Subject: As you can see,
Author:
Posted on: 2017-06-14 22:35:00 UTC
it censors that even when there is a space. No error of mine!
—doctorlit on his phone during a late lunch
Subject: As you can see,
Author:
Posted on: 2017-06-14 22:35:00 UTC
it censors that even when there is a space. No error of mine!
—doctorlit on his phone during a late lunch
Gosh darnit, I haven't posted any work of mine to the Board in more than SIX MONTHS, so I'm happy to have that rectified! And there's a LOT of stuff I've been working on, so here we goooo!
First up, two new interludes:
- Agent Ripper tries to make sense of his troublesome backstory, along with the sympathies of a fellow agent, in "Illogic Bomb".
- Agent Falchion suffers a bout of "Anthophobia" after he gets an unpleasant surprise courtesy of his senior partner.
And after that, some additional miscellanies!
- A new MST courtesy of myself and Voyd, wherein three hapless bystanders and a voice on the phone bear witness to a crazy FNaF/Frozen crossover.
- A project I've been working on with Voyd for a while now... A pitch for an Monster Hunter fangame! Complete with potential added game mechanics, new habitats to explore, and a ton of new monster species!
- And finally, a project I've been working on with Voyd for a while now... Specter Town! A hack-and-slash adventure game inspired by and making homages to plenty of horror media, which I have been seeing a lot of recently. It's a WIP, but I just wanted to get the initial concept out in public for evaluation by the rest of you.
Enjoy, y'all! And meh, I'll update the Wiki tomorrow evening after work.
Heeeeey so. For a long while now, I was kind of obsessed with my archival project, and haven't been reading new missions. I'm trying to dial back the monomania, and get back to writing my own PPC work, and also start reviewing newly published stories again. This unfortunately means that for some Boarders, I'm jumping back into their spin-offs "mid-season" with no idea what's gone on since I went coo-coo for archive-puffs, including yours, Skarm. So the following reviews are from that point of view. Sorry for any complaint or confusion on my part that stems from that.
Additionally, due to time constraints of work shifts, I read both of these interludes at work and wrote out notes about stuff I wanted to mention, based on something I saw in the beta workshop. Sorry if this makes my reviews a bit patchy, but it was the only way I could get this done during the work week.
"Illogic Bomb"
My favorite part of this story was the framing flashbacks taking place during Velociripper's origin badfic. In addition to their base value of making a "share my backstory" story more interesting and unique, I really like the way you present them. I loved the opening scene with Doctor Wu, especially with him being as in character as you write him. Its quite fun for a canon character to "guest star" in an interlude! I appreciate the explanations for why the park's dinosaurs are anatomically incorrect, too. I also liked the juxtaposition of Wu's correct grammar with Tanya's spelling errors, hinting that there's a bit of canon blended into the fic here—and I also liked the little hint that Tanya's not entirely chained to her fic when she uses an apostrophe correctly to wave away Wu's reaction to her "wacky" laughing gas usage. (That confused me at first, but I figured out eventually that Tanya is an Incredibles-verse Super with some kind of elemental gas-related power, yes?) Although you kind of departed from that later with the bidder from Aperture, who doesn't talk with typos despite the fact that he must be an OC, since Aperture has no living human employees. (Unless this takes place before GLaDOS took over?) Oh, also, I'm having trouble telling whether Ripper's fic was in the novel or movie version of Jurassic Park, since Hammond seems to sometimes have the movie version's personality (not wanting to sell the dinosaurs as weapons) and sometimes the novel version's (saying the public wants monsters rather than animals). Finally, I liked the transition back to the present after the second flashback, when Rayner acknowledges that Ripper was just staring off into space, and that the bartender filled Rayner in on the info contained in the flashback, so that he's still in the same level of understanding as the reader is.
Moving on to the bartender, I didn't totally understand why Velociripper was so adamant about preventing Rayner from getting the guy angry by throwing the drink out. Is this a character you've used before who reacts badly to insults? If not, it seems like an overly tense moment for the rest of the story's tone. There's a contradiction about Jurassic Pond Scum, as well. Early on, you imply it's alcoholic: "'I didn’t think you’d be the kind to drink anything alcoholi...il recently.'" At the end, though, it's apparently not alcoholic any more: "'In that case, we’ll see which species is better at holding their G-rated alcohol counterpart. Bartender? Another Pond Scum for the Deinonychus, please.'" You've also made me look up and read "A Sound of Thunder," which was fantastic, so thank you!
