To the tune of "Christmastime Is Killing Us," from the Family Guy episode "Road to the North Pole". NSFW due to some language and references to the two (arguably) most infamous Legendary Badfics.

[Random Agent]
Each clicking key used to fill us with glee
And the words that they made were all thrilling us;
Now all we feel is a loss of our zeal
Because bad fanfics are killing us!

Each new badfic makes us ever more sick --
All these Suethors and fanbrats are drilling us!
Celebrian's name may never sound the same
Because bad fanfics are killing us!

[Spirit of Optimism]
But don't lose hope! There's still goodfic in the thick of it!
True fans still exist who write better than all right!

[Random Agent]
I can't tell - there's too much swill, and it makes me ill!
How can I stay upbeat with shaved Hobbit feet?!

Each new update used to make us feel great,
'Til we'd glow with the happiness filling us;
Now ev'ry ping is a reason to scream
Because bad fanfics are killing us!

Each misspelled word just makes things more absurd,
'Til our Bleeprin is all that is filling us.
Eyes start to bleed with each line that we read
Because bad fanfics are killing us!

[Spirit of Optimism]
But not ev'ry fan's a cuckoo who gives Kael'thas boobs!
Some write very well - trust me! I know what I've seen!

[Random Agent]
My soul dies with each new Sue, ev'ry canon-screw;
My sanity breaks more with each vampire whore!

Each laugh like bells makes us all feel unwell,
And though they think they're swell, they put canons through hell!
Take a look; you can tell all our IQs just fell!

Because bad fanfics are killing us!
Killing us!
These badfics are killing us!

...I am a terrible, terrible person...

To the tune of "Happy XMas (War is Over) by . . . John Lennon? I never knew that . . .

"So this is Gotham
and what have you done?
The Batman I once knew
never used a gun.
And so this is Gotham.
Joker's kissing Robin
instead of his usual
evil spree of robbin'.

(chorus)
A very sad canon
unfamiliar to us.
Perhaps it was unwise
to leave it in your trust.

So this is Hogwarts
and what have you done?
Like Aragog's webbing,
a change you have spun
And so this is Hogwarts.
Ron has gone to the dark
the others now struggle
without friendship's spark.

chorus

So this is Kanto
and what have you done?
If you really need Legends,
limit it to one.
And so this is Kanto
and my eyes just bled.
Your Pokémon and you
should not be in bed.

chorus

Story's over;
I don't want it.
Story's over now."

And also, a bonus stanza, because I couldn't resist:

"So this is Sparta
and what have you done?
With all of the slash here,
the fight never begun.
And so this is Sparta.
Just see the effects
of history altered,
and all thanks to sex."

These are quite fun to write! Anyone have any stanzas of their own? We can make a mix-and-match song!

To the tune of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus":

I Saw Sherlock Kissing Mary Sue

I saw Sherlock kissing Mary Sue
Underneath Aura of Smooth last night
She didn’t see me weep
Or rage and gnash my teeth
She thought that she was living out a dirty fantasy

Then I stepped forth and charged the Mary Sue
Pushing her off rooftops to the ground!
The canon snapped back into shape
And my partner and I escaped
With our splatted Mary Sue pancake!

I had to. It wouldn't leave me alone.

To the tune of "The Atheist Christmas Carol" by Vienna Teng

The DOI Remembrance Song

This department we step boldly into fanfics
We’re scouting out for the plotholes and pitfalls
This department is thankless and largely ignored
But without them the Action Agents would stumble
Into unknowns
We write up all reports
And pray for more Bleeprin

This department we sort out the goodfics from bad
With no respites from the brain-breaking workload
This department we travel at length through the world incognito
With only Bleeprin in tow

Don’t forget
Don’t forget us Spies
Who sort
Your missions

This department is scarred, bearing wounds in our hearts
And feeling the full weight of our burdens
This department goes on in the wings of a stage
Underneath Rosa, we will carry on
Through Pit and Circle

Don’t forget
Don’t forget us Spies
Who sort
Your missions

I spent a lot of time working on these. Hope it shows.

Hark! The blasted console's BEEPING!

Hark! The blasted console's BEEPing

Our next mission's calling!

We just got back from our last

Wake up now, move fast fast fast!

Grab your CAD and portal in

Witness the Sue's deadly sin

Kill her with a vengeance deep

Then go back to get some sleep

But Hark! The blasted console BEEP!

