.
The second prompts better, if a bit insubstantial. I feel like there wasn't enough interaction between the agents before the mission alarm went off. It was also confused why Michelle was clearly referred to as "not Shelly" in the text and yet as Shelly twice in the disclaimer.
In both prompts, you had several one-sentence paragraphs that did not need to be as such. It's not a strict grammatical rule, but I've always felt that those should really be reserved either for dialogue or something so serious that it needs its own paragraph as a form of emphasis. Otherwise, it can feel out-of-place.
FIC CHOICE
I know nothing about the Brotherband Chronicles, but I saw more than a number of technical errors while skimming the first few paragraphs. That works for me.
COMMUNITY PARTICIPATION
No complaints here. Gold star.
It took no small amount of back-and-forth deliberation, but I'm going to have to say that permission is denied. While your writing shows promise, I feel it needs a bit more technical tightening before you submit again. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.