Subject: It's not that I dislike the tuneÂ…
Author:
Posted on: 2012-12-16 22:55:00 UTC
It's that around the holidays I start to get all anti-commercialism, and "Carol of the Bells" is used so often in Christmas commercials.
Joy to the Board, it's filking time!
Now each their skills employ:
Let ev'ryone refit old tunes
With words of sporking joy,
With words of sporking joy,
With words, with words of sporking joy!
That, my friends and acquaintances, was a filk. A very meager, slapped-together-in-ten-minutes sort of filk, but a filk nonetheless. Your task now is to make better ones by selecting your favorite holiday song and giving it some new, PPC-themed words. Then I'll collect your work and archive it in the PPC Holiday Songbook, unless you'd rather I didn't for some reason.
As always, I encourage you to come up with something that doesn't involve Mary Sues if you can, 'cause there are lots of those and not so many about, say, the Department of Dead Author Electricity Generation. (There is one, though, 'cause that was my entry last year.) Also, if you like singing, I'd love it if you recorded yourself performing anything in the Songbook. Keily's done a few, but the more, the merrier!
Do keep things in good taste, but beyond that, there are no rules. Have fun!
~Neshomeh
To the tune of "Christmastime Is Killing Us," from the Family Guy episode "Road to the North Pole". NSFW due to some language and references to the two (arguably) most infamous Legendary Badfics.
[Random Agent]
Each clicking key used to fill us with glee
And the words that they made were all thrilling us;
Now all we feel is a loss of our zeal
Because bad fanfics are killing us!
Each new badfic makes us ever more sick --
All these Suethors and fanbrats are drilling us!
Celebrian's name may never sound the same
Because bad fanfics are killing us!
[Spirit of Optimism]
But don't lose hope! There's still goodfic in the thick of it!
True fans still exist who write better than all right!
[Random Agent]
I can't tell - there's too much swill, and it makes me ill!
How can I stay upbeat with shaved Hobbit feet?!
Each new update used to make us feel great,
'Til we'd glow with the happiness filling us;
Now ev'ry ping is a reason to scream
Because bad fanfics are killing us!
Each misspelled word just makes things more absurd,
'Til our Bleeprin is all that is filling us.
Eyes start to bleed with each line that we read
Because bad fanfics are killing us!
[Spirit of Optimism]
But not ev'ry fan's a cuckoo who gives Kael'thas boobs!
Some write very well - trust me! I know what I've seen!
[Random Agent]
My soul dies with each new Sue, ev'ry canon-screw;
My sanity breaks more with each vampire whore!
Each laugh like bells makes us all feel unwell,
And though they think they're swell, they put canons through hell!
Take a look; you can tell all our IQs just fell!
Because bad fanfics are killing us!
Killing us!
These badfics are killing us!
...I am a terrible, terrible person...
To the tune of "Happy XMas (War is Over) by . . . John Lennon? I never knew that . . .
"So this is Gotham
and what have you done?
The Batman I once knew
never used a gun.
And so this is Gotham.
Joker's kissing Robin
instead of his usual
evil spree of robbin'.
(chorus)
A very sad canon
unfamiliar to us.
Perhaps it was unwise
to leave it in your trust.
So this is Hogwarts
and what have you done?
Like Aragog's webbing,
a change you have spun
And so this is Hogwarts.
Ron has gone to the dark
the others now struggle
without friendship's spark.
chorus
So this is Kanto
and what have you done?
If you really need Legends,
limit it to one.
And so this is Kanto
and my eyes just bled.
Your Pokémon and you
should not be in bed.
chorus
Story's over;
I don't want it.
Story's over now."
And also, a bonus stanza, because I couldn't resist:
"So this is Sparta
and what have you done?
With all of the slash here,
the fight never begun.
And so this is Sparta.
Just see the effects
of history altered,
and all thanks to sex."
These are quite fun to write! Anyone have any stanzas of their own? We can make a mix-and-match song!
So this is Outland
And what have you done?
The whole Burning Legion
Is insanely dumb.
And is this Azeroth?!
The Lich King is high!
What's with the new island?
You've made Varian cry!
and
So this is Arda
And what have you done?
With so much canoodling
The Quest has not begun.
And so this is Arda -
But the Elves are in thongs.
