Here is your Awake, free of charge. Well, not really. It's full of charge in actuality. Oh well! Remember to feed it espresso and love, otherwise it will repeoduce at twice the rate of your average rabbit.

Ouch, my brain would start hurting for at least a week if I tried to read any of those without any MST-ish comments or at least a friend to suffer with me. I don't know how you stand it. But anyway, have a genuine wizard's hat thoughtfully (or thoughtlessly) embroidered with the word "Wizzard". It is very sparkly and not machine washable.

Welcome to the Board! Have some of my world-famous hydrophobic water to commemorate the event. Mix it with hydrophilic water for maximum amounts of Fun!

Yes, with a capital F.

/fail Dwarf Fortress reference

Greetings, new friend! Help yourself to the sack of venomous arthropods. Don't worry; they don't bite!

Have some fudge!

You know, I'm glad I never went anywhere near those legendary badfics.

As a welcome gift, do please have this enchanted belt-buckle. I'm not sure what the enchantment does, but Agent Eagrus Khan assures me it must be something neat, because magic is involved.

Hello fellow lurker-turned-Boarder, and welcome to the PPC. I see you've already taken the liberty of disposing of your sanity by reading some of the legendary badfics. I myself have only read the first and last chapter of Celebrian, but I find myself listening to dramatic readings of legolas by laura more frequently than should be healthy. I also tell people to read My Immortal and watch the horror in their eyes as they see why I informed them of it. It's a pastime.

I see you've been pointed to the right reading materials and loaded with blee-products for your endeavors into the dark side of fanfic, so here's a gift for your induction. It's a Utensil, usable as anything that can be classified as such. It could be a fork or a spoon or a pen or a crayon or even a spork peyon, if such a thing exists. Have fun!

A sympathy shoulder pat.

Your poor eyes will recover from the bad, I promise you.

Dude, right there with you when it comes to THOSE fics. I read a good third or so of the Legendary Badfic list before I even CONSIDERED joining the PPC - they made my mind up to join, actually.

Anyway, here is lots and lots of Bleep-related stuff. May it erase the mental trauma from your... Uh... Mind.

Also, huggles! -huggles-

Hey. I lurked a bit too... and now I de-lurk when my studies permit. Have some antifreeze, distilled from only the most idiotic lemmings (It's part of a new batch!) some peanut butter, an extra large eraser, and three bottle caps. Also, don't go down the seven-hundredth and twenty third corridor on the right too far - there's a velociraptor loose in there. He's trying to make his partner return to the RC so that they can accept a mission.

Heh, I lurked for a month before joining. It's fine, many of us started that way.
I see from earlier posts that you like Harry Potter and Percy Jackson, and you are a fanfiction adrenaline junkie. You are now my friend, as I share those things. :)
Let's see, for a welcome gift…how about a Puffskein? And some Bleeprin for that legendary badfic. You brave soul. I've read about as much of My Immortal as my sister (Apricot), and I barely made it through the PPC mission of Celebrian.

First of all, have some bubble wrap.
I was a lurker for a while before actually introducing myself on the Board. I never actually read Celebrian, but I did read maybe halfway through My Immortal. This stuff has to be taken in small doses. I had quite a headache from reading too much My Immortal at once : ).

Welcome! Have some chocolate!

If you don't mind me asking, how did you discover the PPC?

It comes with a built-in Bleepka dispenser for your badfic overload.

Hi, and welcome! First of all, you need to read the The Constitution, which is very very important. The wiki you already know about, but I'd like to point you toward the IRC channel, where people hang out and do a lot of nothing.
You also get a cup of tea as a newbie gift - just don't let the leaves eat you.
Oh, and Malikai? Don't even think about going into the Circle of Lemmings. There's enough badfic in the Pit.

That's the only way I got through My Immortal.
Anyway, tell us which fandoms you nose about in and as a Newbie gift have a weather control machine. There's a couple of pesky faults, but I'm sure you can deal with all the water in a hundred mile radius rising into the sky. It's not like humans are mostly water ...

What'd you have to go and read those for?

In any case, have some lemming repellent in case you ever wander into the circle of lemmings!