Your choice to present Ripper as transgender is an interesting one. I was a bit put off by it at first—dinosaurs certainly aren't representative of the actual population of transgender people—but on further reflection, I see that it does work okay, if not, excellently. We do know that some JP dinos changed sex due to population-based behavioral cues . . . I think to really sell this as a part of Ripper's life, though, I do think you should eventually write a story detailing what it was like for a sentient character to experience that change, as it would be completely unique (feeling the change happening on a biological level first, and changing the mindset later, as opposed to actual transgender people experiencing the dysphoria first and getting the sex change after). Otherwise, it just feels like a tacked-on adjective. (After all, Ripper didn't need to be one of the sex-changed dinosaurs; many remained female.)
Two more minor notes. First, I like that there's an explanation for Rayner's bloodthirstiness. It feels like it fits his character, and makes sense with the revelation (to me) that he's "Rainbow Factory" personified. Also, in the sentence: "His eyes met hers’, and he would swear his heart melted just a little," "hers" doesn't need the apostrophe, since it's already a possessive form.
"Anthophobia"
I have to admit, with all the time I spent "away" from your spin-off, I'm disappointed that Rashida's attitude and treatment towards Falchion doesn't seem to have improved much. I know partners aren't going to get along all the time, but I feel that in a healthy relationship, they ought to be arguing from equal footing. Here, it feels like Rashida puts herself in a position of authority over Falchion. Her anger also feels fairly mis-aimed and unnecessarily over-the-top. Part of this is the fact that she's worried about his impending performance review, and insists he be thinking about job opportunities. I know every spin-off has aspects that others lack, but the fact that most don't feature a business-formal review, or agents having noticeable jobs outside of being an agent, denies both topics some of the weight you're trying to give them in the text—I, as the reader, don't go in to the story subconsciously valuing those things, and that makes it feel like Rashida is overreacting over them. Kind of the same thing as her ire at Falchion browsing the internet; they're not on a mission, or filling out a mission report, so is he really goofing off if it's clearly down-time for them? I was amused by the not-porn fake out, though.
The idea that getting a bad review with the Flowers nets an agent more, harder work seems weird. With the "always understaffed" running joke present, it feels like the Flowers would want agents where they're most useful, not put under-performing agents in a situation where they perform even worse— even if it means transferring an action agent to infrastructure. (Yes, I know putting agents in positions they're ill-equipped for is a traditional source of humor, but this story has a more serious tone, so I'm examining the topic seriously.)
I like your characterization of the Hyacinth. You got the "respectful, but stern" trait down, and it's an excellent Flower to use for a performance review situation, as well. You used the Nature mechanic from Pokémon in an interesting way, bringing up the question of whether Falchion was always Careful, and his file contained an error; or, if the game data's label of him never really applied, and Falchion's personality simply can't be fully defined by one of a set of arbitrary adjectives. One noticeable lacking point was that the Hyacinth brings up working differences between Falchion and Ripper, but the conversation veers away, and the topic never gets addressed again during the review.
I think there's a contradiction concerning the relationship between Rashida and Falchion, specifically in the way Rashida views it. Before the reviews with the Hyacinth, Rahsida is arguing for Falchion to take more responsibility, and asks, "'So why have you lost that willpower? Is it because you’ve been thinking of me as a superior rather than as an equal?'" This seems to indicate that she sees a problem in Falchion feeling subordinate, and that that's part of the reason he isn't taking more responsibility. However, after their reviews, she says, "'On the one hand, I’m not confident in your ability to take up that much authority just yet. I understand that you have one year of experience, but that’s as a subordinate to me, which is a natural way of thinking considering that I’m older than you by quite a margin and have more experience dealing with critical matters.'" Now, she's saying that Falchion acting as her subordinate is appropriate, and that he isn't ready for more responsibility . . . Yeah, she's pretty much advocating for exact opposite agendas in the beginning and end, at least by my reading. Is this intentional, with her review making Rashida go back on her views? Or have I missed something huge?