There's shapechanging wenches
Wailing bad nineties songs.
(Apologies and curses to Phobos; I borrowed Elves in thongs because THE IMAGE IS STILL THERE.
And Ellipsis, don't say anything.)
To the tune of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus":
I Saw Sherlock Kissing Mary Sue
I saw Sherlock kissing Mary Sue
Underneath Aura of Smooth last night
She didn’t see me weep
Or rage and gnash my teeth
She thought that she was living out a dirty fantasy
Then I stepped forth and charged the Mary Sue
Pushing her off rooftops to the ground!
The canon snapped back into shape
And my partner and I escaped
With our splatted Mary Sue pancake!
I had to. It wouldn't leave me alone.
To the tune of "The Atheist Christmas Carol" by Vienna Teng
The DOI Remembrance Song
This department we step boldly into fanfics
We’re scouting out for the plotholes and pitfalls
This department is thankless and largely ignored
But without them the Action Agents would stumble
Into unknowns
We write up all reports
And pray for more Bleeprin
This department we sort out the goodfics from bad
With no respites from the brain-breaking workload
This department we travel at length through the world incognito
With only Bleeprin in tow
Don’t forget
Don’t forget us Spies
Who sort
Your missions
This department is scarred, bearing wounds in our hearts
And feeling the full weight of our burdens
This department goes on in the wings of a stage
Underneath Rosa, we will carry on
Through Pit and Circle
Don’t forget
Don’t forget us Spies
Who sort
Your missions
And another DoI song! Huzzah!
I liked them both very much - my only comment is maybe instead of 'underneath Aura of Smooth last night' (In 'I Saw Sherlock Kissing Mary Sue'), 'under an Aura of Smooth last night' might have flowed a little better?
Or I might be acting a little nit-picky. Either way, both of the songs made me feel warm and fluffy inside. Yee~
I spent a lot of time working on these. Hope it shows.
Hark! The blasted console's BEEPING!
Hark! The blasted console's BEEPing
Our next mission's calling!
We just got back from our last
Wake up now, move fast fast fast!
Grab your CAD and portal in
Witness the Sue's deadly sin
Kill her with a vengeance deep
Then go back to get some sleep
But Hark! The blasted console BEEP!
And into the fic the agents leap.
One Small Agent (based off of "One Toy Soldier" by Enya)
One small agent stands alone
With his CAD down by his side
One small agent on his own
With his CAD to check canon
He protects the canon, killing Sues
He keeps the canon true
He's one agent against badfic
Which makes his heart so blue
"Who can mend my broken CAD?
Will it be as good as new?
I must go on a mission
If I can't what shall I do?"
He protects the canon, killing Sues
He takes the canon's side
When the console BEEPs, inside he creeps
From the canons he must hide
For he protects the canon, killing Sues
He keeps the canon true
It might not pay, but still he'll say
Happy Sporking Times to you!
He protects the canon, killing Sues
He keeps the canon true
Makes-Things had repaired his CAD
And he goes on his mission
So he protects the canon, killing Sues
He keeps the canon true
When a mission's bad, he uses his CAD
Happy Sporking Times to you!
Happy Sporking Times to you!
Happy Sporking Times to you!
Happy Sporking Times to you!
The first one is to the tune of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing", right? It looks like it should fit the tune pretty well.
Anyway, these are both really well done - I especially like "One Small Agent" - and not just because I'm an Enya nut. Good job!
Yes, I realized nobody had done one for "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing", so I did one. And while I haven't actually listened to anything else by Enya yet, And Winter Came... is my favorite Christmas CD.
Oh, by the way, I just listened to your "O Three Cheers for the DoI!" You have a really pretty voice.
I highly recommend her album Paint the Sky with Stars. I grew up on that CD, and it's wonderful.
Aw, thankies! ^///^
To the tune of What's This? from "The Nightmare Before Christmas".
What's this? What's this?
Odd colors everywhere
What's this?
There's glitter in the air
What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I hope I'm dreaming
Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair
What's this?
What's this? What's this?
There's something very wrong
What's this?
The Elves are wearing thongs
What's this?
The streets are lined with
Little creatures laughing
Everybody seems so sappy
I have probably gone daffy
What is this?
What's this?
