Darn. Thanks for the feedback

Permission Request by Dorano on 2015-10-23 00:25:00 UTC Reply

*curtains open*
*spotlights come on*
*flash, bang, smoke*

HELLO! And welcome, to a not-very anticipated show - DORANO'S PERMISSION REQUEST! I present to you -

PPC Agents Meg Finley and Michelle Rivers!

Get a taste of their adventures in:
Writing Prompt Going Postal, in which Meg is dragged off to FicPsych (and Michelle has to clean up the mess).
Writing Prompt The TwoSue, in which our intrepid heroes prepare to tackle a mission in the Warriors continuum.

For our first official installment, Meg and Michelle will tackle this atrocity of a Brotherband Chronicles fic -
The Sisterband Chronicles! (Contained in the summary are two charges - this is gonna be a long mission, folks...)

Special thanks to Irish, Scapegrace, and Tira for beta-reading all three documents and guiding poor soul Dorano on her way to a Permission-holder.

Permission giver hat is now on. by PoorCynic on 2015-10-25 03:42:00 UTC Reply

AGENTS
I have a few qualms about the character of Meg. I found her personality to be abrasive, especially when in combination with the prompts. I get that was the point, but I would argue that even the most bristly jackass of a character needs to have some redeeming features (or failing that, be either super interesting in some other way or prone to falling flat on their face). The little "thank you" text didn't really do enough to endear her to me. I will admit that's something that would probably come out better in a longer piece, but I'm still bringing it up for you to think about.

Michelle seemed quite good, although I should note that I know nothing about Kingsman. I like a good "ditzy" character every now and again.

One more minor thing. It was a little confusing for me to have characters named "Mitchell" and "Michelle." Is that going to be a plot point later on?

PROMPTS
"Going Postal" had some technical issues that stuck out to me. The first paragraph, for example, has a sizable run-on sentence that is very clunky to read. The texting was also somewhat problematic, especially in one exchange that occurs without any intermediary text. Since it's all in italics, it can be a little frustrating to suss out who's saying what.

Clarification question: why did Michelle have such a positive reaction to Meg writing "Thanks Mitch"? I would think that being called by Meg's ex-partner's name would have the opposite effect.

I also didn't understand why Michelle needed to lie in order to see Meg. I don't see how that would have worked better than saying "I'm her partner, are you sure I can't see her" or something. Unless she's trying some sort of escape attempt, which I don't see working at all.

The second prompts better, if a bit insubstantial. I feel like there wasn't enough interaction between the agents before the mission alarm went off. It was also confused why Michelle was clearly referred to as "not Shelly" in the text and yet as Shelly twice in the disclaimer.

In both prompts, you had several one-sentence paragraphs that did not need to be as such. It's not a strict grammatical rule, but I've always felt that those should really be reserved either for dialogue or something so serious that it needs its own paragraph as a form of emphasis. Otherwise, it can feel out-of-place.

FIC CHOICE
I know nothing about the Brotherband Chronicles, but I saw more than a number of technical errors while skimming the first few paragraphs. That works for me.

COMMUNITY PARTICIPATION
No complaints here. Gold star.

It took no small amount of back-and-forth deliberation, but I'm going to have to say that permission is denied. While your writing shows promise, I feel it needs a bit more technical tightening before you submit again. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.

Darn. Thanks for the feedback by Dorano on 2015-10-25 06:36:00 UTC Reply

I could argue that Meg's loyalty is her redeeming quality, but if she's coming across as a coldhearted witch then I'm doing it wrong anyway, so I won't argue because it won't change anything.

Kingsman is a fantastic movie and I recommend it wholeheartedly.

The similarity between Mitchell and Michelle was going to be a plot point. Until then, Michelle will be referred to as 'rookie' or 'Shelly' by Meg, and Mitchell will be universally referred to as Mitch. I believe my reasoning was something along the lines of 'proper names in the files' et cetera.

Texting is difficult to format and I'm open to any help on that front.

Michelle had a positive response to that for two reasons, only one of which is in-universe. The first reason is that it's the first time that Meg has referred to her in a non-degrading way, because Meg is not a nice person. The second reason is because it originally said 'rookie' and I didn't catch the dissonance when I redid it, because I'm a moron. Same prompt different problem - Michelle WAS planning a breakout, but you're right in that it was a bad, bad idea that I am fixing..

And finally, I will add more to the second prompt.

*catches stray punctuation* (nm) by Dorano on 2015-10-25 06:36:00 UTC Reply