Subject: Aha! Canons I know!
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Posted on: 2012-12-08 10:26:00 UTC

That was fun. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the agents interact - and was convinced that they were who they were supposed to be. James' semi-quoting and generally Sir-Didymus-y character was particularly eye-catching.

There were also some lines that really amused me: "Trust Snape to have a well stocked laboratory wherever he goes. Trust him on nothing else, but trust him on this."

And the whole thing with Saxo and Lord Tomdemort near the end - that was a brilliant character moment. I applaud you.

On the flip side, there were some fairly clumsy paragraphs. The following caught my eye:

"James scooped up the mini-Aragog, slitherin, like he had seen Mittens do many times and tried to place it in the backpack. Apparently he lacked Mittens’ skills, for slitherin wiggled in his arms and when he tried to stuff it in the backpack, it bit him. In the end he had to be content with letting it ride on top of the backpack."

That's three instances of 'backpack' in as many sentences, and it did break the flow (to the point where I copied it to mention it). But it was the only one which hit me that hard. In general, this is a problem that can be solved by synonyms ("rucksack" or "bag") or just rewording ("letting it ride on top.")

As to the epilogue... that was pretty darn meta. Fun, though. And an interesting way of solving the problem. ;) I also liked the reappearance of James & Saxo at the end - a nice closure to (this piece of) their tale.

All in all, fun times! Thank you for writing that.

hS

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