The dwarves are drinking redbull here
instead of drinking ale
They're busy writing pop songs
Completely filled with fail
Blank stares on every face here
Oh, I can't believe my eyes
And in my throat I feel my lunch
This crap has forced to rise
Oh, look
What's this?
They're dancing a tango
They kiss?
This all looks so cliched
A pyre!
While they're gathered around to hear a story
I should set it all on fire
What's this?
What's this?
In here they've got a little stage,
How queer
And who would ever think
And why?
They're filling it with tiny puppets
They all look like drunken muppets
And they are giving a recap
So, now, can't I just portal back?
This looks like crap
This looks like crap
Oh, could it be that I'm in hell?
What's this?
Oh my, what now?
The Fellowship's asleep
But look, somebody's trying to creep
Oh Glod
To sneak into the bed of Strider
To confide her
Everlasting love and
Hear him say it in return
What's this?
The Hobbits are all missing
And the Wizard can't be found
And in their place there seems to be
Bad copies all around
Above my screams, I swear
I can hear music in the air
The smell of saccharine plots
Is absolutely everywhere
The sights, the sounds
They're everywhere and all around
I've never felt so bad before
This angry place inside of me is swelling up
I have just simply had enough
I want out, oh, I want out
Oh, I want out as I moan
Don't wanna to know
Don't wanna to know
What is this place that I have found?
What is this?
AU Town, hmm...
[[That is one hell of a tricky song to work with. Much respect to Danny Elfman for that one.]]
Yay, somebody swiped a song from Nightmare Before Christmas!
This filk makes me feel so nostalgic - Im'ma have to go read TOS again.
The line about Elves wearing thongs... The first thing in my head was Glorfindel in nothing but a thong. And he was sort of limping around and trying to swish his hips at the same time.
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID. YOU HAVE SPARKED MY OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION AND NOW THE IMAGE IS STUCK IN MY HEAD.
The only thing that struck me as off about this one was the last grouping of lyrics - it felt a teensy bit tossed together with the AU Town part. That said, you're right: This looks and sounds like an impossible song to work with! Good job!
You do have a knack for imagining characters in really small underwear, though.
I wasn't the one who came up with Kel'Thuzad in a speedo! I was an innocent victim that time!
I fully admit that I tossed the last bit together. That section, in particular, was a major pain. Reading it now, perhaps "Badfic Town" would work better. That won't fix some of the other problems with that part, but it makes it a little better.
Anyway, glad you liked it.
-Phobos
Based on "Carol Of The Bells", and featuring the voice talents - and lack thereof - of Agent!Caroline and Fiona!
[Caroline]
Hark! Hear the shrieks -
Indignant squeaks -
Filling the halls,
Deaf'ning us all!
[Fiona]
Gilbert's a mouse!
Who is the louse
Who turned him cute,
But didn't mute--
[Caroline]
His grating whine?
O! mini mine!
Flutteryshy
Flies gaily by,
Cackling with glee,
Then - mercy me! -
Spots Veralyn
And makes her spin!
[Fiona]
'Round, 'round she goes
On tippy-toes!
On down the hall -
Into a wall!
O! how they fume!
Pacing the room,
They plan a stew - or
Mini fondue!
Gilly, Gilly, Gilly's blown a gasket!
[Caroline]
Veralyn just grabbed a basket!
[Fiona]
Now they give chase,
Red in the face!
[Caroline]
Don't intervene -
They'll eat your spleen!
[Both]
Oi...
And I'll post an audio version as soon as I can stop stumbling over my own lyrics!
Got it in one take - though it might be a bit harder to hear than the last one.
KittyNoodles sings "Chaos Carol"
But PPC-style, with your voice? Yes!
Yay, someone noticed! :D
I kid, I kid. But you don't like Carol of the Bells? I love it - generally it's the first song to pop into my head when Christmas comes around. I do wish there were a few more notes to it, though...
It's that around the holidays I start to get all anti-commercialism, and "Carol of the Bells" is used so often in Christmas commercials.
That's why I don't much care for Joy to the World anymore. It's sad that good songs get turned into sales pitches so readily...
I've been really looking forward to this!