Finally, some random little errors:
"'. . . and so little to keeping touch with others . . .'"
I usually hear this phrase as, "keeping in touch."
"Rashida had just shut off all of Falchion’s non-work-related browsing tabs."
This one may just be a question of local dialect and phrasing, but I've always heard "close" used as the verb for, uh, closing tabs.
"'I may or may not have been underperforming because . . .'"
Since this sentence is part of Falchion arguing in favor of him accepting more responsibility, I feel like the "may not" is unnecessary and contradictory. It also makes for a confusing double negative with the second part of the sentence, "'. . . not coming up with . . .'"
"'I guess have my question answered.'"
I think missed a word.
"'Gods, I’d better.'"
This might be really stupid nitpicking, but I wanted to bring it up just in case it wasn't intentional. I noticed that Falchion swears by Arceus at least sometimes, but here, he just uses a more generic "gods." Does he switch it up sometimes? Does it matter? Do you wish I would shut up already?
I feel like my reviews got a bit unfocused and jumpy, being the results of bullet points being mashed together into paragraph form. I hope they've still been useful to you. Please feel free to review the reviews! I may be a little rusty, after all.
—doctorlit, slowly falling asleep in his chair
First off, thank you for the kind words, and I completely understand your being busy. I am, too, at least most of the time, and I'm glad to see that you're taking the time to look through everyones' work while you have the chance, including my own! I hope I'll be more productive, writing-wise, when I start work next month. Hopefully. Anyway, onto the concrit responses:
Re: "Illogic Bomb":
The flashbacks being used as a framing device was something I've been meaning to try for quite a while, and I'm happy that they apparently succeeded. Up to the point when I wrote the interlude, I hadn't really thought about the in-universe circumstances of Ripper's creation - his very existence is owed to a punny name suggested for that terrible self-insert of mine by my co-author, which I felt could be better used for a different character. Dr. Wu being his (her?) adopted/imprinted father was something I'd been planning for a while and was intentionally chosen to both tie into the first Jurassic Park movie and conflict with his mindset in Jurassic World, to sow confusion in Ripper's mindset between his recalled origin story and the actual canon. The dinosaurs being inaccurate is something that's hinted at a few times throughout both the JP novel and the film franchise, though the Hammond referred to here is the movie version because it was the movie canon that got tangled up in the original badfic. Tanya's bad grammar was also intentional due to her mainly being written by my co-author, whose SPaG admittedly left much to be desired at the time; she is indeed from The Incredibles continuum and was the OC stand-in for Stormicide. I also didn't consider the fact that Aperture lacks human employees in canon, but now that you mention it, that's another great example of how little the universe of the badfic adhered to the Portal canon! (Seriously, it was just Chell, GLaDOS, and the Turrets, and everything else was just random cool futuristic tech. ^^;)
This is also the first time I've written the bartender and though it may not be the last, I'll have to check with the people responsible for the creation of Rudi's in the first place to know what the standards of affiliates of the place. Ripper's insistence on courtesy is just a part of his own nature, since despite starting out as a villainous character who operated solo, I wanted to indicate that he takes ettiquette very seriously, since as Raptor Red demonstrated it could literally be the difference between life and death in dinosaur society. He always was intended as the most polite and courteous of the current Pack of #227, since someone had to fill that role for my DF team and as Ripper is also a Light expy I figured he'd fill that role quite nicely. Also, another thing I hinted at was that Rayner's cider was also intended to be alcoholic, so I'll change the "alcohol counterpart" line accordingly. (also also oh gosh did your missing space lead to what I thought it did oh gods X'D)
Ripper being trans was a decision I've wanted to do for a while now because a) representation and b) it was my way of resolving the conflict with the first JP film canon that all the dinosaurs were (initially) female. I was worried that its reception would be a bit colder in general than what you've said here, but your suggestion about exploring how it felt for Ripper's biological gender to change before his mental one is pretty darn brilliant and definitely something I'll explore in a future interlude, or even a future mission. As a member of the LGTBQ+ community myself (I'm bi, though my parents still have a hard time accepting that), I've been meaning to explore mishandling of LGTBQ+ in badfic for a while, and it's very possible that a mission focused on that topic could open up a lot of discussion regarding Ripper's gender change as well as Falchion's bisexuality.
