Please have a black-hole chocolate cake with raspberry coulis.

If we both end up in the same voice channel at some point today, I'd be happy to sing you one of the Birthday Songs. (No guarantees about which one.) But in the meantime, have a cake! It's red velvet cake because of reasons, but you can swap it out for a cheesecake if you prefer.

Here's a cool video I only recently found out about that discusses Sues' history, classification, and why we always think of them as girls: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2-GIY9RTqU

Felicitations!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
MAY ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE
HOPE NOBODY MAKES YOU BLUE
AND YOUR CAKE DOESN'T EXPLODE IN GOO!

*blows noisemakers*

you are very old, Matt. You are ancient. Your knees are weak. The years have etched themselves in the wrinkles of your face. A greying-haired blind and deaf old bat of 17 years old.

Happy birthday!

My gift upon you is a really big scythe, to make the Grim Reaper jealous and give you a few extra years (at the dusty old age of 17, you don't have long, friend) to survive while he tries finding a newer, bigger one so he doesn't look silly and weak!