My song is based on John Rutters Candlelight Carol, a very beautiful song, which have done nothing to deserve to be mangled by me. None the less, I thought it would make a nice song about loving the canon and wanting to protect it from badfics. And since The Hobbit has just come out, I used that to put a spin on. But less babbling, more singing:
How do you capture the vision of Tolkien?
How do you count all the treasures of Smaug?
How can you measure our love of the canon?
And how do you write all the Dwarrows so proud?
Candlelight, Elven-light
Dragonfire and star glow
Shining on Arda till breaking of dawn
Badfic, oh! Badfic, woe! In excess is coming!
Agents are singing
The movies are here.
Fangirls and fanbrats will watch and adore them
Agents around them their vigil will keep
Hunting down bad slash, bad grammar and plotholes
Then read the goodfics, till they fall asleep.
Find them at Rivendell, taking their photos
Keeping the onslaught of songfics at bay
Petting the gaint-a** spiders of Mirkwood
Childish and deadly on this winter’s day
I like this one so much! I've never heard the Candlelight Carol before, but it's my new favorite Christmas song - and these new lyrics made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside about the PPC! ^.^
I had so much fun with it last year, that I thought I'd do it again; make my agents perform their version a song. This year it's from the Muppets Christmas Carol. Saxo is about 99,97% OOC when he sings his line, but I think the voice fits him perfectly in an odd way. ^^
The RMC:
Hohohoho!
It's in the HQ getting cold as the North Pole
It's huddling up and getting warm by the console
It's true, wherever you feel home it feels like Christmas
James:
A cup of Bleepka that we share with another
A game of Scrabble with a friend or a brother
All:
In all the places you feel home it feels like Christmas
The RMC:
It is the season of rejoicing
A special time of cheering
Vacation time is near
All:
And it is the season of the sprit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year
Mittens:
It's in the giving out of gifts to your best friends
A pair of mittens that were made with your own hands
All:
It's all the ways that we show love that feel like Christmas
Saxo and James:
A part of childhood that we’ll always remember
Although we’ve only been here since last November
Saxo:
Yes, when you do your best for love it feels like Christmas
The RMC:
It is the season of rejoicing
A special time of cheering
Vacation time is near
Saxo, James and Mittens:
It is the season of the sprit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year
The RMC:
It's in the HQ getting cold as the North Pole
It's huddling up and getting warm by the console
It's true, wherever you feel home it feels like Christmas
It's true, wherever you feel home it feels like
All:
Christmas
The RMC:
It feels like
All:
Christmas
The RMC:
It feels like
All:
Christmas
The RMC:
It feels like
All:
Christmas
I haven't tormented Gilbert in ever so long...
Really though, I've often wondered if one could be reasoned with in a controlled setting. (Obviously not when it wanted to drink me like a smoothie...)
I'd never heard the Candlelight Carol before. Very pretty! And the new words fit perfectly, too—except maybe for "giant-a** spiders," just because it's a bit of a departure from the otherwise meditative and serious tone, but a laugh at the end is good. Can't really expect agents to be serious for too long, can we? ^_^
~Neshomeh
I love John Rutter's Christmas music. You should check out Angel's Carol as well, if you don't know it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOIhzqutZuQ
I actually think 'giant-a**' was the only word I could come up with, I could make fit with the rhythm and intonation. This is the second year I've been surprised by how this game is much harder than it looks. :)
With (what will be) different voices!
[The Marquis de Sod]:
Joy to the world!
The week's rolled round
And payday's here again
Let's give the Agents
A little money
Then maybe they won't quit
Oh, please don't let them quit
I don't want to go into the Worlds again.
[Sambar, Dept. of Finance]:
Joy to the world.
The week's rolled round.
And payday's here again.
Now all my books
Need going over
And where is my red pen?
Oh, who took my red pen?
I've lost my pen, my one red pen!
[Tango, Department of Mary-Sues]:
Joy to the world!
The week's rolled round
And payday's here again!
It may be peanuts but
It's all I've got
So let's go down the pub
Please, let's go down the pub
I need a drink, let's go down the pub
[Mortic, Department of WhatThe]:
Joy to the [BEEEEP]
Oh, shut up, you
I just wanted a rest!
I don't care what you-
Wait, is that Legolas?
And Sherlock and the Borg?