Re: "Anthophobia":
This is probably one of my weaker interludes, I have to admit, but if you'll excuse my being slightly argumentative I will argue that I wrote it with a lot of heart... possibly a little too much, actually. I based the interactions between Falc and Rosh pretty heavily on some of my own recent conversations with my parents, who I used as references for Rashida's behavior. One thing I've noticed a lot lately is that, as you've pointed out, Rashida is the one to take point when it comes to her relationship with her partner, and the above influence may in fact be why, since I've seen her as being like a surrogate parent to him. It should also be noted that this interlude takes place shortly after the stinger of "Sadly Mythtaken", which occurred in December of 2015. This means that Rashida has only recently come out of therapy and hasn't had much of a chance to practice what she's learnt with her partner. It's likely that she's still working out how to resolve matters with him and he hasn't been helpful in her eyes, though I agree that unlike with my own responsibilities (I'm expected to work constantly and consistently in a 9-5 job, rather than sporadic missions between off-periods like agents tend to get), she really would have no reason to be upset with Falchion browsing the Internet while not on Duty... though that could possibly just be Rosh being mad at Falchion for hogging the console when she needs it more than he does. Maybe. I still feel that a performance review would have at least some form of gravitas, though, since the Flowers are looking for quality agents and I figured that logically speaking, they'd have to look over how they performed on Duty.
The thing I was trying to convey with the review and what the Hyacinth imposed on Falchion wasn't that Falchion was getting more and harder work, but that she wanted him to take more responsibility due to not doing so in times when he should have. I figured that since agents are supposed to be in tip-top shape on the job, slacking off while on Duty wouldn't be appreciated. Admittedly I should also have elucidated a little more on Falchion's team skills throughout the rest of the session, since that is indeed just as important as being responsible for your own duties, but it's also possible, and quite likely, that Falchion taking up responsiblity would mean a better working relationship with the rest of the team, since that way he'd learn more about other people's importance as well as his own. The next mission I have planned is intended to explore his personality and characterization in even greater detail, and the feedback from this interlude may be helpful in planning how it goes down.
Rashida contradicting herself between the start and end of the interlude wasn't entirely intentional, but I was thinking along the lines of her wanting Falchion to be more responsible but at the same time, still being in charge of the Duty due to having more experience than him. I've reworded the latter sentence to have her say that she DOES want Falchion to have more responsibility, but not to the point where he's taken over the Duty in its entirety, which should hopefully get the point across a little better.
Anyway, that should be it as far as responses are concerned. Thank you once again for your wonderful concrit, and I'm glad you enjoyed the interludes otherwise! :D
Regarding Velociripper's personality, that is an interesting take, especially on a character as stereotypically scary-looking as he is. It actually feels like a bit of a call-out to the Lost World novel, where the raptor society broke down when their mortality rate increased to the point that adult raptors couldn't teach their children behavioral norms quickly enough. I also didn't realize he was a Light Yagami expy, so that makes sense, too.
(Uh, what space did I leave out? I'm not finding it.)
I am sorry that my impression of Rashida was due to lacking info; I didn't realize, or maybe didn't remember, you had had her out of commission.
—doctorlit spent $48 dollars on books in a Goodwill today and he's only slightly ashamed
I guess I could've made that clearer in the interlude itself, but maybe I'll keep that in mind for the upcoming mission. And I didn't think about the Lost World reference for that aspect of Ripper's character, but come to think of it, that's probably another great reason!
And the words that were caught up by the censoring were "alcoholi...il" (sans space). Eesh. D:
it censors that even when there is a space. No error of mine!
—doctorlit on his phone during a late lunch
First above all... Sorry for dropping out of the radar for the last monthes. I was doing a stage for the second part of my master's degree, and has been pretty busy because of that. Now, I still have work tied to this to do, but I dare hope I can go back to our cowrite, depending on when you would also be free to work about it.
Anyways, I'll be off to read your stories right now.
I've been busy with my own IRL responsibilities myself, but I should be more available once work starts for me in July. Thank you as well for letting me know of your own concerns, and I hope we both can get the time to resume work on our co-write soon. As with the other collabs I've been working on, it's been way too long! X'D