And into the fic the agents leap.

One Small Agent (based off of "One Toy Soldier" by Enya)

One small agent stands alone

With his CAD down by his side

One small agent on his own

With his CAD to check canon


He protects the canon, killing Sues

He keeps the canon true

He's one agent against badfic

Which makes his heart so blue


"Who can mend my broken CAD?

Will it be as good as new?

I must go on a mission

If I can't what shall I do?"


He protects the canon, killing Sues

He takes the canon's side

When the console BEEPs, inside he creeps

From the canons he must hide


For he protects the canon, killing Sues

He keeps the canon true

It might not pay, but still he'll say

Happy Sporking Times to you!


He protects the canon, killing Sues

He keeps the canon true

Makes-Things had repaired his CAD

And he goes on his mission


So he protects the canon, killing Sues

He keeps the canon true

When a mission's bad, he uses his CAD

Happy Sporking Times to you!

Happy Sporking Times to you!

Happy Sporking Times to you!

Happy Sporking Times to you!

To the tune of What's This? from "The Nightmare Before Christmas".


What's this? What's this?
Odd colors everywhere
What's this?
There's glitter in the air
What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I hope I'm dreaming
Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair
What's this?

What's this? What's this?
There's something very wrong
What's this?
The Elves are wearing thongs
What's this?
The streets are lined with
Little creatures laughing
Everybody seems so sappy
I have probably gone daffy
What is this?
What's this?

The dwarves are drinking redbull here
instead of drinking ale
They're busy writing pop songs
Completely filled with fail
Blank stares on every face here
Oh, I can't believe my eyes
And in my throat I feel my lunch
This crap has forced to rise

Oh, look
What's this?
They're dancing a tango
They kiss?
This all looks so cliched
A pyre!
While they're gathered around to hear a story
I should set it all on fire
What's this?
What's this?

In here they've got a little stage,
How queer
And who would ever think
And why?

They're filling it with tiny puppets
They all look like drunken muppets
And they are giving a recap
So, now, can't I just portal back?
This looks like crap
This looks like crap
Oh, could it be that I'm in hell?
What's this?

Oh my, what now?
The Fellowship's asleep
But look, somebody's trying to creep
Oh Glod
To sneak into the bed of Strider
To confide her
Everlasting love and
Hear him say it in return
What's this?

The Hobbits are all missing
And the Wizard can't be found
And in their place there seems to be
Bad copies all around
Above my screams, I swear
I can hear music in the air
The smell of saccharine plots
Is absolutely everywhere

The sights, the sounds
They're everywhere and all around
I've never felt so bad before
This angry place inside of me is swelling up
I have just simply had enough

I want out, oh, I want out
Oh, I want out as I moan
Don't wanna to know
Don't wanna to know
What is this place that I have found?
What is this?
AU Town, hmm...

[[That is one hell of a tricky song to work with. Much respect to Danny Elfman for that one.]]

Based on "Carol Of The Bells", and featuring the voice talents - and lack thereof - of Agent!Caroline and Fiona!

[Caroline]
Hark! Hear the shrieks -
Indignant squeaks -
Filling the halls,
Deaf'ning us all!

[Fiona]
Gilbert's a mouse!
Who is the louse
Who turned him cute,
But didn't mute--

[Caroline]
His grating whine?
O! mini mine!
Flutteryshy
Flies gaily by,
Cackling with glee,
Then - mercy me! -
Spots Veralyn
And makes her spin!

[Fiona]
'Round, 'round she goes
On tippy-toes!
On down the hall -
Into a wall!

O! how they fume!
Pacing the room,
They plan a stew - or
Mini fondue!

Gilly, Gilly, Gilly's blown a gasket!

[Caroline]
Veralyn just grabbed a basket!

[Fiona]
Now they give chase,
Red in the face!

[Caroline]
Don't intervene -
They'll eat your spleen!

[Both]
Oi...

And I'll post an audio version as soon as I can stop stumbling over my own lyrics!

I've been really looking forward to this!

My song is based on John Rutters Candlelight Carol, a very beautiful song, which have done nothing to deserve to be mangled by me. None the less, I thought it would make a nice song about loving the canon and wanting to protect it from badfics. And since The Hobbit has just come out, I used that to put a spin on. But less babbling, more singing:


How do you capture the vision of Tolkien?

