Subject: Breaking news: sun hostage attempt fails
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Posted on: 2017-06-03 14:47:00 UTC
NASA's historic attempt to hold the sun hostage at gunpoint has, just a few hours ago, ended in failure, as the sun, unmoved by their megaphone-assisted threats and pointed Parker Solar Probes, simply disappeared over the horizon, leaving nothing behind but quickly fading purple marks on the few clouds in the sky.
'It really was the last thing we were expecting - we never thought we'd see that kind of action coming from the sun,' said John NASA, current CEO of NASA. 'I mean, seriously, what the heck's going on, back there? I was really caught by surprise! I was all "hey, what's it doing?!" It just kind of sunk down, out of nowhere for no reason! It makes no sense! What would a sun even be doing down there?'
When asked to describe the sun's unruly and unexpected behaviour, NASA gunholder, Rick Rocketman, described the celestial object as 'One loose cannon.'
'We're still not sure how it did it, but we suspect corporate espionage, spying, terrorism, corruption amongst our politicians, and quirky hijinks. I don't want to point any fingers, but I can't be the only one who noticed that the moon just so happened to appear, right after the sun's unlikely escape?' theorised John NASA, clasping his hands into fists so hard they went white in an attempt to make sure none of the fingers pointed.
When asked about his plans to correct this catastrophic failure, John NASA only had this quote to offer: 'The issue of holding the sun hostage at gunpoint for three thousand and fifty-three dollars and five Overwatch Loot Boxes under threat of completely destroying it and all life in our solar system is a complex and confusing issue. But we do have one solution: we shoot it twice.'
((So this is a weird, somewhat experimental thing. Not done it before, myself, anyhow. Might do it more, if it's not horrific tripe everyone hates?))