Oh, come on then, let's go
Just one more mission and THEN a break.
[CAL-9000, Department of Dead Author Electricity Generation]:
Joy to the world
The week's rolled round
And payday's here again.
Now what am I
Supposed to do
With money, I ask you
I mean, I am a robot
In fact, why am I even bothering to sing this song and make it scan?
[The Agents]:
Joy to the world!
The week's rolled round
And payday's here again!
It isn't much but
Hey, it's a job
[Tango]: So let's go down the pub
[Mortic]: I'm a bit busy right now
[Agents]: Oh, life goes on in the PPC!
(Finance, WhatThe and DoDAEG for you)
hS
What is this 'money' you speak of? Are we our agents getting paid again? Why was I not informed?
Jokes aside, nicely done! I like that you split the song up between several different people/flowers/robots/possibly other species - it made for a quirky group sing-a-long! :D
I'd forgotten about it. Maybe I'll send my agents there if I get mad at them. :)
I might send Veralyn there if she doesn't stop acting like a crazy tsundere stalker around Lor'themar.
With Agent!Caroline to supervise.
I'm beginning to think I'm far more sadistic than I realize...
... He might be more or less permanently on the Flowers' bad list. Also, I have a sudden urge to see how much more crazy things get in WhatThe with a Velociraptor on the loose. (Poor Trask. I use his existence so much to just wave around the board and yell "Well, I've got a Velociraptor! Hah!")
Agent Barid owns a purple raptor that he uses as a mount. It is a traditional form of transportation for a Troll. Just thought you should know.
-Phobos, who is not trying to sow bad ideas in an attempt to reap hilarity. He would never do that. Honest.
I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
-Phobos, totally innocent in all matters pertaining to cultivation of bad ideas for fun and profit.
I'm watching you...
Well...you should. I am very entertaining.
-Phobos
Oh dear, THAT can't be good! (Although Veralyn might get there pretty quick if she breaks many more rules.)
Hey, I totally understand. I would do the exact same thing! :D
Because my favorite Christmas music (Trans-Siberian Orchestra) doesn't have lyrics, persay.
Dashing through the flow,
of fiction so sublime,
through the wires we go,
for 'tis good fanfic time!
Swift we follow links,
laughter ringing clear,
From our separate voices we
Thank words that we hold dear.
No badfics here! Badfics There!
Give agents a break.
Revel in your fandoms now
don't chuck them in the lake!
If you read you'll see
the word worlds triumph somehow!
And that was both excessively silly and all I wrote for tonight. Also, knowing my singing, very high-pitched and out of tune.
I'm trying to filk "What Is Christmas?" from their album The Lost Christmas Eve. It's such a cool, almost villain song, especially with that guy's voice and the evil laugh he does at one point. I'm thinking "What Is Concrit?" from the point of view of an obstinate fanbrat. *g*
~Neshomeh
*Struggles desperatley to force the Squee! back into it's box.*
A filk about goodfic, unique! Also, Trans-Siberian Orchestra--I have a friend who likes it and she played some of the music for me on her iPod. I think it's good. Also, this is the same friend who got me into fanfiction and recommended Sherlock and Good Omens. So I'm inclined to trust her judgement.
It is very good. Nearly a full orchestra on there. ;)
Yay for goodfics! Yay for Trans-Siberian Orchestra! Yay for you writing this! :D
Aaaaaand here's the audio version:
KittyNoodles sings "O Three Cheers for the DoI!"
I'm going to hand you this Internet and then flee, because I suspect you will become somewhat less of an excellent singer if I squee deafeningly in your presence. YOU ARE SO AWESOME, KITTEH
I need those!
Please, I'm not that good - I'd be more impressed with myself if I hadn't botched the last few notes in the first verse! XP
But thankies for the compliment all the same. :D
Hehehehehe
Bah. You notice what you got wrong. I only notice aaaaaall the things you got right. Like the tune. And the funny lyrics. And being generally very pleasant to the ear.
Yer welcome!
It's very painful...
'S true - I think sometimes I forget some things only get noticed once I point them out...
-huggles-
Yes, I know. I am the queen of inappropriate giggling.
Don't we all?
-spins about- I shall be seventeen in less than a week, Kitteh! Next Wednesday!