How do you count all the treasures of Smaug?

How can you measure our love of the canon?

And how do you write all the Dwarrows so proud?



Candlelight, Elven-light

Dragonfire and star glow

Shining on Arda till breaking of dawn

Badfic, oh! Badfic, woe! In excess is coming!

Agents are singing

The movies are here.



Fangirls and fanbrats will watch and adore them

Agents around them their vigil will keep

Hunting down bad slash, bad grammar and plotholes

Then read the goodfics, till they fall asleep.



Find them at Rivendell, taking their photos

Keeping the onslaught of songfics at bay

Petting the gaint-a** spiders of Mirkwood

Childish and deadly on this winter’s day

With (what will be) different voices!

[The Marquis de Sod]:
Joy to the world!
The week's rolled round
And payday's here again
Let's give the Agents
A little money
Then maybe they won't quit
Oh, please don't let them quit
I don't want to go into the Worlds again.

[Sambar, Dept. of Finance]:
Joy to the world.
The week's rolled round.
And payday's here again.
Now all my books
Need going over
And where is my red pen?
Oh, who took my red pen?
I've lost my pen, my one red pen!

[Tango, Department of Mary-Sues]:
Joy to the world!
The week's rolled round
And payday's here again!
It may be peanuts but
It's all I've got
So let's go down the pub
Please, let's go down the pub
I need a drink, let's go down the pub

[Mortic, Department of WhatThe]:
Joy to the [BEEEEP]
Oh, shut up, you
I just wanted a rest!
I don't care what you-
Wait, is that Legolas?
And Sherlock and the Borg?
Oh, come on then, let's go
Just one more mission and THEN a break.

[CAL-9000, Department of Dead Author Electricity Generation]:
Joy to the world
The week's rolled round
And payday's here again.
Now what am I
Supposed to do
With money, I ask you
I mean, I am a robot
In fact, why am I even bothering to sing this song and make it scan?

[The Agents]:
Joy to the world!
The week's rolled round
And payday's here again!
It isn't much but
Hey, it's a job
[Tango]: So let's go down the pub
[Mortic]: I'm a bit busy right now
[Agents]: Oh, life goes on in the PPC!

(Finance, WhatThe and DoDAEG for you)

hS

Because my favorite Christmas music (Trans-Siberian Orchestra) doesn't have lyrics, persay.

Dashing through the flow,
of fiction so sublime,
through the wires we go,
for 'tis good fanfic time!
Swift we follow links,
laughter ringing clear,
From our separate voices we
Thank words that we hold dear.

No badfics here! Badfics There!
Give agents a break.
Revel in your fandoms now
don't chuck them in the lake!
If you read you'll see
the word worlds triumph somehow!

And that was both excessively silly and all I wrote for tonight. Also, knowing my singing, very high-pitched and out of tune.

Aaaaaand here's the audio version:

KittyNoodles sings "O Three Cheers for the DoI!"

A quick note: this was written before I realized there was another filk of the same name and before Nesh requested not to write about Sues. Sorry for not being as original as I though I was.

Sung to the tune of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town".

You better watch out
You Sues and you Stus
If you know who is coming for you.
The PPC is coming to town.

They're making a list
Of charges for you.
And if it's too big then you'll be shot through.
The PPC is coming to town.

They know if you've been bending
The canon 'till it breaks.
For messing with the characters,
They'll turn you into steaks.

O... With swords and arrows
With poison and guns,
They'll right what was wrong and clean up your fun.
The PPC is coming to town.

Stay tuned, because that probably wasn't the last of me. I have to find something more original to sing about.

(To the English tune of 'O Little Town of Bethlehem', by way of 'I Saw A Mighty Angel Fly' - but it should work to the American tune, too)

I saw a pair of agents fly
Through HQ's dreary halls
"What cause have you, so loud," asked I
"To stir these battered walls?"

"A race!" they called, and off they flew
I saw them never more
But heard their tale around HQ
From those who watched them soar.

~

Two dragons raced, with wings unveiled
To test their speed and skill
One from Improbabilities hailed
But lost - said she was ill

The other served Intelligence's Rose
And claimed the victory crown
She wears it now where'er she goes
And never puts it down!

(With reference and apologies to Agents Verra Rose and Voltarmi. It seemed like they had to do something together...)

(Vocal version may come later, if I can find a suitable instrumental to go with it)

hS