You big meanie-poophead. -pouts-
Some (me) more than others. ^////^
Yay! Happy birfday early, Li! -bone-crushing huggle-
:D
Pfff, no stealing my lines!
:D I shall make a post about it on the Board on the day of.
Whatevah! Whatevah! I do what I want!
Yee~!
E-yup! :D
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
What do you think you're doing, tossing around an eeyup like that? You think anyone can eeyup? You're making a mockery of eeyup...-ing!
(This is the part of the show where KittyNoodles blatantly tips off lines from fanfictions and YouTube videos, folks.)
I'll be sure to link it up when I add the page. ^_^
~Neshomeh
Wonderful job. Always nice to hear something from an Alto.
-Phobos, who advocates for the lower voice parts.
A quick note: this was written before I realized there was another filk of the same name and before Nesh requested not to write about Sues. Sorry for not being as original as I though I was.
Sung to the tune of "Santa Clause is Coming to Town".
You better watch out
You Sues and you Stus
If you know who is coming for you.
The PPC is coming to town.
They're making a list
Of charges for you.
And if it's too big then you'll be shot through.
The PPC is coming to town.
They know if you've been bending
The canon 'till it breaks.
For messing with the characters,
They'll turn you into steaks.
O... With swords and arrows
With poison and guns,
They'll right what was wrong and clean up your fun.
The PPC is coming to town.
Stay tuned, because that probably wasn't the last of me. I have to find something more original to sing about.
Nothing wrong with writing about Sues if that's where the filk bug bites you. I just want to see other aspects of the PPC get some representation, too. Anyway, this is different from Araeph's version by virtue of being more general, less PotC-centric. {= )
~Neshomeh
I like the bit about turning Sues into steaks. It made me giggle.
(To the English tune of 'O Little Town of Bethlehem', by way of 'I Saw A Mighty Angel Fly' - but it should work to the American tune, too)
I saw a pair of agents fly
Through HQ's dreary halls
"What cause have you, so loud," asked I
"To stir these battered walls?"
"A race!" they called, and off they flew
I saw them never more
But heard their tale around HQ
From those who watched them soar.
~
Two dragons raced, with wings unveiled
To test their speed and skill
One from Improbabilities hailed
But lost - said she was ill
The other served Intelligence's Rose
And claimed the victory crown
She wears it now where'er she goes
And never puts it down!
(With reference and apologies to Agents Verra Rose and Voltarmi. It seemed like they had to do something together...)
(Vocal version may come later, if I can find a suitable instrumental to go with it)
hS
I Saw A Pair Of Agents Fly
The main issue I have with this recording is that, while I hit the notes (mostly), I don't do it with any particular style. Owell!
hS
Wanted me to log in, then told me "The item you are trying to access has either been deleted or is unavailable to you." Did you set sharing on the file to Access: Open?
~Neshomeh
But then I gave you the wrong link.
Because I am a twit.
hS
It's not really a fair race when you're up against a Warcraft bronze dragon, though. They know the outcome ahead of time.
Is this the tune you're thinking of? I like that one. The words definitely work better with it, too, since there are more moving lines. It's tricky to fit the longer words in the other version.
~Neshomeh
I know of a department within the PPC
Whose agents delve into badfics to see what they can see
While trying not to fall victim to Sueish revelry:
O three cheers for the DoI!
DoI!
O three cheers for the DoI!
Department of Intelligence, without you we'd be lost!
We'd five blindly into badfics - I shiver at the cost:
So many more agents into the looney bin we'd toss!
O three cheers for the DoI!
DoI!
O three cheers for the DoI!
How would we know what to expect - what we might hear and see?
How could we hope to save so many innocent OCs?
Without the DoI, this job would really get to me!
O three cheers for the DoI!
DoI!
O three cheers for the DoI!
So off you go, you spies unsung, to sniff out fics gone wrong,
And come back - safe, we hope - to pinpoint what does not belong!
And with your help, we'll all keep ev'ry canon safe and strong!
O three cheers for the DoI!
DoI!
O three cheers for the DoI!
Sung to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen", because I heard someone play it by plucking guitar strings and it sounded like tiptoeing music.
And I shall post a singing version when and if I can. :D
...at the very least, don't take any bet that Voltarmi offers.
-Phobos